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When I gave her a mid day walk just now, out in the blue chill, Brazen at first thought she was just getting a quick poop and pee stop, and looked resigned to going back early. I fell in mud on the King College grounds, starting to take a path down to the live oak tree, but changed course when my hat and glasses hit the ground behind my head. Picking up "hide" I decided to try through a different patch of mud, and found my way around the pond, with Brazen at first at my heels. But I told her to run and have fun, and moments later, she took off chasing the breeze and skipping her paws, so merry. We circled the pond all the way, which I have actually never done before, and I felt a sense of gratitude from my pup for the length of walk, which always seems to be more of a human decision. Back home my blood is still pumping and my cheeks are cool. Glad the fall was so easy, almost something that I would have chosen, entirely pain free, the only issue, mud on clean clothes.

Posted Fri Nov 16 18:45:47 2018

I don't

always realize

what a wonderful life

I have

until I really look down

at my own two feet.

Posted Fri Nov 16 18:37:34 2018

This morning I read on page 2A in the Bristol Herald Courier that a LGBTQ support group meets ever Thursday at 5:30PM in the Crisis Center on the Virginia side. So I made a mental note to attend. As the day progressed, I decided this group has the capacity to serve me as a place to go and make allies, friends, and connections which is the huge gap that exists for me and has lead to my depressive spell.

What a wonderful, hopeful thing. I thought to myself, driving downtown early and browsing shops. This could be all that I need. It could be a place for me to meet in community with other people, no matter who they are, no matter their sexuality. This could be magical, because it could be a place for me to go and make friends. I am not seeking a coming out party today, or a coming of age experience. But my looking for allies seemed not a too big ask.

When I parked the car, fifteen minutes early, I noticed all the lights seemed to be out, and the building looked to be under construction. I am not the type of person to give up easily, though, so I called and texted the Office number for the Crisis Center. No response. As darkness fell, I waited for 5:30, asked a man walking by. Nothing. I then went to the library to look quickly at a newspaper. Maybe I misread it, I thought. But I found it in the newspaper.

I didn't want to come in late but I then knocked on the back door. Discouraged, I started to leave for home, when a truck pulled up. A man said he was on the board and forgot they were meeting somewhere else tonight. He informed me that was the only meeting scheduled. So I went home.

It would have been nice if there was a support group. I really could use one, and I would like to hold others in support who might feel vulnerable in these times with a Trump presidency and however that is affecting their right to love and be open about their orientation.

I do not blame anyone for the misprinting in the newspaper. I wrote the Crisis Center to see what's up, and have not heard back yet. It clearly was a mistake. I just feel a big loss in terms of my hopes for community. A lot of people are feeling isolated in these days. May they be well. May they be healthy and strong. May they be happy and safe. May they be relieved of their suffering and the reason for their suffering. May they be filled with compassion.

Maggie Hess

Posted Thu Nov 15 23:59:10 2018

I needed a friend.

You needed me to be a friend.

You needed a friend.

I needed you to be a friend.

Posted Thu Nov 15 21:27:18 2018

the leaf blushed
the other leaves reddened

the leaf fell
the other leaves swooped down

Posted Thu Nov 15 21:23:04 2018

'Empowerment, good for everyone.' Maybe it should be an advertisement on a billboard? But I have been thinking about how often my personal depression can be off-putting for some people who say it is dis-empowering. It didn't happen recently that someone said that, but I guess this is evidence that I ruminate a lot. When people have set backs, disadvantages, and limitations we often want for someone to talk about it with. That person might be a therapist, but if we sometimes want to share the burden with a friend of family member too. I recently talked about my depression with both parents, as example. Once I knew someone who told me his wife did something horrible to him, but many people do not believe his side of the story. I felt he could have defended himself more, and I think that is how some of my friends used to think I talked, as someone who self deprecated instead of speaking with pride. I believe empowerment is the ultimate goal, and defense of self becomes an inevitable part of that. I believe white privilege exists all over, and some people have traits that they cannot mask or do anything about, that much of the world treats them differently because of and that others like me and other white people need to recognize white privilege. Poverty can be dis-empowering too, like we who experience the lack of money between paychecks (most people) don't want to always have to explain why we do things the way we do. And of course, women are disadvantaged in so many ways. And LGBTQ folk especially in these times. There are a lot of people groups that I am neglecting here. I don't mean for this to be a perfect essay. Anyway, I have heard people say things on facebook statuses, back when I had an account, that sounded like "if you just let people walk all over you, you deserve to be mistreated. You have to stand up for yourself." And when I hear this expressed, it bugs me bad. Nobody ever self empowered as response to a jerk ass facebook status. Nobody ever became cool or rich or loved or popular in a flash when they read it on facebook. When I was a senior at Berea, I experienced so many people picking up from limited means and making something of it, and that felt to me like such a wonderful form of empowerment. I love empowerment, but it is not right or cool or good to blame somebody because they don't have their stuff figured out just yet.

So don't listen to the jerks. Give yourself a hug. Love yourself. How others think of you will either fall into place or it won't. Let you be the boss of you and in the process the world will be happier and healthier and more beautiful.

Posted Thu Nov 15 21:15:18 2018

Skimming through audio books this morning.

I lose track of where the line originates:

"We wake sleepy,

spend the day trying to remember

what we are doing,

grow bored in the evening,

and stay up late worrying,

only to wake sleepy."

Is it ethical to steal this quote

to use in a poem

after it nags at me all day

growing more and more evident.

Is it just me,

or maybe it really is the human condition?

Posted Thu Nov 15 04:48:17 2018

Somebody has been ordering Cosmopolitan Magazine for me for over a year now. Not that I have kept track, but it really feels like it's been a long time, and every magazine ends up in the trash without being glanced at or even hardly smelled. It is a peculiar gift. I never new how to interpret it. I just know I don't want the magazine. Maybe save some money this year and cancel my subscription?

Posted Thu Nov 15 02:42:28 2018

I noticed that it has been 6 days since I reported or posted a poem on this blog. I probably should have kept at it a little more, and I am sorry to my readers. Tobin's passing was a very sad thing, and of course I cried. I really do believe he is better off in the Happy Hunting ground. I am willing to say that, even if it makes some eyes role.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving, though I think we are staying put this year, instead of going to the big family or friends gatherings we were invited to.

Mom always said Tobin was the sun, the center of her galaxy. We are lucky to still have Brazen, perhaps a little moon orbiting. And Mazel Tov the cat thinks she is the actual center of the universe, whatever that is called. I'm pretty sure no one has found an actual center of the universe, scientifically speaking. But good luck convincing a cat.

I feel I am in the clunky place of trying to explain the past six days, or writing about anything, with so much time having past.

I finished the current available episodes of Shameless, while the skies were pretty dark most of the time. I had told my new therapist something about how swimming is the best thing I can do for my mental health and watching TV is the activity that makes me more inclined towards depression. I find myself with more TV going on on cloudy days. On cloudy days, swimming also is less appealing.

This morning before I opened my eyes, I told myself I should think about swimming anyway, as a way to nip the depression in the bud prior to it even being an issue. I currently feel fine. I know swimming always improves me. So I am trying to work my way to the pool, and the morning thought will hopefully get me there.

I always have liked Thanksgiving the most of all the holidays, so it will be good to be in a good temperament for it.

In my next post I am considering writing a how to guide to a stand out resume. I apparently am really good at that, even though I am paused in terms of working because of disability.

Posted Wed Nov 14 15:38:21 2018

Follow the link for a video of our two dogs playing together in 2014.

Posted Thu Nov 8 15:13:30 2018