When I wrote my long list of things I have quit, I did it for the doctor in a moment that I later realized was pretty high in self actualization. But after I wrote the list, my ego shifted in a way that changed who I was in a kind of serious way. I no longer wanted to try for numerous opportunities I might be currently interested in but that would not work out, and I decided to quit starting so many unrealistic things, or any at all. It really partially was a blow on my ego, because I started seeing myself as someone who really is so disabled that I might never be able to work like a normal person works. I always had maintained so much hope for my vocation before, that I might have had an unrealistic vision of myself.

Meanwhile, I have been thinking of myself as a victim for a long time. But in my therapy and development, I have come to realize that this vision of myself is corroding family relationships and causing me to point untrue blame. I do take responsibility for what I do eventually, but I don't think I have found in myself the opposite of a victim, a success, at least not to the point that I have learned to act with empowerment in these troubled human relationships I have. A big part of my view of myself as a victim has been that I have troubles other people don't have to even worry over, like a disability and a schizoaffective diagnosis.

When I was in high school, my best and closest friend was a sweet and creative young girl who would go on in her life to struggle with this same diagnosis. And in middle school, my best friend also was a young girl who also had schizoaffective disorder later in life. 0.3% of the population have schizoaffective disorder, so it strikes me as amazing that of however many existed in my school at that time, 2 were my best friends and I also had the diagnosis.

How can I think of myself as a success is a harder question than have I ever done anything successful. I am not entirely currently certain why I have insecurities around my own self image and success, just that I would like to work on it. I seem to apply blame on my illness externally sometimes, and it is something I would like to quit. So here is something that would actually be beneficial if I quit.

I don't seem to know answers right now but I'm feeling fine.