Recent changes to this wiki:

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 July 20, 2020
-Origami leaf.
+
 [[!img origami_leaf.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-Brush and tail.
+
 [[!img brush_and_tail.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-Blind self portrait.
+
 [[!img blind_self_portrait.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-I love Mom.
+
 [[!img I_love_Mom.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-wall working
+
 [[!img wall_working.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-hard work wall
+
 [[!img hard_work_wall.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-wall scrub
+
 [[!img wallscrub.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 
 July 15, 2020

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+July 20, 2020
+Origami leaf.
+[[!img origami_leaf.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+Brush and tail.
+[[!img brush_and_tail.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+Blind self portrait.
+[[!img blind_self_portrait.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+I love Mom.
+[[!img I_love_Mom.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+wall working
+[[!img wall_working.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+hard work wall
+[[!img hard_work_wall.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+wall scrub
+[[!img wallscrub.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
 July 15, 2020
 
 A poem magically surfaced on the kitchen table this morning.  The quote was one of those little stationary quotes.  
@@ -413,3 +429,4 @@ At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet fr
 
 
 
+

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+July 15, 2020
+
+A poem magically surfaced on the kitchen table this morning.  The quote was one of those little stationary quotes.  
+Staying
+
+To live vicarious
+
+though the swifts
+
+with sudden lows
+
+and lovely lifts.
+
+
+To be, a time, 
+
+a locust tree
+
+waving my leaflets
+
+like some sea.
+
+
+The porch is my sand bar
+
+the sky is its waves
+
+to quizzically see
+
+how life behaves.
+
+
+Some things are just
+
+exactly same
+
+by mountains wild
+
+or oceans tame.
+
+
+Some vacations are
+
+better ought
+
+to be to not gone on,
+
+not leave this spot.
+
+
+"The future is not something we enter,
+it's something we create."  
+Leonard Swift
+
+
 July 10, 2020
 
 I can get a job in a week in a global recession.

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+July 10, 2020
+
+I can get a job in a week in a global recession.
+
+It might sound like a brag, but it's a confession.
+
+
 July 2, 2020
 
 So I am hired to work for VIPKID as an English teacher of Chinese students online.  I have to pass training and actually had to get a new laptop so I could download the app, but I think that this is going to be really good for me.  Ever since the onslaught of the pandemic, when I used my first video to talk to family and friends, I realized a super outgoing person like me, still can feel very good about video relationships.  In fact, to some degree, I get to control a little more in my video relationships.  In family jitsi's or my creative writing support group, I get to totally skip the ones that I am not feeling up to doing.  Likewise, with VIPKID, I get to set my own hours.  Speaking of hours, if I just work 2 or 3 hours, 5 days per week, I will easily double my income, and get to keep every penny due to the fact I will be still earning under the maximum disability earnings.  So that is one big bonus incentive for me and I can only imagine how it will change my life if I can keep it up!  You might have heard teaching online in China means working late hours, but already 6 hours exist during my normal waking hours when I can be earning and teaching (6-9AM and PM).  

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+July 2, 2020
+
+So I am hired to work for VIPKID as an English teacher of Chinese students online.  I have to pass training and actually had to get a new laptop so I could download the app, but I think that this is going to be really good for me.  Ever since the onslaught of the pandemic, when I used my first video to talk to family and friends, I realized a super outgoing person like me, still can feel very good about video relationships.  In fact, to some degree, I get to control a little more in my video relationships.  In family jitsi's or my creative writing support group, I get to totally skip the ones that I am not feeling up to doing.  Likewise, with VIPKID, I get to set my own hours.  Speaking of hours, if I just work 2 or 3 hours, 5 days per week, I will easily double my income, and get to keep every penny due to the fact I will be still earning under the maximum disability earnings.  So that is one big bonus incentive for me and I can only imagine how it will change my life if I can keep it up!  You might have heard teaching online in China means working late hours, but already 6 hours exist during my normal waking hours when I can be earning and teaching (6-9AM and PM).  
+What time is it in Bejing?Right now it is 7:50 PM in Bejing.  They are exactly 12 hours ahead!  
+Do I have to know Mandarin?  No!  Just hold a 4 year degree and be a native English speaker!
+How many American teachers teach for VIPKID?
+60,000  A small city of teachers like me!
+What is the pay?16-24 dollars an hour.  16 base pay with lots of incentives to earn much more.  There is also no limit to how many hours teachers can earn.
+What are some cons to teaching VIPKID?I don't get to put my own touch to things.  I don't get to prepare my own lessons.  The company is supposed to not be very supportive.  It's a big corporation.  So on!
+What was VIPKID's response to Covid?In February 2020, VIPKid donated 1.5 million English and math classes to affected students from the COVID-19 pandemic. Students in the city of Wuhan, Hubei Province, and children of medical workers were given priority for free classes.
+
+Why work?I was content not working, but I would like to start some part time wage earning, and the kids are really cute in China and I look forward to teaching them English!  
+
+
+
 June 30, 2020
 
 We All Meditate Already:  Teaching Meditation to Early Learners

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+June 30, 2020
+
+We All Meditate Already:  Teaching Meditation to Early Learners
+
+Meditation may be the ultimate thing that saved my mental health, but the word meditation did not help me get anywhere when I first heard it because the word seemed complicated and not easy to implement.  It was my sister, a doctor, who told me she thought meditation would help me.  She said it over the phone, and I remember getting a blank feeling from the suggestion.  I think sometimes people feel judgement around the idea of meditating in response to mental illness.  Personally, I just didn’t know what it was or how to do it, and I didn’t get answers that made easy sense to me for a long time.  I think it would have been better to simply say something different, and I have in mind an approach that for me would have been better to use in talking about meditation.  My nature is that of a teacher, and I also know through my English education that every single word can be an obstacle to someone trying to learn something new, simply because it is new to us.  So when I try to tell someone something they might not already know, as a teacher, I want to be certain they know what I am talking about, and if they don’t I want to be as basic as possible when I go to explain the term.  Someone might think I slow down too much for learners, maybe, but I am willing to take the risk.  
+
+So let me expand upon how I would explain mediation to a new learner.  When I think about things we need to feel good, to me, meditation is something almost everyone could benefit from experiencing, just as we need food or water or sleep to feel good, we all need meditation.  Not everyone is definitely aware that they need meditation to feel good.   But I think all of us need meditation, and I think to an extent, all of us meditate.  When I feel overwhelmed or like I’ve been doing too much, that is one great example of when I might meditate.  Just stopping for long enough to be aware that you are breathing, is to me meditation.  Sitting on the front porch, or in a comfortable space, and not really doing anything else, is to me one form of meditation.  Stopping from what you’ve been doing, and taking a minute to decompress or process your emotions or what you’ve learned is meditation.  Just as often, walking, solo or walking a dog, has meditative components.  Often ideas come to us when we exercise, and to me that is meditative.  Writing is often meditative.  Some would say all writing is meditative.  I know certainly that journaling is one of the highest degrees of being meditative that writing can be.  When you lie down, if you are not instantly falling asleep, that time before sleeping is often meditative.  
+
+Major processing does not have to occur for you to be meditating.  You don’t have to feel you are accomplishing something great.  I think meditating can be described in as simple terms as “taking a break.”  In this high production oriented world, stopping anything isn’t always what people are striving to do.  Some people might think I am calling things meditation that actually aren’t.  There certainly are myriad very in depth ways to meditate, and improving one’s meditation skills can take a lot of work and higher understanding, but I also believe it is a very basic part of life for all of us, just something we might not do enough.  
+
+
+
 June 28, 2020
 
 If I had known about TEFL degrees when I was 18 I would be making a b-line to get mine, instead of spending 12 years trying to obtain a 4 year degree from Berea College. So TEFL is Teaching English as a Foreign Language, and it is a degree that can be obtained in 10 to 12 weeks. If you are 18 and you have a TEFL degree, that gives you the automatic ability to earn 20 dollars an hour working from home online teaching English to foreign students. You also could decide to use your TEFL to teach abroad, and it is the only degree you really would need for many places, and the pay can be very high with a TEFL degree. Japan - $2,200-$5,000 per Month. Saudi Arabia - $3,000-$4,000 per Month. ...Kuwait - $2,600-$4,000 per Month. ...Oman - $2,000-$3,500 per Month. ...Taiwan - $2,000-$3,000 per Month. ...South Korea - $1,600-$2,650 per Month. ...China - $1,400-$2,200 per Month. ...Hong Kong - $3,000-$6,500 per Month. If you get a TEFL degree, you want to research the best company, and get the best one. It will cost around 1,200 dollars for the degree, but it is so worth it. Many people don't realize that English language skills are some of the most valuable skills people can have if you are interested in exploring the world, or just making lots of money working from wherever you want to be. What do you think about that?

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+June 28, 2020
+
+If I had known about TEFL degrees when I was 18 I would be making a b-line to get mine, instead of spending 12 years trying to obtain a 4 year degree from Berea College. So TEFL is Teaching English as a Foreign Language, and it is a degree that can be obtained in 10 to 12 weeks. If you are 18 and you have a TEFL degree, that gives you the automatic ability to earn 20 dollars an hour working from home online teaching English to foreign students. You also could decide to use your TEFL to teach abroad, and it is the only degree you really would need for many places, and the pay can be very high with a TEFL degree. Japan - $2,200-$5,000 per Month. Saudi Arabia - $3,000-$4,000 per Month. ...Kuwait - $2,600-$4,000 per Month. ...Oman - $2,000-$3,500 per Month. ...Taiwan - $2,000-$3,000 per Month. ...South Korea - $1,600-$2,650 per Month. ...China - $1,400-$2,200 per Month. ...Hong Kong - $3,000-$6,500 per Month. If you get a TEFL degree, you want to research the best company, and get the best one. It will cost around 1,200 dollars for the degree, but it is so worth it. Many people don't realize that English language skills are some of the most valuable skills people can have if you are interested in exploring the world, or just making lots of money working from wherever you want to be. What do you think about that?
+
 June 22, 2020
 
 There is a beauty

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+June 22, 2020
+
+There is a beauty
+
+to the negative space
+
+creeping around art,
+
+something majestic
+
+in bare husks.  
+
+[[!img husks8.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5435.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img husks1.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
 
 
 June 4, 2020
@@ -301,3 +317,6 @@ At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet fr
 
 
 
+
+
+

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-June 6, 2020
 
-I am feeling kind of blue today because I went back and read an email from last summer, when I had my recent manic episode/hospitalization, and I am aware that a lot of people turned their backs on me during that time.  It is painful to read and probably I should just permanently delete all of the emails from last summer.  
-
-I went 15 years between hospital visits, and still my family was not able to care for me when I needed them.  
 
 June 4, 2020
 

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@@ -2,6 +2,8 @@ June 6, 2020
 
 I am feeling kind of blue today because I went back and read an email from last summer, when I had my recent manic episode/hospitalization, and I am aware that a lot of people turned their backs on me during that time.  It is painful to read and probably I should just permanently delete all of the emails from last summer.  
 
+I went 15 years between hospital visits, and still my family was not able to care for me when I needed them.  
+
 June 4, 2020
 
 I was going to go swimming

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 June 6, 2020
 
-I am feeling kind of blue today because I went back and read an email from this summer, when I had my recent manic episode/hospitalization, and I am aware that a lot of people turned their backs on me during that time.  It is painful to read and probably I should just permanently delete all of the emails from last summer.  
+I am feeling kind of blue today because I went back and read an email from last summer, when I had my recent manic episode/hospitalization, and I am aware that a lot of people turned their backs on me during that time.  It is painful to read and probably I should just permanently delete all of the emails from last summer.  
 
 June 4, 2020
 

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+June 6, 2020
+
+I am feeling kind of blue today because I went back and read an email from this summer, when I had my recent manic episode/hospitalization, and I am aware that a lot of people turned their backs on me during that time.  It is painful to read and probably I should just permanently delete all of the emails from last summer.  
+
 June 4, 2020
 
 I was going to go swimming

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 June 4, 2020
 
-When I got an email from Virginia Organizing yesterday, about a facebook group that is now Bristol United for Change, I understood that outside bad white people were trying to agitate for violence in Bristol Virginia on Saturday.  So I ended up sharing the post a few times because I have always agreed with Virginia Organizing.  But since then I found that Virginia Organizing might have been overembelishing about the threat of the group.  It is now my understanding that there is just one person who is not from our area, and though she is a key organizer, she also has direct ties in Bristol and does not intend anything bad but wants to back POC and black lives especially.  The type of organizing that is being done in Bristol United for Change is maybe a bit green but I think organic organizing like that should be supported instead of discouraged, and I am sorry that my initial instincts were wrong about the group.  It is rare for anyone in Bristol to host such a cause, and I wish them all the best.
+I was going to go swimming
+
+in a hole in the creek
+
+but the water moccasin
+
+got there first.
 
 May 26, 2020
 

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+June 4, 2020
+
+When I got an email from Virginia Organizing yesterday, about a facebook group that is now Bristol United for Change, I understood that outside bad white people were trying to agitate for violence in Bristol Virginia on Saturday.  So I ended up sharing the post a few times because I have always agreed with Virginia Organizing.  But since then I found that Virginia Organizing might have been overembelishing about the threat of the group.  It is now my understanding that there is just one person who is not from our area, and though she is a key organizer, she also has direct ties in Bristol and does not intend anything bad but wants to back POC and black lives especially.  The type of organizing that is being done in Bristol United for Change is maybe a bit green but I think organic organizing like that should be supported instead of discouraged, and I am sorry that my initial instincts were wrong about the group.  It is rare for anyone in Bristol to host such a cause, and I wish them all the best.
+
 May 26, 2020
 
 Reconnecting with old friends. 

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-May , 2020
+May 26, 2020
 
 Reconnecting with old friends. 
 

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+++ b/index.mdwn
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+Enjoy the following quote 
+
+During the Great Plague of London in 1665-1666, Isaac Newton was sent home from college. In his isolation, the student/scientist engaged in the groundbreaking discoveries that marked his "year of wonders."
+
 
 
 May 22, 2020

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+May , 2020
+
+Reconnecting with old friends. 
+
+
+I am going to have to add to my Margaret Hess online presence.   Search Maggie Hess.   Much more me. 
+
+I don't identify as Margaret. 
+
+
+Lol
+
+
+
+
+
 May 22, 2020
 
 Mom and I each seemed to turn some sort of a corner for the better yesterday regarding how we are coping with the pandemic and creatively finding ways to enjoy the shelter in place rather than stressing over it.  This whole time, there has been a big element to my life that has been all about enjoying the time I get to spend home and removed from society.  I have been charting my mood and how much I walk in a day in a little bullet journal I am keeping first thing each morning, and notice it is allowing me to set intention and good course for my day each morning.  I rate my mood on a scale of one to 10, that generally is a 7 if I am up and spending time on the front porch and walking enough, or a 6 if I need to take the day off and binge watch a tv show all day.  So far since May 3 when I started the notebook, it hasn't sunk beneath a 6, but in the months leading up to May, and previously in my life, it an be common for me to experience a long stretch where my highest number is a 6.  That is how I led up to this period, earlier in the quarantine.  Numbers beneath a 6 basically spend more and more time in bed and my thoughts start to get darker and darker.  At 5 I stop exercising enough.  At 4 I might think I am getting a little depressed.  At 3 I have lost sight of the hope that I might feel a 6 or 7 again.  At 2 I have dark thoughts.  It barely ever gets to 1.  I am not sure what word 1 has, and hope I don't have to know for a long time.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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+++ b/index.mdwn
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+May 22, 2020
+
+Mom and I each seemed to turn some sort of a corner for the better yesterday regarding how we are coping with the pandemic and creatively finding ways to enjoy the shelter in place rather than stressing over it.  This whole time, there has been a big element to my life that has been all about enjoying the time I get to spend home and removed from society.  I have been charting my mood and how much I walk in a day in a little bullet journal I am keeping first thing each morning, and notice it is allowing me to set intention and good course for my day each morning.  I rate my mood on a scale of one to 10, that generally is a 7 if I am up and spending time on the front porch and walking enough, or a 6 if I need to take the day off and binge watch a tv show all day.  So far since May 3 when I started the notebook, it hasn't sunk beneath a 6, but in the months leading up to May, and previously in my life, it an be common for me to experience a long stretch where my highest number is a 6.  That is how I led up to this period, earlier in the quarantine.  Numbers beneath a 6 basically spend more and more time in bed and my thoughts start to get darker and darker.  At 5 I stop exercising enough.  At 4 I might think I am getting a little depressed.  At 3 I have lost sight of the hope that I might feel a 6 or 7 again.  At 2 I have dark thoughts.  It barely ever gets to 1.  I am not sure what word 1 has, and hope I don't have to know for a long time.
+
+Yesterday I wrote something actually at first for my nephew who is a grown adult, just in confidence.  But I am thinking I will share it here as part of this story.  Writing the following passage led me to writing the love song that I posted on youtube, in the previous entry.  
+
+"I got to a point of probably being as near as I will ever be to giving up on the idea of me ever having a loving romantic relationship in the future with someone.  I think I let go of belief it could happen when this one guy who kind of courted me in a way but nothing came of it, E, stopped coming around.  Looking back, that was when Brazen was a puppy!  I am counting up a possible 7 years since he's been here.  I did think I would marry this E.  I really think he was considering it too.  It is too bad and I can't really say what happened to put my finger on it, other than we just were friends and something shifted with him to pull him forever away from me..."
+
+
+"Somehow lately the thought of life partner type relationship has been coming back around.  It feels a bit changed.   I am starting to wonder if I might try to have a life partner somewhere somehow.  It embarrasses me a lot to say that.  I don't know why, but I am kind of autistic that way.  That is actually a big hurdle for me, admitting I want a partner.  But a bigger one that is the main point today I think is that I haven't ever trusted myself enough to love somebody else.  That is a huge thing.  I am not certain how to develop that kind of trust.  I think it requires a new determination, that I am considering developing..."
+
+
+"I have a lot of time to figure it out.  I don't want to have kids any longer, so that is different in the equation...."
+
+"I wanted to add one thought.  The idea is not that I am now pursuing dating or making some effort to find someone, I am just transforming the way I think about myself and my ability to be part of a love relationship."
+
+Then I wrote the love song that has the following lyrics:
+
+"It's a small voice asking 
+
+From the heart for love. 
+
+And it rises up from the lungs
+
+When you've nothing left to prove.
+
+It's wee tiny like a dove. 
+
+But a fool would ignore it there. 
+
+It's as vital as the air
+
+The need for love.   
+
+And you deserve it if you care
+
+To try for love. 
+
+
+So try for love. 
+
+Try for love. 
+
+But first you've gotta sigh for love. 
+
+Sing for love. 
+
+Sing for love. 
+
+Serenade the world beneath your wings 
+
+For love."
+
+And I was singing it in my home where I live with Mom from the heart, and Mom was overhearing this heart felt love song of sorts, a very pure song about love.  And I think it was this song that led to Mom's heart opening up in a way yesterday, because the night before, she had this dream about a leaf that was also folded oragami that she stroked like a cat, and that turned to her and said "I love you."  lol  What a funny dream!
+
+(Which I hope she doesn't mind me sharing.) But it is illuminating the world somehow I think.
+
+Anyway, I deeply feel that this pandemic is not all bad for me so far, and as much dark news as she quotes to me, I think my mother would agree.  
+
+It is true for many reasons even that I, a former eating out junkie, have fizzled down my eating out to nothing, and only have ordered delivery once a week, which I think I am starting to phase out entirely too.  That is a big change, to go from eating out my whole disability check, to not eating out at all.  
+
+Also, for as much love as I have for the YMCA or the Bristol, Tennessee society I once surrounded myself with, I hold an equal degree of gladness that I am not spending time at the YMCA or even the local coffee shop I love so much, Bloom, or other things.  Focusing outward so much of my energy was taking more of myself than I recognized at the time.  
+
+Now I can sit on the front porch still, and be a participating member of my street life.  And street life is all I really feel I need right now, other than close friendships with people who stay in touch.  Well, I am regularly attending a writing group that I love on a Zoom like platform called Jitsi.  My writing group meets for over an hour on Thursdays, and is just 3 people, and mostly we just write poems and journal entries.  I am more grateful for that group and how it is spurring me on in my poetry, than anything that I had locally, prior to this pandemic.  I even had signed up for a Gotham course, which was no where near as interesting for me or as interactive as my 3 person Jitsi poetry group.  
+
+Yes I am lucky.  And I am counting my blessings.
+
+
 May 21, 2020
 
 Not the best at making links here, but if you copy paste this web address you can hear my new hit song:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0mjZ9pjszw&t=8s

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index e6afbec..734de8c 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,10 @@
+May 21, 2020
+
+Not the best at making links here, but if you copy paste this web address you can hear my new hit song:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0mjZ9pjszw&t=8s
+
+Now time for me to start planning the rest of the Jitsi based talent show!!
+
+
 May 6, 2020
 
 So empowered by this recent decision to walk 5 microwalks per day.  I am defining microwalk as a 10 to 15 minute dog walk.  I did 4 today so far and plan and intend to walk one more after a little more rest.  Very hopeful.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index a997a91..e6afbec 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+May 6, 2020
+
+So empowered by this recent decision to walk 5 microwalks per day.  I am defining microwalk as a 10 to 15 minute dog walk.  I did 4 today so far and plan and intend to walk one more after a little more rest.  Very hopeful.
+
 May day, 2020
 
 Emotionally, it is really hard for me in the long haul of this pandemic.  I guess I have put on a cheerful face most of the time, but many of my troubles have built up.  Today I wrote 4 pages recognizing things that are hard for me.  I have been reading Tara Brach's Radical Compassion and she recommends Recognizing as part of RAIN, Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Nurture.  I called one of my sisters and cried on her shoulder a bit.  Then I tried to put on a happy face again for my mother.  We went to walk Brazen at the New Site in the country and walked to the waterfall.  It really is beautiful this time of year.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 124483e..a997a91 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,6 +2,8 @@ May day, 2020
 
 Emotionally, it is really hard for me in the long haul of this pandemic.  I guess I have put on a cheerful face most of the time, but many of my troubles have built up.  Today I wrote 4 pages recognizing things that are hard for me.  I have been reading Tara Brach's Radical Compassion and she recommends Recognizing as part of RAIN, Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Nurture.  I called one of my sisters and cried on her shoulder a bit.  Then I tried to put on a happy face again for my mother.  We went to walk Brazen at the New Site in the country and walked to the waterfall.  It really is beautiful this time of year.
 
+My audio version of Moody Tourist in Costa Rica should be coming out early next week.  
+
 April 29, 2020
 
 I heard a pileated woodpecker above my front porch chair, laughing like woody woodpecker, so I got up to get a better look.  He kept laughing over the black locust's first blooms that already are falling after less than a day of being.  I saw him a little better, but tired and sat back down.  Then he flew down to the catalpa stump where he perched upside down until we made eye contact and he flew off.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index d0122db..124483e 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+May day, 2020
+
+Emotionally, it is really hard for me in the long haul of this pandemic.  I guess I have put on a cheerful face most of the time, but many of my troubles have built up.  Today I wrote 4 pages recognizing things that are hard for me.  I have been reading Tara Brach's Radical Compassion and she recommends Recognizing as part of RAIN, Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Nurture.  I called one of my sisters and cried on her shoulder a bit.  Then I tried to put on a happy face again for my mother.  We went to walk Brazen at the New Site in the country and walked to the waterfall.  It really is beautiful this time of year.
+
 April 29, 2020
 
 I heard a pileated woodpecker above my front porch chair, laughing like woody woodpecker, so I got up to get a better look.  He kept laughing over the black locust's first blooms that already are falling after less than a day of being.  I saw him a little better, but tired and sat back down.  Then he flew down to the catalpa stump where he perched upside down until we made eye contact and he flew off.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 14b3ee4..d0122db 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,8 @@
+April 29, 2020
+
+I heard a pileated woodpecker above my front porch chair, laughing like woody woodpecker, so I got up to get a better look.  He kept laughing over the black locust's first blooms that already are falling after less than a day of being.  I saw him a little better, but tired and sat back down.  Then he flew down to the catalpa stump where he perched upside down until we made eye contact and he flew off.  
+Then Brazen caught and ate her first boring bee.  
+
 April 28, 2020
 
 I am sure Michael Moore is occasionally wrong, but when it comes to the big picture the man has a way of seeing through to the truth better than almost anyone I have seen.   Today, in an interview on Rising on the Hill, he mentioned that the pandemic is going to last 2 years.  I know because of basic math and science that it will likely be 2 years, and he sites a friend at the NIH who says it is a 2 year pandemic.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index ee96c6b..14b3ee4 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,17 @@
+April 28, 2020
+
+I am sure Michael Moore is occasionally wrong, but when it comes to the big picture the man has a way of seeing through to the truth better than almost anyone I have seen.   Today, in an interview on Rising on the Hill, he mentioned that the pandemic is going to last 2 years.  I know because of basic math and science that it will likely be 2 years, and he sites a friend at the NIH who says it is a 2 year pandemic.  
+
+As it happens that is bullet one in a three part wham wham wham news series that I will now be giving part 2.  Footage of UFO's have been released by the Pentagon, recently, although many of us had seen the footage, it is now confirmed as un-doctored footage.  My question is why now?  Why is this coming out as true now after being covered up for many years?
+
+The last thing I wanted to say is that I watched Planets of the Humans that is produced by Michael Moore and that came out recently on youtube.  It rings to me as true.  I remember when I was first learning about climate change, I wondered why people couldn't drastically simplify our lives to reduce carbon emissions.  Then came capitalist centered solutions that made people feel better about themselves like solar panels and wind farms and 350.org and that allow for us to carry on as usual with our bad consumptive habits.  Anyway, it's a long way to say I agree with this documentary's conclusions.  If the skies are clearing in India and China due to stay at home orders, it seems we could very easily stop climate change, by quitting the system of mass consumption and just saying enough is enough and we have enough and that's that.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
 April 18, 2020
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index e4a2221..ee96c6b 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -53,7 +53,7 @@ Somehow my therapists words changed my course.
 
 I learned to meditate and give myself a break.
 
-I gave myself permission and found my normal.
+I gave myself permission and found peace.
 
 
 But I think I forgot the dolphins, somewhere.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,65 @@
+April 18, 2020
+
+
+[[!img IMG_20200417_100524.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+How I Have Changed
+
+
+I used to be guilty.
+
+I carried the weight of war,
+
+which I protested before each one started.
+
+I gave my shoes to a peace demonstration,
+
+and got blisters walking over hot DC pavement.
+
+I gave all my clothes away 
+
+except for 5 changes,
+
+I worried about homelessness
+
+and always shared meals 
+
+with the people so abandoned.
+
+I joined a crew of climate activists in 2007,
+
+and spent time going car-less for the environment.  
+
+
+My therapist said my guilt was not good for me.
+
+She was right.  
+
+I beat myself up over nothing,
+
+and believed my decisions were critical
+
+for the survival of the species.  
+
+Maybe you would have liked me then.
+
+But it hurt to care so much.  
+
+I was off balance and bipolar and never 
+comfortable.
+
+
+Somehow my therapists words changed my course.
+
+I learned to meditate and give myself a break.
+
+I gave myself permission and found my normal.
+
+
+But I think I forgot the dolphins, somewhere.
+
+
+
 April 15, 2020
 
 I enrolled in a poetry writing class online via zoom at Gotham.  (I am coming in tonight to the second class as my first class, having missed the first.)  I paid for this because I really started feeling I needed the stimulation, and I have a plan to write poems about these times.
@@ -101,3 +163,5 @@ One of these days I did stop for curbside ice cream kind of impulsively, but I g
 At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet from people but still see them.  I know I am not the worst case of suffering, and I'm sorry for all of the people who have lost loved ones to covid 19 and who are currently sick and also other mentally ill people like me who are trapped inside.  
 
 
+
+

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@@ -1,3 +1,30 @@
+April 15, 2020
+
+I enrolled in a poetry writing class online via zoom at Gotham.  (I am coming in tonight to the second class as my first class, having missed the first.)  I paid for this because I really started feeling I needed the stimulation, and I have a plan to write poems about these times.
+
+Shelter in Place, Day 34
+
+
+Give me a reason to shower more often, 
+
+Shower me with reasons,
+
+Let the world call to check on me,
+
+I'll be here.
+
+If not walking my dog
+
+Past some waning half puddle, 
+
+Or stealing dirt from the alley stump.
+
+Give my heart a song to beat with. 
+
+
+
+
+
 Decree
 
 April Fool’s Day 2020

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,31 @@
+Decree
+
+April Fool’s Day 2020
+
+Now those of you who follow me, might only really harbor memory of me in the narrative of my journey in the years after I had resolved upon myself to graduate college.  There would be more quitting but my attitude towards college started being resolutely set upon completion in the same year of our Lord that I began as an English student at Berea, 2009.  Before that, between 2000 and 2009, if you sift through my life like you might find gold, you will see that I was rising from mentally ill ashes in the direction of this resolution, like a phoenix, steadily, but jolting along my path at the same time.  
+
+The reason for me emphasizing the 2009 transition is this.  I sat at this same desktop computer and turned a hope into a resolute conviction one evening actually in December 2008 when I applied to attend The Mountain Retreat and Learning Center as an intern the following semester.  I said to myself, there have been a lot of fits and quits and starts and stops in my college career, and if I am going to ever graduate college after already trying off and on for 8 years, I hereby decree I must complete this semester at The Mountain as an intern in order to find it in myself the path necessary to sustain how ever much more school my unique life requires of me to graduate college.  
+
+So in 2012 when I graduated college, it really really really was a mighty big deal.  And the time that I spent at The Mountain was so vitally imperative to my life story that it should not be glossed over either.  So I am laying in a bookmark right here in paragraph 3 of this story here, and saying I definitely am going to return to tell the full story of The Mountain and what it meant to me.  Yes!  I must absolutely.  
+
+But it also happens that this very night in which I write these words is a similar December 2008 era quality time of catharsis.  So before I write all my memoirs there is this one last statement I truly must make for my humanity, and that too is a decree determining where I am going, and a decree as natural and necessary in my current course of life as bones or muscle tissue in the human form in order to make motion.  
+
+That is because it is now hereby time for me to spread my bow, thread my arrow, and launch my ultimate star of destiny upon the hope of all dreams that must become a reality more than any other.  But you might be glad that it a simple one, if you are rooting for me, as I hope sometimes my blog readers aren’t just advertisers and haters seeking ammunition.  (That’s an aside.)  
+
+This is not an April Fool’s Joke.  It is the simple prayer of a 37 year old quarantined individual to set a plan and find a way through to successfully create for my self a joyful independent life.  As I mulled over words before getting out of bed to write this, I thought I might say “create a way to independent living” because that is more specifically what my goal is around, living independently and sustainably by myself, ie not in the house of my dear harried 77 year old mother.  
+
+It always was a part of my graduation agenda, and maybe a cart I should have initially put before the horse of graduation.  I did create a way to independent living when I was in Berea pursing the last legs of college, and it was joyful, but I didn’t have the sustainable part then, because I moved back home with Mom because I had exhausted myself to death, and also confused my identity about love and hope somewhat.  
+
+Anyway, when I start now to think about independent living, these thoughts find me in the hallmark place of a quarantine during a pandemic.  Not really a place where many people I have witnessed even know how to talk about tomorrow let alone the future.  But this feels like a familiar place to me somehow.  I am pretty sure the world is going to survive on the other side of this pandemic, and I am pretty sure I will make it out alive as will my mother.  We have hunkered down, committed to sheltering in place, me and my mother, in order to keep both of us alive.  
+
+So I find myself staring at the face, not of the corona virus, but of a different thing, not a beast, but a friendly giant I have been carrying around with me as a hope, that I  successfully create for my self a joyful independent life.  It really is the last thing I probably will ever have the courage to ask for myself as a major life goal, because I have had many, and people have witnessed me collecting ideas for my future like sea shells.  But this one is the ultimate, simple wish that I must complete in order to be ok.  
+
+So it also is this boulder that I find that I am going to have to start pushing from now on, whether or not  I always am willing to carry its might.  My plan pretty much is simple.  But I know in order to make it work joyfully with very limited funds, I must push this boulder slowly and carefully if I don’t want it to tumble back a good bit before I finagle a way to roll this Sisyphus up to the height of my mountain.   I use that metaphor because I am familiar with the human goal and the way it can feel like it maybe wasn’t what I needed in the first place after all.  When I determined myself to completing college in 2009, I did a lot of self sabotage like quitting school a few too many times still along the way.  But I did somehow finish, and I know I can complete this goal.  
+
+ Successfully creating for my self a joyful independent life for me as I think about it today actually is as simple as applying again, post pandemic, for public housing and promising myself to make it a joyful experience this time.  I did try this a couple times, but not with the power of this current conviction to complete it.  
+
+OK.  So it is still the middle of the night, and I am going to go back to bed.  But I promise to finish my story soon, and that does mean saying more about what got me here.  Until then, good night!
+
 later March 31
 
 I watched Swiss Army Man for the first time today.  Something in this morbid humor, and laughing for an hour straight, when I wasn't gasping from surprise, has changed my outlook, possibly for the rest of my life.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,21 @@
+later March 31
+
+I watched Swiss Army Man for the first time today.  Something in this morbid humor, and laughing for an hour straight, when I wasn't gasping from surprise, has changed my outlook, possibly for the rest of my life.  
+
+I could tell from the start it was going to be my new favorite film.  Having finished it, that still is true, which is really making me wonder about myself. 
+
+Maybe dark humor is an area I need to explore in more depth.  I really seem to be tapping into something that is deep rooted, in my new readiness to live life after seeing this movie.  
+
+Part of it was, the protagonist is a man who hauls around a corpse that shows some chance for vitality, so it is all about life and death, and ends up being about extreme situations that people could go through if they stay alive, of course.  There is a huge thread throughout the film, about the divide between life and death, that draws up a genuine sentimentality about life, reminding me of why I am alive, in ways I had not even thought about maybe ever.  
+
+At one point in watching the movie, I was thinking if I ever get out of this, (my morbid story/being in quarantine with my mother) I will really start embracing life.  And I had a lot of oddly specific random new ideas about how to do that.  I might tell you what I dreamed up if you comment.  : ) 
+
+Anyway, watch Swiss Army Man if you like such things.  
+
+Beautiful and available on Netflix.
+[[!img DSCF5196.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+
 March 31, 2020
 
 I was suprised that the best pineapple upside down cake I've ever tasted was made by myself!

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+March 31, 2020
+
+I was suprised that the best pineapple upside down cake I've ever tasted was made by myself!
+
+[[!img DSCF5209.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
 March 30, 2020
 
 Eating grapenuts by twilight.  
@@ -21,3 +27,4 @@ One of these days I did stop for curbside ice cream kind of impulsively, but I g
 
 At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet from people but still see them.  I know I am not the worst case of suffering, and I'm sorry for all of the people who have lost loved ones to covid 19 and who are currently sick and also other mentally ill people like me who are trapped inside.  
 
+

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+March 30, 2020
+
+Eating grapenuts by twilight.  
+
+Feeling a lot less worried about social inactivity.  Dani called and I called Joey and video chatted with Joey and scheduled a video chat, so now feel over-extended socially already.  Plus, every other person is having to manage these times of distancing orders too, so to some degree everyone is switching to introvert mode, whether they planned to or not.  
+
+I have really been loving creating my wind hangings.  Here is a video of this art:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_7mOgmXlCM
+
+In other news I recommend journaling and blogging to others.  It can give you a place to pinpoint issues that might be hanging around unnoticed.  
+
+
 March 29, 2020
 
 We have been socially isolating in my house for 3 weeks come Tuesday.  Schools shut down a week after we started social isolating, to give you a timeline to put us in, in case you hadn't been keeping track.  My social interactions these 3 weeks have been limited.  In fact, I have written down every in person contact I have made, so that I can pinpoint the person who gave it to me if I get it, and also warn others I've seen.  I guess it is supposed to be responsible.  
@@ -9,3 +20,4 @@ I am the kind of person who kind of switches back and forth between introversion
 One of these days I did stop for curbside ice cream kind of impulsively, but I got a terrible earful from my mother when I got home.  Honestly my decision to socially isolate has been for my mother, and to make her happy.  I don't think our relationship with each other is healthy, though, and  I wish I could just go back to normal.  
 
 At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet from people but still see them.  I know I am not the worst case of suffering, and I'm sorry for all of the people who have lost loved ones to covid 19 and who are currently sick and also other mentally ill people like me who are trapped inside.  
+

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1 +1,11 @@
-This is where the Beauty Itself online bookstore plans to be located.
+March 29, 2020
+
+We have been socially isolating in my house for 3 weeks come Tuesday.  Schools shut down a week after we started social isolating, to give you a timeline to put us in, in case you hadn't been keeping track.  My social interactions these 3 weeks have been limited.  In fact, I have written down every in person contact I have made, so that I can pinpoint the person who gave it to me if I get it, and also warn others I've seen.  I guess it is supposed to be responsible.  
+
+The reason I am journaling though is that I need a place where I can speak what has been occurring inside of me that is not just my paper diary.  Actually, there was a point in week one that was kind of purely peaceful, like going on vacation, able to do more in a day, with no outside demands to take my time and energy.  But I am the kind of person that really needs other people.  I get withdrawn and thinking about being separate from society indefinitely really confuses me.  
+
+I am the kind of person who kind of switches back and forth between introversion and extroversion, and this might really make it so I go so deeply introverted I won't know how to be around others, or will be even more confused socially than I already was.  
+
+One of these days I did stop for curbside ice cream kind of impulsively, but I got a terrible earful from my mother when I got home.  Honestly my decision to socially isolate has been for my mother, and to make her happy.  I don't think our relationship with each other is healthy, though, and  I wish I could just go back to normal.  
+
+At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet from people but still see them.  I know I am not the worst case of suffering, and I'm sorry for all of the people who have lost loved ones to covid 19 and who are currently sick and also other mentally ill people like me who are trapped inside.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 59a1c1c..53edc36 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,41 +1 @@
-Thoughts on 18 
-
-If I could tell the 18 year old tragic me one thing it would be this, "It would be ok if all you did for the rest of your life was to rest and sit around doing nothing."  I was probably the most driven 18 year old you might have seen.  I pulled into my britches so hard, I drove myself straight to the mental ward.  They sent me home with medications that drove me into a stupor.  I woke up running, trying to find my way to impact the world or be who I was really meant to be.  
-
-The pressures of life can be so intense.  It would be so wonderful if someone really could say something to remove the pressure.  Pressure stems from everywhere but I was the one who magnified the intensity as I let it in. 
-
-The funny thing is, if I really needed to rest and do nothing all my life, I don’t think I could.  Like so many creative people I am an artist and a poet.  When babies hear music their little bodies dance.  That groove is how it is to have the urge to paint or write.  It overcomes us sometimes.  
-
-Well, on the flip side, if I did absolutely nothing, not a thing, I would need someone to change my bedding, and wash my laundry.  Maybe what I am getting at is instead of doing nothing all the time, that minimizing what we do can be terrific.  I see meditation and doing nothing as going hand in hand or maybe being the same hand.  Of course I’d be a lazy monk if I didn’t walk my dog, but that is not a good way to put it.  I walk my dog because she needs walked and I love walking.  Chores are necessary, but not really the point.  The point is don’t drive yourself into self hatred by pressuring yourself to do more eternally until there is no reason really.  
-
-The main thing to emphasize is not the second part of the sentence.  It is simply the “it would be ok.”  I used to judge myself for everything I did or said or did not do with a severe scrutiny.  Give yourself permission, is my point.  Let yourself let in and let go and if it means take a month just to rest, that is the best thing you can do.  We as humans need rest and we need it more than we generally say or believe or emphasize or do.  
-
-It happens to be that I write this during the covid19 pandemic.  Staying home has really been something I have been savoring and enjoying.  But I am still deeply concerned by this fast spreading virus, especially as it affects more vulnerable and older people first.  So I pray older people and vulnerable people stay safe!  
-
-I guess there should ideally be a balance between doing and not doing, as one friend, Mary Clark, suggests.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-Lucky and Brazen
-
-
-
-
-
-
-Just now, I was lying in bed, and coming out of a period of sleep in the night.  I was thinking about this time I saw a field of young soccer players in Costa Rica, a field I saw many times, but the first time I saw the field, I remember I had on my stupid American hat, maybe, and I was saying to my sister loudly, I wondered if they were hungry.  My sister explained to me that many Costa Rican children have it better than many children in the United States, which is only partially true, but I believed it, as the children hollered back to me, Americana!  
-
-Then I started thinking about how in that phase of my life, when I was 18 in Costa Rica, a good word for how I related with the Costa Ricans might be that I was Brazen.  It happens that Brazen is a word I have named my dog, and so I thought a lot more about the word in a new light.  I used to volunteer in the library, and I would say things that were rude and joyful at the same time, I think.  I didn’t really do it on purpose, I just felt the Quakers in the library were familiar to me, and easy to talk to, and so I might say something like openly expressing the exact amount of money my sister paid for our rental house, but at the same time, excited about wild plants and animals I had encountered.  
-
-I think that rude and joyful is a side of the word Brazen I had not yet thought of.  Often when I explain the name of my dog, I say her name is Brazen because she needed to be brave, so I named her Brazen to help her be able to be brave.  But there is something about raw truth expressed gleefully by a young person or child, that can be called Brazen.  I have a young neighbor who is Brazen, this boy who rides his bike, and his sensibilities speak to the Huck Finn nature of my youth.  Some people guard the truth.  Others just tell it, with a big grin, even if it is not the best political idea at the time.  There is something about being Brazen that is more honest, and this is a big part of why I like it.  It also is more like a child in a way.  
-
-Since I was thinking about Costa Rica, also, something came up about the last time I saw Lucky Guindon, and the letters we have been exchanging.   When I returned to Costa Rica, I think the main reason really was to see Lucky.  I tried to make it be a different reason, that my life calling was somehow involved in Costa Rica or something.  But it really was Lucky has impacted me in such a way that I really needed to see her again.  I wish I had been as honest or clear about my reason for returning to Costa Rica as I was in the library at 18, but I was not aware until really now.  
-
-When I saw Lucky, she said something about letters, about how she is receptive to get letters even if I wasn’t sure she knew me.  She said something about the true reason for letters is for the letter writer, that they might have something they needed to say, which struck me as entirely true, and very honest.
-
-I am not entirely certain why Lucky has been so important to me.  Part of it could be she was a beloved person in a place of so many wonderful people, that she co-founded a community, so had great stature there, of so many honorable souls.  But I think the real reason was she related with me in a way that made me feel like I was somebody.  So as it turns, I am the lucky one!  
-
+This is where the Beauty Itself online bookstore plans to be located.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index b1a9603..59a1c1c 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,2 +1,41 @@
-New Year
+Thoughts on 18 
+
+If I could tell the 18 year old tragic me one thing it would be this, "It would be ok if all you did for the rest of your life was to rest and sit around doing nothing."  I was probably the most driven 18 year old you might have seen.  I pulled into my britches so hard, I drove myself straight to the mental ward.  They sent me home with medications that drove me into a stupor.  I woke up running, trying to find my way to impact the world or be who I was really meant to be.  
+
+The pressures of life can be so intense.  It would be so wonderful if someone really could say something to remove the pressure.  Pressure stems from everywhere but I was the one who magnified the intensity as I let it in. 
+
+The funny thing is, if I really needed to rest and do nothing all my life, I don’t think I could.  Like so many creative people I am an artist and a poet.  When babies hear music their little bodies dance.  That groove is how it is to have the urge to paint or write.  It overcomes us sometimes.  
+
+Well, on the flip side, if I did absolutely nothing, not a thing, I would need someone to change my bedding, and wash my laundry.  Maybe what I am getting at is instead of doing nothing all the time, that minimizing what we do can be terrific.  I see meditation and doing nothing as going hand in hand or maybe being the same hand.  Of course I’d be a lazy monk if I didn’t walk my dog, but that is not a good way to put it.  I walk my dog because she needs walked and I love walking.  Chores are necessary, but not really the point.  The point is don’t drive yourself into self hatred by pressuring yourself to do more eternally until there is no reason really.  
+
+The main thing to emphasize is not the second part of the sentence.  It is simply the “it would be ok.”  I used to judge myself for everything I did or said or did not do with a severe scrutiny.  Give yourself permission, is my point.  Let yourself let in and let go and if it means take a month just to rest, that is the best thing you can do.  We as humans need rest and we need it more than we generally say or believe or emphasize or do.  
+
+It happens to be that I write this during the covid19 pandemic.  Staying home has really been something I have been savoring and enjoying.  But I am still deeply concerned by this fast spreading virus, especially as it affects more vulnerable and older people first.  So I pray older people and vulnerable people stay safe!  
+
+I guess there should ideally be a balance between doing and not doing, as one friend, Mary Clark, suggests.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Lucky and Brazen
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Just now, I was lying in bed, and coming out of a period of sleep in the night.  I was thinking about this time I saw a field of young soccer players in Costa Rica, a field I saw many times, but the first time I saw the field, I remember I had on my stupid American hat, maybe, and I was saying to my sister loudly, I wondered if they were hungry.  My sister explained to me that many Costa Rican children have it better than many children in the United States, which is only partially true, but I believed it, as the children hollered back to me, Americana!  
+
+Then I started thinking about how in that phase of my life, when I was 18 in Costa Rica, a good word for how I related with the Costa Ricans might be that I was Brazen.  It happens that Brazen is a word I have named my dog, and so I thought a lot more about the word in a new light.  I used to volunteer in the library, and I would say things that were rude and joyful at the same time, I think.  I didn’t really do it on purpose, I just felt the Quakers in the library were familiar to me, and easy to talk to, and so I might say something like openly expressing the exact amount of money my sister paid for our rental house, but at the same time, excited about wild plants and animals I had encountered.  
+
+I think that rude and joyful is a side of the word Brazen I had not yet thought of.  Often when I explain the name of my dog, I say her name is Brazen because she needed to be brave, so I named her Brazen to help her be able to be brave.  But there is something about raw truth expressed gleefully by a young person or child, that can be called Brazen.  I have a young neighbor who is Brazen, this boy who rides his bike, and his sensibilities speak to the Huck Finn nature of my youth.  Some people guard the truth.  Others just tell it, with a big grin, even if it is not the best political idea at the time.  There is something about being Brazen that is more honest, and this is a big part of why I like it.  It also is more like a child in a way.  
+
+Since I was thinking about Costa Rica, also, something came up about the last time I saw Lucky Guindon, and the letters we have been exchanging.   When I returned to Costa Rica, I think the main reason really was to see Lucky.  I tried to make it be a different reason, that my life calling was somehow involved in Costa Rica or something.  But it really was Lucky has impacted me in such a way that I really needed to see her again.  I wish I had been as honest or clear about my reason for returning to Costa Rica as I was in the library at 18, but I was not aware until really now.  
+
+When I saw Lucky, she said something about letters, about how she is receptive to get letters even if I wasn’t sure she knew me.  She said something about the true reason for letters is for the letter writer, that they might have something they needed to say, which struck me as entirely true, and very honest.
+
+I am not entirely certain why Lucky has been so important to me.  Part of it could be she was a beloved person in a place of so many wonderful people, that she co-founded a community, so had great stature there, of so many honorable souls.  But I think the real reason was she related with me in a way that made me feel like I was somebody.  So as it turns, I am the lucky one!  
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 71d0f11..b1a9603 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,640 +1,2 @@
-January 31, 2020
-
-All that I have written has been processing.  
-I have said many times I need to be more selective with my sharing of what I write.  
-I am grappling with that.  What I think always has the feeling of wanting to be examined by someone else.  It feels like I want people to look over my work immediately or soon.  The sooner the better.  As a friend from college always said sympathetically, writers love to be read.
-
-Editing process.  This is my best plan.  The blog is one place where writing first copies is ok, it seems, because I am not forcing others to read or look at it.  I need to start writing more documents, unshared.  I never know when people want to read my stuff.  Hmmm.
-
-
-
-
-January 25, 2020
-
-Fitness Itself is the best motivator.  
-
-I just got back from a boxing class at the Y, following laps and water aquatics.  
-
-
-January 10, 2020
-
-Life is beautiful.  Life is so so beautiful.  So grateful for a poem Daddy sent me by Linda Pastan and an infinite heart carved out of wood so long ago I may have lost to the world, but the love will always be there for me.  
-
-January 2, 2020
-
-The classic bipolar person has overwhelming feelings and the classic schizophrenic person has overwhelming thoughts.  Schizoaffective disorder is classic as a condition that makes people confuse feelings with thoughts.  
-
-So, years ago, a friend of mine dared me to listen to Evangelical type Praise music on the radio and not enjoy it.  I was in my big period of war against organized religion.  So I took her up on it and oddly have been listening to Praise music in the car every chance I can steal.  
-
-Lately I put on a lot more, before I re-encountered an old friend and coworker who inspired my heart to actually care about the bible as a poem.  I listen to the praise music largely because of the way it makes me feel.  I could argue technicalities of my beliefs versus what others believe or what I think I am supposed to believe in my family versus other people's ideology.  But darn it, I wanted to love the bible for my friend.  So I decided to read it as something I can't help to love, a poem.  When I listen to the praise music, or cry in Mom's church, or enjoy grateful feelings of the Holy Spirit in Quaker Meeting, it is all emotion.  The emotion for me becomes more important than any logical thought.  
-
-It doesn't matter if it is fact or mythology or a combination or both at the same time.  I know in my heart it is true because I trust my friend.  Because he reminded me I have this thing inside myself which loves so much to be in Mom's church or Quaker Meeting and now, bible study with my friend.  I love it.  It just feels good to trust something like that.  In fact if something about it seems illogical, the simultaneous concert of hope I feel when I pray and praise seems more important to me than my own father or brother's possible annoyance that I am such a darned Christian and why?  
- 
-
-
-Plant your dream
-
-deep.  
-
-Much deeper than conventional 
-
-planting.  
-
-A dream should be 
-
-all but forgotten
-
-when the right question 
-
-disrupts its seed
-
-just enough and 
-
-in the exact way necessary
-
-to remind the dreamer 
-
-she ever put it there.  
-
-
-Some questions may come
-
-in abrasively or 
-
-strangely, especially if pure.
-
-A question maybe
-
-almost a disguised plea
-
-to be quiet please 
-
-for one more hour
-
-or so.
-
-Or to journal (instead of talking)
-
-Which somehow always 
-
-leads the dreamer magically 
-
-to the exact right place
-
-and time.
-
-
-December 31, 2019
-
-What is a Letter?
-
-a poem by Maggie Hess
-
-A letter is a wish, if just to remain hopeful,
-
-sometimes we cast out these questions to the Universe
-
-from the bottom of a pit of despair
-
-thinking we have reached the top of that month's feelings,
-
-forgetting that our phases 
-
-sometimes can obscure
-
-the longer term promises we make ourselves.
-
-Then some Costa Rican Granma hears our dark moment.  
-
-She knows perspective, if anyone does.  
-
-Being able to write a letter and really mean it
-
-means somehow there is a person, a sibling, a mentor, a friend,
-
-somewhere in the world there is a set of reading eyes.
-
-Then when it all circles back
-
-and the world is your oyster again
-
-and it is a better month
-
-and you are updating Lucky with new hope,
-
-let someone else know
-
-you are there for them,
-
-always open to getting letters!  
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-December 21, 2019
-
-
-hip grannies for peace
-
-[[!img hip_granies.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-
-happy solstice to all!
-
-[[!img friends_for_life.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-
-
-
-December 20, 2019
-
-My disability got approved without me needing to go to court.  
-
-In other witness, I am now reading the bible as a poem and loving it!!
-
-River's Way Sightings
-
-Saw Greg yesterday near the weight room.  
-
-Today, did water Aerobics.
-
-Talked with Thom Hanlon about reading the bible like a poem.  _Never_ had done that before!  Very smart.  Everything makes better sense when I talk with Tom.  It is fail safe.  I hope he has a restful holiday season.  He is maybe the most compassionate person I know.  I really need that.  And it helps to have someone as tuned into my reality and perceptive as he is.  I call him my mentor but he seems of unsure of what I mean by the word.   
-
-Oh, Johnny was at the water aerobics time playing in the rest of the water.  I never had seen him in the water since the start of my River's Way involvement and it was interesting to notice him in that good small pool we both love.  
-
-Happy Winter! 
-
-December 19, 2019
-
-Trying to turn the phone off this week.  No need for treatment yet for sleep apnea.  Might heal it with exercise too.  Doctor is the best one I've known.  Supremely optimistic.  
-
-
-December 18, 2019
-
-- declined first book deal.
-- made 3 friends.  
-
-
-
---
-
-I'm Mugword on instagram btw.  
-
-December 17, 2019
-
-Happy early Winter Solstice from the Hesses!
-
-[[!img eyes_connect_Mom_maggie.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img not_posing_maggie_joey.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img selfie_maggie_Mom.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-
-
-December 16, 2019

(Diff truncated)
diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 99d37a9..71d0f11 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,33 +1,19 @@
-January 25, 2020
-
-Fitness Itself is the best motivator.  
-
-I just got back from a boxing class at the Y, following laps and water aquatics.  
-
-January 23, 2020
-
-Russia is Profiting from Climate Change and while their economy grows and they celebrate national oil day, my friends in Florida really will not likely be able to remain on the disappearing peninsula as long as they hoped, and my acquaintances in India are dealing with landslides, while family and friends in California or Australia are burning in fire.  
+January 31, 2020
 
-For a while, I have been deeply listening to a friend of mine who has been praying for me and telling me about God and his understanding of the Bible.  I have not been able to bring myself to think much about politics this month, and I am glad.  I don't want to think about "politics" ever again.  At the same time what is going on in climate change is a real threat that is bringing suffering to many.  
+All that I have written has been processing.  
+I have said many times I need to be more selective with my sharing of what I write.  
+I am grappling with that.  What I think always has the feeling of wanting to be examined by someone else.  It feels like I want people to look over my work immediately or soon.  The sooner the better.  As a friend from college always said sympathetically, writers love to be read.
 
-Sure perspective is everything.  If all you care about is returning to the Holy Land to meet the second coming Christ, you might miss some of the other events happening around.  I am not saying Christ is not returning to the Holy Land.  I deeply do not know if Christ will return to he holy land.  I know Palestine is suffering a genocide.  I know Israelis are suffering.  Diving into the conflict in the middle east is not my MO here and today.  
+Editing process.  This is my best plan.  The blog is one place where writing first copies is ok, it seems, because I am not forcing others to read or look at it.  I need to start writing more documents, unshared.  I never know when people want to read my stuff.  Hmmm.
 
-Maybe I am too feeble or uneducated to know what to say about the Palestine Israeli conflict.  Maybe I am being political, shielding my Christian friends from the truth of the suffering they are incurring.  OK.  Sure.  
 
-But climate change is different.  It is not for me something I allow to be perverted into being called "Politics".  Sometimes I hear people proud of people for taking a political cause or being a conservationist, and I see those as 2 different things.  I once was proud of people for being political.  I am not there anymore.  But the suffering Climate Change is bringing is drastic and threatening life everywhere.  
 
-So I guess this is a notice to people who might be hearing me wince at politics to pray instead, to say I still care about justice and humanity.  I care about people and I don't want them to worry or be hurt or drown or burn or for all of their native livestock and creatures to die of fire or rain or drought or extreme circumstances of climate.  
 
-I believe in the prayer.  I do think it can be an answer to tangible problems.  I know it sounds crazy maybe to believe prayer can bring about results, but therapy can, so why can't prayer?  
-
-The questions that I hear from Christians and Non-Christians are the same questions.  I know what I know and that is my faith.  I believe what I believe and I am sure of it at least now.
-
-We have to do what is right in our heart.  All of us do.  We all have to listen deeply and follow our dreams like they are a newspaper or a map to what is necessary.  
-
-I am becoming more likely to talk about God.  I have always believed in God so less shame in any area is good, right?  
+January 25, 2020
 
-Even knowing God's will is hard.  But it also is basic and easy.  All you have to do is tune into the right inner channel.  
+Fitness Itself is the best motivator.  
 
+I just got back from a boxing class at the Y, following laps and water aquatics.  
 
 
 January 10, 2020

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index ce688f6..99d37a9 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,9 @@
+January 25, 2020
+
+Fitness Itself is the best motivator.  
+
+I just got back from a boxing class at the Y, following laps and water aquatics.  
+
 January 23, 2020
 
 Russia is Profiting from Climate Change and while their economy grows and they celebrate national oil day, my friends in Florida really will not likely be able to remain on the disappearing peninsula as long as they hoped, and my acquaintances in India are dealing with landslides, while family and friends in California or Australia are burning in fire.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index fc899a7..ce688f6 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,29 @@
+January 23, 2020
+
+Russia is Profiting from Climate Change and while their economy grows and they celebrate national oil day, my friends in Florida really will not likely be able to remain on the disappearing peninsula as long as they hoped, and my acquaintances in India are dealing with landslides, while family and friends in California or Australia are burning in fire.  
+
+For a while, I have been deeply listening to a friend of mine who has been praying for me and telling me about God and his understanding of the Bible.  I have not been able to bring myself to think much about politics this month, and I am glad.  I don't want to think about "politics" ever again.  At the same time what is going on in climate change is a real threat that is bringing suffering to many.  
+
+Sure perspective is everything.  If all you care about is returning to the Holy Land to meet the second coming Christ, you might miss some of the other events happening around.  I am not saying Christ is not returning to the Holy Land.  I deeply do not know if Christ will return to he holy land.  I know Palestine is suffering a genocide.  I know Israelis are suffering.  Diving into the conflict in the middle east is not my MO here and today.  
+
+Maybe I am too feeble or uneducated to know what to say about the Palestine Israeli conflict.  Maybe I am being political, shielding my Christian friends from the truth of the suffering they are incurring.  OK.  Sure.  
+
+But climate change is different.  It is not for me something I allow to be perverted into being called "Politics".  Sometimes I hear people proud of people for taking a political cause or being a conservationist, and I see those as 2 different things.  I once was proud of people for being political.  I am not there anymore.  But the suffering Climate Change is bringing is drastic and threatening life everywhere.  
+
+So I guess this is a notice to people who might be hearing me wince at politics to pray instead, to say I still care about justice and humanity.  I care about people and I don't want them to worry or be hurt or drown or burn or for all of their native livestock and creatures to die of fire or rain or drought or extreme circumstances of climate.  
+
+I believe in the prayer.  I do think it can be an answer to tangible problems.  I know it sounds crazy maybe to believe prayer can bring about results, but therapy can, so why can't prayer?  
+
+The questions that I hear from Christians and Non-Christians are the same questions.  I know what I know and that is my faith.  I believe what I believe and I am sure of it at least now.
+
+We have to do what is right in our heart.  All of us do.  We all have to listen deeply and follow our dreams like they are a newspaper or a map to what is necessary.  
+
+I am becoming more likely to talk about God.  I have always believed in God so less shame in any area is good, right?  
+
+Even knowing God's will is hard.  But it also is basic and easy.  All you have to do is tune into the right inner channel.  
+
+
+
 January 10, 2020
 
 Life is beautiful.  Life is so so beautiful.  So grateful for a poem Daddy sent me by Linda Pastan and an infinite heart carved out of wood so long ago I may have lost to the world, but the love will always be there for me.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 04fded4..fc899a7 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+January 10, 2020
+
+Life is beautiful.  Life is so so beautiful.  So grateful for a poem Daddy sent me by Linda Pastan and an infinite heart carved out of wood so long ago I may have lost to the world, but the love will always be there for me.  
+
 January 2, 2020
 
 The classic bipolar person has overwhelming feelings and the classic schizophrenic person has overwhelming thoughts.  Schizoaffective disorder is classic as a condition that makes people confuse feelings with thoughts.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 55c8995..04fded4 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,67 @@
+January 2, 2020
+
+The classic bipolar person has overwhelming feelings and the classic schizophrenic person has overwhelming thoughts.  Schizoaffective disorder is classic as a condition that makes people confuse feelings with thoughts.  
+
+So, years ago, a friend of mine dared me to listen to Evangelical type Praise music on the radio and not enjoy it.  I was in my big period of war against organized religion.  So I took her up on it and oddly have been listening to Praise music in the car every chance I can steal.  
+
+Lately I put on a lot more, before I re-encountered an old friend and coworker who inspired my heart to actually care about the bible as a poem.  I listen to the praise music largely because of the way it makes me feel.  I could argue technicalities of my beliefs versus what others believe or what I think I am supposed to believe in my family versus other people's ideology.  But darn it, I wanted to love the bible for my friend.  So I decided to read it as something I can't help to love, a poem.  When I listen to the praise music, or cry in Mom's church, or enjoy grateful feelings of the Holy Spirit in Quaker Meeting, it is all emotion.  The emotion for me becomes more important than any logical thought.  
+
+It doesn't matter if it is fact or mythology or a combination or both at the same time.  I know in my heart it is true because I trust my friend.  Because he reminded me I have this thing inside myself which loves so much to be in Mom's church or Quaker Meeting and now, bible study with my friend.  I love it.  It just feels good to trust something like that.  In fact if something about it seems illogical, the simultaneous concert of hope I feel when I pray and praise seems more important to me than my own father or brother's possible annoyance that I am such a darned Christian and why?  
+ 
+
+
+Plant your dream
+
+deep.  
+
+Much deeper than conventional 
+
+planting.  
+
+A dream should be 
+
+all but forgotten
+
+when the right question 
+
+disrupts its seed
+
+just enough and 
+
+in the exact way necessary
+
+to remind the dreamer 
+
+she ever put it there.  
+
+
+Some questions may come
+
+in abrasively or 
+
+strangely, especially if pure.
+
+A question maybe
+
+almost a disguised plea
+
+to be quiet please 
+
+for one more hour
+
+or so.
+
+Or to journal (instead of talking)
+
+Which somehow always 
+
+leads the dreamer magically 
+
+to the exact right place
+
+and time.
+
+
 December 31, 2019
 
 What is a Letter?

calendar update
diff --git a/archives/2020.mdwn b/archives/2020.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8843a09
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+[[!calendar type=year year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/01.mdwn b/archives/2020/01.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0577516
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/01.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=01 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(01) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/02.mdwn b/archives/2020/02.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..189d77c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/02.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=02 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(02) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/03.mdwn b/archives/2020/03.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..63a191c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/03.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=03 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(03) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/04.mdwn b/archives/2020/04.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d8be67f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/04.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=04 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(04) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/05.mdwn b/archives/2020/05.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..92e59fa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/05.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=05 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(05) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/06.mdwn b/archives/2020/06.mdwn
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--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/06.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=06 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(06) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/07.mdwn b/archives/2020/07.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9674bf2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/07.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=07 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(07) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/08.mdwn b/archives/2020/08.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..19eec13
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/08.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=08 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(08) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/09.mdwn b/archives/2020/09.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..282af8d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/09.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=09 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(09) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/10.mdwn b/archives/2020/10.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e459232
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/10.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=10 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(10) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/11.mdwn b/archives/2020/11.mdwn
new file mode 100644
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--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/11.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=11 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(11) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/12.mdwn b/archives/2020/12.mdwn
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--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/12.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=12 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(12) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index a727133..55c8995 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,55 @@
+December 31, 2019
+
+What is a Letter?
+
+a poem by Maggie Hess
+
+A letter is a wish, if just to remain hopeful,
+
+sometimes we cast out these questions to the Universe
+
+from the bottom of a pit of despair
+
+thinking we have reached the top of that month's feelings,
+
+forgetting that our phases 
+
+sometimes can obscure
+
+the longer term promises we make ourselves.
+
+Then some Costa Rican Granma hears our dark moment.  
+
+She knows perspective, if anyone does.  
+
+Being able to write a letter and really mean it
+
+means somehow there is a person, a sibling, a mentor, a friend,
+
+somewhere in the world there is a set of reading eyes.
+
+Then when it all circles back
+
+and the world is your oyster again
+
+and it is a better month
+
+and you are updating Lucky with new hope,
+
+let someone else know
+
+you are there for them,
+
+always open to getting letters!  
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
 December 21, 2019
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index f19314b..a727133 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,16 @@
+December 21, 2019
+
+
+hip grannies for peace
+
+[[!img hip_granies.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+happy solstice to all!
+
+[[!img friends_for_life.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+
+
 December 20, 2019
 
 My disability got approved without me needing to go to court.  

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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 8f746f3..f19314b 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,21 @@
+December 20, 2019
+
+My disability got approved without me needing to go to court.  
+
+In other witness, I am now reading the bible as a poem and loving it!!
+
+River's Way Sightings
+
+Saw Greg yesterday near the weight room.  
+
+Today, did water Aerobics.
+
+Talked with Thom Hanlon about reading the bible like a poem.  _Never_ had done that before!  Very smart.  Everything makes better sense when I talk with Tom.  It is fail safe.  I hope he has a restful holiday season.  He is maybe the most compassionate person I know.  I really need that.  And it helps to have someone as tuned into my reality and perceptive as he is.  I call him my mentor but he seems of unsure of what I mean by the word.   
+
+Oh, Johnny was at the water aerobics time playing in the rest of the water.  I never had seen him in the water since the start of my River's Way involvement and it was interesting to notice him in that good small pool we both love.  
+
+Happy Winter! 
+
 December 19, 2019
 
 Trying to turn the phone off this week.  No need for treatment yet for sleep apnea.  Might heal it with exercise too.  Doctor is the best one I've known.  Supremely optimistic.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 758135b..8f746f3 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,8 @@
+December 19, 2019
+
+Trying to turn the phone off this week.  No need for treatment yet for sleep apnea.  Might heal it with exercise too.  Doctor is the best one I've known.  Supremely optimistic.  
+
+
 December 18, 2019
 
 - declined first book deal.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 0da5bf5..758135b 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
 December 18, 2019
 
 - declined first book deal.
--made 3 friends.  
+- made 3 friends.  
 
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index fe8eb32..0da5bf5 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,14 @@
+December 18, 2019
+
+- declined first book deal.
+-made 3 friends.  
+
+
+
+--
+
+I'm Mugword on instagram btw.  
+
 December 17, 2019
 
 Happy early Winter Solstice from the Hesses!

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 60464f9..fe8eb32 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,12 @@
+December 17, 2019
+
+Happy early Winter Solstice from the Hesses!
+
+[[!img eyes_connect_Mom_maggie.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img not_posing_maggie_joey.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img selfie_maggie_Mom.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+
 December 16, 2019
 
 I tried to quit starting jobs, and I guess I succeeded, but one last time, I started by applying to another job, at a day center for mentally ill people working as peer supporter.  I think they were going to accept me for the position, when I realized the job would deplete what I need to take care of myself and keep myself sane.  So I called and said, sorry, I can't do it working for you after all.
@@ -442,3 +451,5 @@ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE
 
 
 
+
+

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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 8e42bd0..60464f9 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -128,7 +128,7 @@ PS  Want more art?
 
 [[!img modified.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img sunny_landscape.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img abstract.JPG align="right" size="" alt="400x"]]
+[[!img abstract.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img sprinke_heart.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img rainy_puddle.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img dog_cat_butterfly.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 0d42afc..8e42bd0 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,139 @@
+December 16, 2019
+
+I tried to quit starting jobs, and I guess I succeeded, but one last time, I started by applying to another job, at a day center for mentally ill people working as peer supporter.  I think they were going to accept me for the position, when I realized the job would deplete what I need to take care of myself and keep myself sane.  So I called and said, sorry, I can't do it working for you after all.
+
+Now it has been a long time since Thanksgiving, or whenever I last wrote here.  Listen as I explain what has happened!  I will be updating from various things I have written, copying them in here.  
+
+But first let's start with a new painting or two for the season.  
+
+
+[[!img the_angel_gabriel.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img rendition_of_bethlyham.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img a_draft_of_fishes.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+It is genuinely too bad I haven't updated for so long!
+
+PART ONE  
+
+UNIVERSAL APOLOGY
+
+All I knew how to do until now was apologize, which never is enough without a better explanation, at least something heartfelt that goes deeper.  Why am I spending so much time and energy focusing on you or our relationship?  Because you are very important to me whether you want to be the focus of attention or not.  But there is another reason you might like to hear more.  I have been severely bitter and angry at everyone.  It doesn't come across all the time like anger, but my level of anger at everyone has been getting worse and worse, to the point that I didn't want to go out at all for Thanksgiving, to the point that I couldn't reach out to anyone, to the point that I wasn't sure why I am alive.  I was having trouble digging to the bottom of the root of this anger all by myself or even in therapy, even writing in my journal.  I couldn't figure out where it started.  You can imagine a children's picture of a giant root and me with a rake pulling it so hard I fell back.  That has been me, either that or tangled up by the root, by the anger, thrashing whomever I thought of or whomever got in my way.  Or just making a silent vow never to talk to so many other people again.  
+
+Then today, I went to see Won't You be my Neighbor, which is a new movie out about Mr Rogers with Tom Hanks playing our hero, who is interviewed by a journalist who initially would prefer write a take down piece.  The journalist is very angry at his father and Mr. Rogers teaches him about forgiveness in a very nice way.  So while I was watching this occur on the screen I was thinking my own thoughts about who is it I am angry at and I didn't name a single name, because the truth came to me, I have been very angry at myself.  I guess you could put a name on it "mental illness" because I am angry at the mental illness in a way, but more succinctly for me, I have been angry at how people respond to me because of the illness, or the fact that people have to take care of me, or treat me differently, or don't come to see me when I am hospitalized, or the fact that someone came to the hospital and brought her own baggage because she couldn't really take care of me, or the fact that it has led to my weight gain, and how obese mentally ill people live an average of 25 fewer years because of heart disease and how my red blood count is high right now.  
+
+The reason I am angry or rather that I have until now had way too much residual anger boiling under my skin is I am deeply discouraged by my mental illness.  It has come to a crux.  And sure lots of interpersonal arguments happened, but the thing is, my being angry at other people is entirely built upon anger I have at myself.  And to top that, it makes it a million times worse.
+
+Now in writing this my doctor calls and suggests I have sleep apnea and not heart disease, and it reminds me of where I am going with this writing, that I also am very grateful.  
+
+I am a person who believes in right and wrong, in injustice and justice, and it is why I get angry, but it could also be a reason to not be angry.  My Mom asked what are you going to do to be nice to yourself?  And I think the most important first step in my being nice to myself is to be nice to you and all the other people I have been bitter towards.  It is going to be hard patching it back together with all of these broken relationships, but I need all of them and hopefully they will also take Mr Rogers to heart and do what makes them less angry too, because that is the best thing for all of us to do for all of us and ultimately for ourselves.  
+
+
+PART TWO 
+
+A LONG WALK:  SOMETHING TO CHANGE MY MIND OVER
+
+I have been thinking for several days I want to plan a long northward segment hike on the AT starting around mid April or May on the TN VA line. I have this idea that I might want to hike shelter to shelter and not use a tent because it takes room and is weighty.  I know shelters can get crowded along there and might decided to leave earlier in April due to those questions.  I am conditioning to a point, and am losing some weight, which might help me out there.  If you want to come along for any or all of it, I know you share the dream.  I hadn't looked much into AT hiking until now, and probably won't make it to Maine, and am not even sure if I am trying, but want to go on a long walk.  If I do make it to Maine, I can do the southward trek later in my life and call myself one of the few who have walked the whole thing.  I just want to start walking and see where I land.  I have a backpack, sleeping bag, hiking shoes, and am hoping to prepare food for he walk.  I'll let you know if I chicken out, but I have been researching this for days.  :)
+
+
+Actually, I was having trouble thinking about whether to go northbound or southbound and there seem a lot of pros for southbound when starting in May in Virginia.  I am starting to think southbound towards Georgia wins.  Also, I could potentially walk from Damascus as my starting point, and leave after trail days May 17-19.  
+
+it is a shorter trek to Georgia
+it can be really full of other people who all walk along the same trail, either way, but they become a community and know eachother, which can have pros and cons both ways, but for the feeling of solitude, I might want to go south
+Pennsylvania has tons of long rocky segments that don't feel worth it, so I might want more experience before PA, and could go south this time, and North some other year.
+
+PART THREE
+
+THE JOY OF QUITTING
+
+I am processing what happened today.  I had thought it might be beneficial for me to mentor or peer counsel mentally ill people, for my own development and growth.  So amazingly, I found an opportunity where I could work with mentally ill people in a drop in day center in town.  My title would have been "peer counselor".  I went through the initial steps of employment, and they wanted me, but wanted to have me do various more steps, like sitting in prior to employment in the center to see how I got along with people.  I got along fine, and it was an uneventful day, mostly, except for what was occurring inside of me, a reassessment of things internal, an introspective moment that might shape my identity.  When I came home, I needed a long nap or 2 just to process all that needed thought through.
+
+I always kind of assumed that mentally ill people are like me.  A family friend of mine kind of annoyed me once when she said I am "Beautiful Mind" but she has a point.  On one dimension, I think I always used to think all mentally ill people at least have the capacity to be "Beautiful Mind" like me.  
+
+The center was very full in capacity.  I think everyone there is helped by being in the center, but I immediately upon coming home made a decision not to go work there to help the people more.  My life commitment seems to be to Poetry and Art and NOT directly to helping people though my poems and  art might help.  Being in the center helped me to clarify that.  One of the people in the center was an artist and seems blind also, but the rest of them do not seem as productive, were lower functioning, and probably are generally lower intelligence.  Maybe I had heard someone say that I am a sort of outlier, being Beautiful Mind-ish.  I just never took it in and thought it could be fact.  
+
+PART 4  
+
+WRITTEN ON NAMI DISCUSSION FORUM
+
+I want to say this delicately as possible, and to not seem ungrateful.  
+
+I have schizoaffective disorder and come to a place like this nami discussion forum to talk with other people with the diagnosis.  I am aware there are care givers (and burnt out care givers who might no longer be able to give care) in this forum.  My experience has always found challenge in dealing with other people's care givers, and sometimes my own.  There is a feeling of resentment, of people wishing their children/spouse/sibling had not ended up being one of those crazy people.  I have people in my life who go to al anon because of me, who I barely communicate with.  I also really am not the worst case of a schizoaffective person, of what one could me.  I don't do drugs, I don't do alchohol, I take my meds as prescribed, I am compliant, I am nonviolent.  I had to be hospitalized this year, but I did everything in my power to get back on track as soon as possible.  I used to start jobs a lot and then have to quit them, but I have learned from my pattern and have been working on not starting things, because it drains people.  If I was independent, I would be different, I would act differently, I would try more things, but I live with my 78 year old mother and I tune into her world.  I do what she would need, I often am care taking her.  I have trouble interacting with care givers, but I do well with my Mom for the most part.  I do not like the do-gooder-mentality as it oppresses me.  I find people complatining about their "loved" one with mental illness but they don't seem like they would be doing any better if they were in our shoes.  It is not our fault.  It is a medical condition.  It is not our desire to have these things happen, to experience psychosis, to have mania.  In another place I go online, I have been talking with some schizoaffective people like me.  They are scared to death that they will kill themselves.  They are terrified of the voices.  They don't want to keep cycling.  
+
+Maybe we don't say enough I am sorry for what my cycling is doing to you, loved one, care giver, burn out.  Maybe we say it too much.  I feel a supreme sense of injustice in terms of how care givers talk about mentally ill people.  
+
+This is how I would like to be spoken about:  Isn't she brave?  Isn't she brazen?  Wow how whe handles this illness.  Wow how she lives and lives and keeps trying no matter what seems to happen to her.  She is the most resilient person I know.  She is the one who is suffering here.  Though I, her caregiver suffer, no good comes from me whining about her where she can see it/ hear it/ breathe in my negativity.  If I say I love her for any reason, I need to focus on her bright side.  I need to focus on her resilience. I need to dig deeper and deeper into the subject of resilience.  For all of the talk I hear about "my daughter hears voices.  my spouse won't take his meds." would you take a minute for every bit of energy you are pushing out that is like that, would you say something good about your loved one, who is a loved one for a reason.
+
+It is like me.  I am an amazing artist, an amazing poet.  
+
+I am amazing.  There are dimensions to me which knock most normal people out of the park.  Sorry normal people.  
+
+I have tried and tried and tried.  I have tried harder and harder and more and more than anyone else out there who I know.  And I bet your "loved" one can say they have tried and tried to.
+
+SO HONOR THE PART OF THEM THAT IS BRILLIANT.  Honor the bit of them that is still brilliant mind.  Somehow.  They might be driving you crazy.  Yes.  But for just one minute, and I want you to make this a practice, say I treasure my loved one's brilliant mind today when you think the hard things, say it out loud or write it in your journal where only truth matters.  Say they are a treasure.  
+
+Water their roots, nourish them with that.  And I am just going to tell you a little secret.  They will grow differently.  They will grow stronger and prouder.  They will be strong and proud then. 
+
+PART 5  
+
+GROWTH
+
+Actually, someone had said it takes years to get this insight.  At the same moment, I also got a different comment in a private chat on 7 cups of tea, which is this place people can go online to listen or be listened to because listening can help.  I have been acting as a listener on there, kind of medicinally, lately especially, because I am growing my listening skills, and my abilities to cultivate empathy, and counsel others with mental illness.  
+
+So, I got this other compliment at the same moment on there, which was this person who has been needing an ear, who asked me how I do it as a listener, while having schizoaffective.  
+
+I wrote this response that I find relevant to this discussion of personal strength, resilience, and insight of schizoaffective folks:
+
+
+ "I am amazed because I didn't think about it but I never used to have great confidence in my listening skills, and I didn't think I was someone who had the capacity to be good at listening to others, because I suffered my own problems. But now I think I have learned to be a good listener in part because I am someone who has survived to suffer my own problems. Thank you for helping me realize that. I have been a listener for about 2 years I think, but didn't do it all the way through, and am now picking up a bit heavier as a listener."
+
+I have been chatting with people who are in the early throws of schizoaffective disorder, and I guess it is worth telling caregivers to, the difference in personal growth between then and now for someone who is high functioning and compliant with medical treatment protocol, like me, is drastic as night and day.
+
+19 years ago, when I was first being diagnosed with this illness, it was really bad.  I say really bad, but it doesn't describe that there were parts of my day when I sat around on the couch in a sort of trance of depression with lactating breasts (sorry graphic detail) from progesterone of early treatment gone awry, not talking to many other people, without a single person I could call a friend, relying on family who was scared to death that they never would find ample treatment for me, that the girl they knew in youth would never return and I was indeed changed overnight into someone they barely recognized.  Then in that same time to have times when I would be so hyped up with mania I went wandering, I donated all of my clothes to charity, I cut my own hair many times, I also was high achieving somehow, so it confused others.  I in that same time, still had this push to try try try at college, so I started and then had to quit school so many times it made me bleary.  (Twelve years in I did graduate to show how things changed and in what timeline.)
+
+Yes it went from real psychosis where I truly was afraid the squirrels were staring at me, where I thought I saw an animated giant caterpillar like in Alice in Wonderland, where I would wander around various times even at night while my loved ones cared after me, wriging their dear hands, and wondering if I would be killed or hurt.  Then after about 4 years of repeat hospitalization, and bizarre behavior, having at one time to be arrested, but thank goodness for caregivers and nice legal counsel and good doctors and staff, after 4 years the hospitalization ended.  Then I still was in the throw of moods so bad, so then with the high functioning, it was easy to misdiagnose me bipolar.  
+
+There was a lot of time of trying to understand self.  I went from wanting to hide my mental ill identity to today thinking I don't want to even be friends with people who can't dig the mental illness and understand the condition.  The next decade involved seeking after the degree to the point it exhausted my family some, and amazed them that I actually got the degree, and in other parts of life, I went from having graduated high school popular and full of relationships to falling off a metaphorical cliff of diagnosis.  Ok, so that was 17-21 in the hospitals, 21-31 and ongoing to 37 starting to have relationships of sort, I mean just friendships, but finally being able to trust others really helped my longterm psychosis and eventual lack of psychotic thinking.  What I mean is the psychosis, the thinking others talked bad about me, the worry of human relation, went from not trusting others to have a friend, to having this one friend about 23 or 24 who was so good that she offered her ear to me every night on the phone, just in kind listening, that I built the ability to trust others again, rebuilt I guess it was.  Then age 29 I think it was, I graduated college and that takes a ton of trust and relationship!  
+
+Not only that, but my listening skills, and so many other skills were building tremendously.  
+
+And reading this you might be like, but I thought you didn't recognize the help of caregivers.  No, I do recognize their help.  I wouldn't be who I am without caregivers.  That first real friend at age 23 was in a way a caregiver.  My family has always been there for me in some form or other, whether with reservation or often just amazingly supportively.  I can't ever say enough about the necessity of care givers.  In fact if I was to list the reason for my successes, it would be this list in pretty much this order:
+
+Keeps her head above water, doesn't do drugs or alchohol, gets enough sleep, has basic needs taken care of, takes her medication as prescribed, has adequate economic and legal needs met, believes the story of treatment in her own version and believes in the need for medication, Has Long Sustained Compassionate Loving Care Givers, and then I would keep listing on and on.
+
+So pretty high in my basic needs is love.  Hmm..  Maybe it should be higher?
+
+Anyway, who is reading and reacting to this?  
+
+Is it helping you at all to hear my story?
+
+What sorts of questions do you have for an articluate genius who also has a disabling mental illness?
+
+Am I saying things that rub you the wrong way?  (sorry I am trying to be outspoken and brazen which is my true nature, and I really don't want to be hurtful)
+
+I would love to share my true name here, since I have books on Amazon you can look into.  Not sure that is allowed?  Some other time I will research into the guidelines.  or maybe someone can say?
+
+Thank you for listening!  
+
+Thank you for believing in your loved ones.  
+
+May we all find gratitude and reasons for gratitude as a great gift to each moment.   
+
+
+PART 6
+
+and more upcoming soon!
+
+PS  Want more art?
+
+
+[[!img modified.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img sunny_landscape.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img abstract.JPG align="right" size="" alt="400x"]]
+[[!img sprinke_heart.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img rainy_puddle.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img dog_cat_butterfly.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img stainedglass.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
 November 21, 2019
 
 Vocation of Poet/Artist
@@ -303,3 +439,6 @@ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE
 [[!img picsart_09-06-05-28-31.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 
 
+
+
+

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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 0f1e11c..0d42afc 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,9 @@
+November 21, 2019
+
+Vocation of Poet/Artist
+
+I quit trying to start new jobs because I had quit 60 jobs, it seemed my success was unlikely, and all of trying had taken a heavy toll.  There still is the temptation to try to better my life with a job.  Socially it can feel fulfilling to work, and it seems I need more saved for my long term economic outlook.  But because I quit 60 jobs, and because I draw social security disability insurance, my life is going in a direction where work is neither necessary nor worth the attempt.  Fortunately I can sustain my existence on the limited income that social security supplies.  These truths make it possible for me to have much more free time, since I am not having to work.  My main new goal is to spend more time doing things that in the long run make me feel good about myself.  These activities include chores, dog walking, swimming, meditation, and various types of creative arts such as writing and visual art making.   Seeking after the art and not the cash reward is a gift and having the ability to be creative uplifts my soul and decreases the angst of not being able to work.  
+
 <P>November 12, 2019</P>
 
 Tankas and Mutants.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 9d1ee1f..0f1e11c 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
-<P>November 12, 2019
+<P>November 12, 2019</P>
 
 Tankas and Mutants.  
 
@@ -49,14 +49,14 @@ While silver maples
 
 glide slowly to ground, long gusts.
 
-Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
+<P>Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
 
 
 
 
  </P>
 
-<P>November 11, 2019
+<P>November 11, 2019</P>
 
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
@@ -67,7 +67,7 @@ I send the image to a birder friend.
 
 Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but different degrees of how close the bird is to the next bird.  Space can lift the wings."  
 
-She finds that interesting.  
+<P>She finds that interesting.  
 
  </P>
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 012200a..9d1ee1f 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
-November 12, 2019
+<P>November 12, 2019
 
 Tankas and Mutants.  
 
@@ -54,9 +54,9 @@ Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
 
 
 
-<P> </P>
+ </P>
 
-November 11, 2019
+<P>November 11, 2019
 
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
@@ -69,7 +69,7 @@ Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but di
 
 She finds that interesting.  
 
-<P> </P>
+ </P>
 
 
 November 1, 2019

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index fea33bb..012200a 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -54,6 +54,7 @@ Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
 
 
 
+<P> </P>
 
 November 11, 2019
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index a96b711..fea33bb 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -68,7 +68,7 @@ Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but di
 
 She finds that interesting.  
 
-<p> </p>
+<P> </P>
 
 
 November 1, 2019

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 52b63f8..a96b711 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -68,7 +68,7 @@ Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but di
 
 She finds that interesting.  
 
-
+<p> </p>
 
 
 November 1, 2019

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 43c4337..52b63f8 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,6 +3,7 @@ November 12, 2019
 Tankas and Mutants.  
 
 The first one here is a mutant tanka that I accidentally wrote in 57555.
+
 --
 
  Leaves from one tree fell

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 89b06f6..43c4337 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,6 +3,7 @@ November 12, 2019
 Tankas and Mutants.  
 
 The first one here is a mutant tanka that I accidentally wrote in 57555.
+--
 
  Leaves from one tree fell
 
@@ -14,11 +15,11 @@ What tells them it’s time?
 
 Eaten by their roots.
 
-
+--
 
 Then I figured out the correct count.
 
-
+--
 
 Nature elements -
 
@@ -31,13 +32,13 @@ Each one takes my breath away.
 Each opens me, calls my name.
 
 
-
+--
 
 
 
 And this one
 
-
+--
 
 Walking through a pile
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index e559e8b..89b06f6 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,5 +1,60 @@
 November 12, 2019
 
+Tankas and Mutants.  
+
+The first one here is a mutant tanka that I accidentally wrote in 57555.
+
+ Leaves from one tree fell
+
+to cover alley gravel
+
+while greens and browns stayed.
+
+What tells them it’s time?
+
+Eaten by their roots.
+
+
+
+Then I figured out the correct count.
+
+
+
+Nature elements -
+
+dove, leaf litter, clothes pin, hill.
+
+Decay, falling, steep.
+
+Each one takes my breath away.
+
+Each opens me, calls my name.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+And this one
+
+
+
+Walking through a pile
+
+burnt sienna, oaks cling tight.
+
+While silver maples
+
+glide slowly to ground, long gusts.
+
+Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
+
+
+
+
+
+November 11, 2019
+
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
 [[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index c327ca0..e559e8b 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,7 +2,7 @@ November 12, 2019
 
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
-[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size=100x"" alt=""]]
+[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 
 
 "I like this."  She says, then, "Different stages or aspects of flight, that show struggle and transcendence."

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index cdfc6cf..c327ca0 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,7 +2,7 @@ November 12, 2019
 
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
-[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size=400x"" alt=""]]
+[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size=100x"" alt=""]]
 
 
 "I like this."  She says, then, "Different stages or aspects of flight, that show struggle and transcendence."

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index f9f7486..cdfc6cf 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,7 +2,7 @@ November 12, 2019
 
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
-[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size=400x"" alt=""]]
 
 
 "I like this."  She says, then, "Different stages or aspects of flight, that show struggle and transcendence."

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index abb67a2..f9f7486 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,19 @@
+November 12, 2019
+
+I send the image to a birder friend.  
+
+[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+
+
+"I like this."  She says, then, "Different stages or aspects of flight, that show struggle and transcendence."
+
+Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but different degrees of how close the bird is to the next bird.  Space can lift the wings."  
+
+She finds that interesting.  
+
+
+
+
 November 1, 2019
 
 Mental illness has been hard, but I think I am a better person on this side of recovery.   Does this mean that I am better because of the recovery in spite of or because of the mental illness?  Is mental illness all bad?  I don’t know about others who suffer from these illnesses, but I think it is hard to suffer mental illness and not be somehow more resilient.  Years of my life have truly been swallowed up by suffering, anxiety, depression, and blankness to name a few.  Maybe mental illness is all bad, actually.  But my mentality, despite ongoing trials, is experiencing overcoming now too.  For a long time, I remember only anguish being paired with my mental illness.  Those were times when I could not identify what was wrong, or wrong with me.  Those were the worst times.  Then there were times when I was scared to speak the words of diagnosis or symptom paired with my name.  In society, I feared a blemish on my name, that existed whether or not I told the truth already, yet I was so afraid to tell people.  Then there were times of suffering public but alone.  For some time I never had met an ally in the mental illness, someone who shared my affliction.  After the miracle of community, I still suffered a full decade of daily crises.  I still felt isolation, and to this day feel peerless.  I accomplished a dream, graduating college, only to find I may never be able to work full time.  Through all of the protagonist drama, I lost the support and compassion of a terrible collection of care givers.  

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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,16 @@
+November 1, 2019
+
+Mental illness has been hard, but I think I am a better person on this side of recovery.   Does this mean that I am better because of the recovery in spite of or because of the mental illness?  Is mental illness all bad?  I don’t know about others who suffer from these illnesses, but I think it is hard to suffer mental illness and not be somehow more resilient.  Years of my life have truly been swallowed up by suffering, anxiety, depression, and blankness to name a few.  Maybe mental illness is all bad, actually.  But my mentality, despite ongoing trials, is experiencing overcoming now too.  For a long time, I remember only anguish being paired with my mental illness.  Those were times when I could not identify what was wrong, or wrong with me.  Those were the worst times.  Then there were times when I was scared to speak the words of diagnosis or symptom paired with my name.  In society, I feared a blemish on my name, that existed whether or not I told the truth already, yet I was so afraid to tell people.  Then there were times of suffering public but alone.  For some time I never had met an ally in the mental illness, someone who shared my affliction.  After the miracle of community, I still suffered a full decade of daily crises.  I still felt isolation, and to this day feel peerless.  I accomplished a dream, graduating college, only to find I may never be able to work full time.  Through all of the protagonist drama, I lost the support and compassion of a terrible collection of care givers.  
+
+How did resilience come alive in me in these processes?  Resilience came as the gradual discovery that falling is easier when you laugh and get back up as quickly as possible looking around to see who you can inspire.  There were conversations about actual falling and how laughter helps you off the ground.  I learned constantly because I kept falling.  The first time I felt very depressed, I remember feeling more depressed because a favorite fruit did not interest me, because loved ones seemed dismayed by me, though they may have felt it for me, and because of possibilities I feared I had left behind.  The way I remember it nothing brought me joy for a long time.  When there is no joy, resilience is hard to find.  I did find it in conversations with mentors and caregivers.  I found resilience in their offering.  But I needed to learn to find it for myself.  Independence of thought did come to me but I think I found some joys too.  A pattern was, I poured my love into a person who did not love me the way I did.  I am so glad I did, because connection teaches us resilience, even in its losses.  The thing with falling is, each time we do it, it might hurt worse, but it also is easier to recover the quicker we brush ourselves off the first time.  
+
+In the beginning I think I believed the joy would never return to me.  When I found it there still, that was an important moment too.  Mentally ill meant I would lose self control sometimes, a state called manic.  It meant my truths would not necessarily be true, a state called psychotic.  It meant I would feel terrible for a long time, a state called depression.  But to my relief and surprise, I was not stuck in the depression forever since I did not want to lose control or be untrue.   I could have happiness again, even despite my diagnosis.  
+
+I made the mistake many times of growing attached to the happiness.  I thought it was something I had learned how to recover, as if I would never be sad again.  Then every time, the happiness ended either because I was unrealistic with my hopes, or just socially awkward to the point of humiliation.    Of course, to this day, I reach these ecstasies and lows, and I likely will never quit being on the wave that emotion is.  I am in the water of emotion but I am learning how to swim.  I am swallowing water still, but at least I am kicking and trying.  To this day, I feel forever in the sadnesses that come, as if they will not end.  But I respond more responsibly too.  I know I am a physical body and so I don’t stay up pining if I could sleep and rest.  I know my needs.  I know what I can do to feel better sometimes, or relax a little, or get my mind off of the subject.  Often all I need is to change my mental channel.  
+
+I would not have these coping mechanisms or this perspective if I had not been forced to cope.  I am someone with mental illness and it will never be cast out of me, and I am glad I am here.  Because me and mental illness in a way are one, I am glad I endured this bad thing, because it got me to me.  
+
+
 October 28, 2019
 
 Relationships Harbor Beauty and Ugliness

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 28a5d6b..5b5071a 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,36 @@
+October 28, 2019
+
+Relationships Harbor Beauty and Ugliness
+
+Three or so months ago I started a relationship document on my computer to try to get to the bottom of what is happening in my human relationships, a status that has for a long time been changeable, inclined towards loss, and agony.  I wrote out many names, writing beside each some pointer to myself regarding how I hope to have better boundaries, but also just describing my relationships with several individuals.  That is a very private document.  But it has been churning in me, some fifty or so people, few of whom exist on facebook, some of whom I haven't seen for a decade, yet who somehow have made their mark on me in some sizable way, generally, with some random exceptions included with humor, or babes who just need love and can't be counted on at all, naturally, too.  
+
+Recently, one close family friend, so to speak, and I have been having difficulty relating together, and the situation makes me very aware that most of the people in my life just will never know and or believe in me, which is to me the hallmark of what matters in relationships.  This one friend has known me forever, but doesn't really seem to know me, and definitely doesn't believe in me.  Other friendships vary.  And for a while I started wondering if I might just nix the ones somehow who don't know and believe in me.  It seems something innate within our relationships, something that I truly need, and something that is stationary and unchanging, mostly.  Understanding and respect seem so integrally connected to knowing and believing.  
+
+In my world, I am a lot different than most other people, and you have to comprehend me to behold me to a point, and you have to renown me to a degree to hold me.  Or for it to mean anything.  So I guess I have had a lot of, too many, fake relationships, or just lingering relating with people who don't know or believe in me, yet who have known my family forever, and so it seems like we ought to keep spending time together.  And the time together can hurt very bad for me, because I am so unknown and unbelieved in with so many people.  
+
+Then tonight, I reopen this document on relationships, and something happens where I decide to bold only the true believers just to see what happens, to approach it from the point of upholding the creme of the crop.  Then something amazing happens, and it is so telling, I am skipping over Mom and Daddy, and I learn something in that, that I can't just delete the ones who don't believe in me deep in their heart.
+
+I know with my mental illness, it is hard for close family members to really truly believe in me.  As it happens none of the ten who I have bolded in the end are close family members.  Or family members at all.  Three are distance friendships, either pen pals, or email pals, or phone pals.  I'm not entirely sure about one of those.  Seems she could be moved into the other camp if she got too much of me.  
+
+I see my advice for me that I have written out months ago regarding these 10 anomalies.  "She is a hermit crab.  She was very outgoing in friendship with me this year.  Then withdrew, asking not to be communicated with.  Because I over communicated by text and email, poems and junk."  
+
+or 
+
+"I overcommunicate, and she bares with me, and probably would never get mad, but I need to step it just a notch back for our sake.  She does seem interested in the duration of our friendship though."
+
+or 
+
+" Honor that she is a life friend, even when I get frustrated with her.  Put best foot forward or no foot.  Has been very generous, especially lately."
+
+Nothing is perfect.  Am I putting people too high up?  Am I over using my relationships?  Am I draining all my resources even the ones I say are great?  How can I be ok with friends and family who don't believe in me?  
+
+Many emotions.  But one stands out.  I feel very grateful that ten people believe in me.  I can't make an island of people like that.  But I can be a person like that for a baby.  I can be a person like that for a child.  Sometimes I don't know how.  But I can.  
+
+
+
+
+
+
 October 19, 2019
 
 Psychosis is Beautiful

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index d8eb72f..28a5d6b 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,5 +1,49 @@
 October 19, 2019
 
+Psychosis is Beautiful
+
+Writing poems that personify trees and expand upon images that might otherwise be ignored makes me think of the bending of visions also called psychosis.  Psychosis can come as a visionary answer and can bring new perspectives.  Psychosis does not have to be horrific or scary for the people who see it.  As Americans and citizens of the world, we need to remodel how we perceive psychosis. So I call my works "Guided Psychosis" with all of that in mind. Every day I see images in the natural world that speak a different sort of language to me. Lines blur between psychosis and poetry. Nature images seem improved by the lens of the mentally ill person or shaman who sees differently.  So I present to you a chapbook that has nothing to do with psychosis and has everything to do with psychosis, also.  As a poet, I learn to observe the world more deeply and creatively.   I hold these pictures of the natural world beside the warped lens of psychosis knowing my own mental illness has gifted me with a unique way of seeing things that I would not have if I had never been so different.  
+
+
+Nude Art Criticism 
+
+
+1.
+
+I lived in a peaceful basement of a professor couple.  I was absorbed by the beauty of the basement, in a way that was odd for a college student.  I was nearing graduation, which was probably the greatest thing I ever will accomplish because of disability.  I was grateful, unsure of what I would do next, and not resolved to go home and live with Mom yet.  So I kept coming to points where I felt so conflicted with something or other that had happened in my life, that I had quit, started, stopped, and then again started back at school more times than I can count.  This moment is 7 years after graduation, and I am writing this document knowing I am feeling through a thought that is vague right now, in attempt at forming a more solid idea of my life then, so I can understand what art and beauty means to me.  But I will get back to that.  So I was happy mostly at that point when my story opens but I did feel kind of lonely sometimes, and I got an idea that another student might stay in the basement with me, if the professor friends of mine agreed.  They agreed but said they’d need to approve it.  And I am not sure if it is how they would have went about it or not, but I posted an ad in our college’s online site.  The first applicant who came was a gay man who I had taken a class with.  We were friends on facebook, but I was not close to him.  I had thought he was a pretty good person, and had been getting closer than I had been with another gay man, Adam, who I told about how the second gay man had applied, and Adam said, “No”.  And I initially thought my contemplative colleague Adam might think I wanted to set them both up based on their being gay, which would have been a bad idea.  But Adam said the applicant was not my friend.  But I didn’t want to turn him down.  
+
+About half a semester ahead of this time, I had sketched my naked body, an image of me, and had posted it on my closet.  My professors knew I had put it there and they seemed to either like it or not to mind.  My friend who had seen it, Jamie, said it was “not weird” to have it there.  And I asked her what she meant, and she just wanted me to know she didn’t think my art was weird because as an art student she knew I might have wondered if it was odd.  I moved forward, without giving her comment much thought.  Then when I graduated, my brother saw the picture, when he stayed in the other room in the basement, and said it was my room and totally fine to have my art there, and that I shouldn’t worry that he had seen it.  I worried a little for some reason, but a lot was going on like graduating, and I moved on with life.  Then the second gay man, moved to the other room and became my house-mate.  Very early in his time there, I was lying on my bed about to go to bed, and he came in the room poking through my things in a way I found intrusive, and I had not invited him in.  Then he looked at the nude self portrait sketch and he was aghast.  He told me he wished I had told him I had naked art, and I think he said it triggered him.  But I was pissed off because he had come into my room without asking and he was an art student too, I think, and it was art, and I got so upset and him I might have screamed.  But I wasn’t entirely sure why I was so angry at him, and usually I tried not to trigger people.  Eventually, I was asked by Libby, the professor upstairs, what about his words or actions had bothered me.  But I closed down.  I did not want to talk about it, and in fact I got so upset I rented  a uhaul and I went all the way home  two states away in Tennessee with most of my belongings thinking I was done with that house, and moving home angrily.  
+
+
+Looking back today, I wonder what had triggered the house-mate, and I am sorry that I caused so much drama.  But I am also interested in what had gone on in my brain about the art that spurred on this sort of incident!  As I said many times I had returned home for small reasons that had felt smaller than this, but in an act of quitting.  So that might explain part of it.  But what was going on in me about the art? Part of it is that I think I felt the art was being criticized, though now I see it maybe was not.  I am not certain of what was going on in me, but it was not an act, I really felt that way.  So I am going to dig deeper into this.
+
+2.
+
+That opens so many questions for me, what I wrote in the first segment of this piece.  Then I had to go and find Dorian Grey, and now I have so many more things to think about.  I will get to them, but it will take time. 
+
+If I had to say a single reason for the fact that I got upset when my sketch was criticized, it would take some processing to figure out that one reason.  I think it was because I felt so strongly that the sketch was art, and art means something to me that is so powerful, and it had been so so long since I had made any art at all, and this sketch was an outpouring of my soul, and though the image of a nude body might have triggered my house mate, him being upset by it felt to me an offense, even if it was a natural reaction in him, because him not wanting to look at my art went so powerfully against the grain of who I was, in my ideas at the time, somehow, that I just was appalled that I would even ever desire to let this man cohabit with me.  The problem is, that was a supremely lengthy sentence.  It is no simple thing.  And every inch of all of this just is begging me to be unpacked.  
+
+I am one fifth of the way through reading Dorian Grey at this time, since I started today and am plowing through it with utter delight.  There were some lines in the prologue that I absolutely have to put in here because Dorian Grey is about art, and the lines seem to have been written just for me.
+
+“The highest, as the lowest, form of criticism is a mode of autobiography.”  Oscar Wilde
+
+When my house-mate criticized my art, the artist, me, had no room in me to feel for him.  I knew my art was beautiful and perfect like a child.  I had no fear that his negative thoughts meant my art was less worthy or brilliant, but I did not have a minute to hear his personal concerns about my art and its impact on him. His autobiography pushed against mine in a horrible way.  My autobiography felt  invaded by his autobiography, and I was the one who had invited him in to live next to me.  I was the one who had asked him and that bothered me about myself too.  
+
+ I didn’t mean for him to have to look at a sketch of my nude body, but there is a difference between naked and nude, and this was nude.  Nude is art.  Nude is beautiful no matter what.  Naked can be obscene.  Maybe.  Someone said that to me one time, when I found a friend nude in his garden down at the bottom of Wortroot and he promised me he was not naked.
+
+
+I believe in nudity.  I don’t know everything about it.  I know little about nudity, but I believe in the art of the human form.  
+
+
+
+To be continued.  
+
+
+
+October 18, 2019
+
+Culture is Beautiful
+
 I purchased all the records in one of the houses across the street, which has one more day of estate sale today, for 20 dollars.  I always used to think women folk musicians was my genre of choice, but I think exposure might be the reason I chose that for me.  Now I am learning about Aretha Franklin, Billy Holiday, The Belles, Ray Charles, Ella Fitzgerald, Dinah Washington, Michael Jackson, Bobby Bland, and Dianne Warick, to just name a few.  I love being able to listen to these blues and soul singers.  I am getting kind of attached to the vynls though I told a friend she could take her pick.
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index c0bf997..d8eb72f 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,5 +1,6 @@
+October 19, 2019
 
-
+I purchased all the records in one of the houses across the street, which has one more day of estate sale today, for 20 dollars.  I always used to think women folk musicians was my genre of choice, but I think exposure might be the reason I chose that for me.  Now I am learning about Aretha Franklin, Billy Holiday, The Belles, Ray Charles, Ella Fitzgerald, Dinah Washington, Michael Jackson, Bobby Bland, and Dianne Warick, to just name a few.  I love being able to listen to these blues and soul singers.  I am getting kind of attached to the vynls though I told a friend she could take her pick.
 
 
 October 9, 2019

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 1e0b4b8..c0bf997 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,40 +1,3 @@
-October 10, 2019
-
-Distracted by Acquaintances
-
-Earlier today I asked an acquaintance if I had been rude to him and he said yes.  The time he said I was rude to him was when I was mentally out of control due to my schizoaffective disorder, which I try very hard to keep in line, and which has not manifested this same way for 16 years.
-
-I am so emotionally tired.  I am trying to hard to do what is right but I can’t even seem to know what is right today.  I could go to sleep but I worry something might get lost in the period between this moment and waking.  I almost came to a self discovery today.  I feel I was inches before realizing an important part about myself when I just needed the right question and then to find in myself the right answer.  So I asked some friends and family but no one could give me space or ask the right question I needed to hear.  I know that my heart knows the answer to a question that needs to be asked.  And I know that being asked this question is imperative to my life.  So I am going to venture to formulate my own question.  
-
-Do I think I should change myself today?
-
-When I called friends about the conflict I had today and the thoughts it conjured in me, one good friend said I should not try too hard, that my recent hospitalization due to mental illness was not because I did something wrong, but because of the illness, and that I should not be concerned about what I might have done at the YMCA the day before, because in the grand scheme of things it was not horrible and I could not help it.  
-
-But that is the answer I always tell myself, the answer my good friend gave.  I try to be kind to myself and that has always been to say it is not my fault when I have a mental breakdown if I was rude to someone.
-
-So I went home and I wrote the following indented paragraphs:  
-
->There are reasons to disregard politeness.  When I was 18 I worked as a colleague with my father and I found his mannerisms impolite at times with the guests in the Quaker center where we both worked.  Sometimes he responded to them in a scolding way if they came in after prearranged hours and my father could get very haughty in those moments.  But it was not just conflicts that struck me as impolite.  In fact there came a point when I think it was everything I noticed about him and it began to bother me.  I don’t remember how it came up, but I asked him why he was so impolite.  Then we sorted through exactly what I meant, that his impoliteness did not just offend me when others had done something wrong, but that there were these expressions of disregard for manners that he made that seemed way more abrasive than anything anyone else in DC seemed to be saying. Then for a minute, he got deep and contemplative and the conversation changed, and my father looked at me, and he said the following:  
-
->“Do you like what they are doing?”  
-
->My father is a man who in his career was as blue collar, hard working, and successful as anyone can hope to be.  My father was his own person in his career and he still is.  He didn’t butter up to the ways that be, he got where he got through hard work and perseverance.    He is not going to quit doing what he believes in because of anybody else.  
-
->There was no one else in the room at the time, so his “they” carried a larger meaning, and I thought for a hard time about what exactly I believed, whether others were any better, and by the end of the time there thinking, I had made an inner decision to be more like my father and less like everyone else, and that is how it has been for a very long time.  
-
->I do not like the mannerisms of politeness.  I do not like the implied hierarchical structures that humans adopt in their day to day interactions.  I do not think it aspires any more towards kindness and justice than my or my father’s way. 
-
->It is easier to be polite if you learned how and the ways people learn to be polite are often just for people with more status or money.  So I decided to rebel against that.  I started disregarding the rules of society in a small way.  I did not have to be polite, though there were parts of it, saying thanks and please that were so ingrained in me socially that I never have even gotten that far.  But at times I have definitely allowed myself to disregard politeness.  
-
->Recently it occurred to me that I might do this to a point beyond what I should.  I never mean to harm or hurt others.  So this is a moment in which I am just shining awareness on this subject without deciding either way to change or stay the same.  Just to notice.  
-
->Trying to have more compassion shouldn’t hurt.
-
-I was rude and a part of me wonders if I could train myself to not be rude, could I train myself to not have mental illness.  That would be the ultimate reason to change myself but I believe it is a horrible thought because it is impossible to behave your way out of schizoaffective disorder.  I am not a shallow person and ideas of public reputation seem less necessary to me than kindness.  But this was not a conversation about kindness, it was about rudeness.  
-
-I am way more tired now.  I think I should sleep.  :(
- 
-
 
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 218ab7c..1e0b4b8 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,44 @@
+October 10, 2019
+
+Distracted by Acquaintances
+
+Earlier today I asked an acquaintance if I had been rude to him and he said yes.  The time he said I was rude to him was when I was mentally out of control due to my schizoaffective disorder, which I try very hard to keep in line, and which has not manifested this same way for 16 years.
+
+I am so emotionally tired.  I am trying to hard to do what is right but I can’t even seem to know what is right today.  I could go to sleep but I worry something might get lost in the period between this moment and waking.  I almost came to a self discovery today.  I feel I was inches before realizing an important part about myself when I just needed the right question and then to find in myself the right answer.  So I asked some friends and family but no one could give me space or ask the right question I needed to hear.  I know that my heart knows the answer to a question that needs to be asked.  And I know that being asked this question is imperative to my life.  So I am going to venture to formulate my own question.  
+
+Do I think I should change myself today?
+
+When I called friends about the conflict I had today and the thoughts it conjured in me, one good friend said I should not try too hard, that my recent hospitalization due to mental illness was not because I did something wrong, but because of the illness, and that I should not be concerned about what I might have done at the YMCA the day before, because in the grand scheme of things it was not horrible and I could not help it.  
+
+But that is the answer I always tell myself, the answer my good friend gave.  I try to be kind to myself and that has always been to say it is not my fault when I have a mental breakdown if I was rude to someone.
+
+So I went home and I wrote the following indented paragraphs:  
+
+>There are reasons to disregard politeness.  When I was 18 I worked as a colleague with my father and I found his mannerisms impolite at times with the guests in the Quaker center where we both worked.  Sometimes he responded to them in a scolding way if they came in after prearranged hours and my father could get very haughty in those moments.  But it was not just conflicts that struck me as impolite.  In fact there came a point when I think it was everything I noticed about him and it began to bother me.  I don’t remember how it came up, but I asked him why he was so impolite.  Then we sorted through exactly what I meant, that his impoliteness did not just offend me when others had done something wrong, but that there were these expressions of disregard for manners that he made that seemed way more abrasive than anything anyone else in DC seemed to be saying. Then for a minute, he got deep and contemplative and the conversation changed, and my father looked at me, and he said the following:  
+
+>“Do you like what they are doing?”  
+
+>My father is a man who in his career was as blue collar, hard working, and successful as anyone can hope to be.  My father was his own person in his career and he still is.  He didn’t butter up to the ways that be, he got where he got through hard work and perseverance.    He is not going to quit doing what he believes in because of anybody else.  
+
+>There was no one else in the room at the time, so his “they” carried a larger meaning, and I thought for a hard time about what exactly I believed, whether others were any better, and by the end of the time there thinking, I had made an inner decision to be more like my father and less like everyone else, and that is how it has been for a very long time.  
+
+>I do not like the mannerisms of politeness.  I do not like the implied hierarchical structures that humans adopt in their day to day interactions.  I do not think it aspires any more towards kindness and justice than my or my father’s way. 
+
+>It is easier to be polite if you learned how and the ways people learn to be polite are often just for people with more status or money.  So I decided to rebel against that.  I started disregarding the rules of society in a small way.  I did not have to be polite, though there were parts of it, saying thanks and please that were so ingrained in me socially that I never have even gotten that far.  But at times I have definitely allowed myself to disregard politeness.  
+
+>Recently it occurred to me that I might do this to a point beyond what I should.  I never mean to harm or hurt others.  So this is a moment in which I am just shining awareness on this subject without deciding either way to change or stay the same.  Just to notice.  
+
+>Trying to have more compassion shouldn’t hurt.
+
+I was rude and a part of me wonders if I could train myself to not be rude, could I train myself to not have mental illness.  That would be the ultimate reason to change myself but I believe it is a horrible thought because it is impossible to behave your way out of schizoaffective disorder.  I am not a shallow person and ideas of public reputation seem less necessary to me than kindness.  But this was not a conversation about kindness, it was about rudeness.  
+
+I am way more tired now.  I think I should sleep.  :(
+ 
+
+
+
+
+
 October 9, 2019
 
 Is beauty itself purpose?  Or is it just the name of some blog, a little too wordy, at that?  Does that question itself depend on perspective?  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 494f031..218ab7c 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,16 @@
+October 9, 2019
+
+Is beauty itself purpose?  Or is it just the name of some blog, a little too wordy, at that?  Does that question itself depend on perspective?  
+
+I am writing a lot in another place about art and beauty.  Maybe one day you will see it.  
+
+Until then, let me reflect.  I have been very happy about a nonprofit, and that I am once again ready to involve myself with it.  I have been very happy with Dorian Gray, and have just about read the first fifth, as of today.  I have felt good, and I am so glad.  I am swimming and I watch my swifts every evening still, as they haven't migrated all gone yet.
+
+Thanks for checking my blog.  
+
+
+
+
 October 7, 2019
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 8133c11..494f031 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,8 +3,8 @@ October 7, 2019
 
 
 
-[[!img FredLincolnpressrelease-page-001.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
-[[!img FredLincolnpressrelease-page-002.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+[[!img FredLincolnpressrelease-page-001.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
+[[!img FredLincolnpressrelease-page-002.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
 
 [[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
 [[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 4a59924..8133c11 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,6 +3,9 @@ October 7, 2019
 
 
 
+[[!img FredLincolnpressrelease-page-001.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+[[!img FredLincolnpressrelease-page-002.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+
 [[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
 [[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
 
@@ -111,3 +114,4 @@ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE
 
 [[!img picsart_09-06-05-28-31.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 
+

attachment upload
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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,8 +3,8 @@ October 7, 2019
 
 
 
-[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
 
 
 Beautiful is the swift migration.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index b7ecfc2..6bd87db 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,8 +3,8 @@ October 7, 2019
 
 
 
-[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="40x" alt=""]]
-[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="30x" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 
 
 Beautiful is the swift migration.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 395411f..b7ecfc2 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,8 +3,8 @@ October 7, 2019
 
 
 
-[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
-[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="40x" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="30x" alt=""]]
 
 
 Beautiful is the swift migration.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 7834380..395411f 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,5 +1,12 @@
 October 7, 2019
 
+
+
+
+[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+
+
 Beautiful is the swift migration.
 
 (I never could figure out if every swift in the world passes through this chimney, or at least the ones in this corridor, or if it is just one single flock that leaves.  If it is just a single flock, how do they fly South?  I mean where do they sleep the nights it takes?  I am so confused!  :)
@@ -103,3 +110,4 @@ So in the name of Claire Wineland, I am declaring this moment a life changing pe
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE
 
 [[!img picsart_09-06-05-28-31.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+

attachment upload
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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index e0f4a90..7834380 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,28 @@
+October 7, 2019
+
+Beautiful is the swift migration.
+
+(I never could figure out if every swift in the world passes through this chimney, or at least the ones in this corridor, or if it is just one single flock that leaves.  If it is just a single flock, how do they fly South?  I mean where do they sleep the nights it takes?  I am so confused!  :)
+
+Do you know of the lives of migrating swifts,
+
+that seem to know
+
+all of them
+
+exactly the path to the tropical rainforests
+
+that only dwell in chimneys
+
+since hollow trees are gone
+
+that cling to the inside on bricks
+
+related to hummingbirds
+
+constantly moving?
+
+
 October 6, 2019
 
 A friend wrote me her response to my questions that I have been asking about beauty.  The following are her words.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 822094c..e0f4a90 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,9 +2,9 @@ October 6, 2019
 
 A friend wrote me her response to my questions that I have been asking about beauty.  The following are her words.
 
-I would agree that when we perceive something to be beautiful it does expand our experience. 
+"I would agree that when we perceive something to be beautiful it does expand our experience."
 
-You are expressing a much more Zen view of beauty than I have. For me nature is not always beautiful, and neither is loss of life (as a natural event). Nature is wasteful, contrary to popular belief. It engages in experiments which don't always succeed. The purpose then must be to keep experimenting because this is the way of survival and improvement (Darwin). So how do we know when our experiments are going to succeed? We don't. Some would say we create the illusion of purpose to overcome the obvious lack of it in the world. Those moments of beauty reinforce that illusion, that belief. But you may be right, that beauty is incomplete, as in the case of resilience. With resilience there has been damage and reconstruction. It's a process. The experimentation is done with purpose.
+"You are expressing a much more Zen view of beauty than I have. For me nature is not always beautiful, and neither is loss of life (as a natural event). Nature is wasteful, contrary to popular belief. It engages in experiments which don't always succeed. The purpose then must be to keep experimenting because this is the way of survival and improvement (Darwin). So how do we know when our experiments are going to succeed? We don't. Some would say we create the illusion of purpose to overcome the obvious lack of it in the world. Those moments of beauty reinforce that illusion, that belief. But you may be right, that beauty is incomplete, as in the case of resilience. With resilience there has been damage and reconstruction. It's a process. The experimentation is done with purpose."
 
 Just some late night thoughts.
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 8ef703e..822094c 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,13 @@
+October 6, 2019
+
+A friend wrote me her response to my questions that I have been asking about beauty.  The following are her words.
+
+I would agree that when we perceive something to be beautiful it does expand our experience. 
+
+You are expressing a much more Zen view of beauty than I have. For me nature is not always beautiful, and neither is loss of life (as a natural event). Nature is wasteful, contrary to popular belief. It engages in experiments which don't always succeed. The purpose then must be to keep experimenting because this is the way of survival and improvement (Darwin). So how do we know when our experiments are going to succeed? We don't. Some would say we create the illusion of purpose to overcome the obvious lack of it in the world. Those moments of beauty reinforce that illusion, that belief. But you may be right, that beauty is incomplete, as in the case of resilience. With resilience there has been damage and reconstruction. It's a process. The experimentation is done with purpose.
+
+Just some late night thoughts.
+
 October 5, 2019
 
 A male family member had an entirely different set of answers to my questions.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index d12c4f5..8ef703e 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,20 @@
+October 5, 2019
+
+A male family member had an entirely different set of answers to my questions.  
+
+He said that beauty is a subjective thing, no scientific meaning whatsoever.  In his own experience, he experiences beauty every day.  Everything around the house outdoor holds beauty.  One final hen.  Tomato plants.  "We have some dead tree parts here we use as art."  An old rotten tree here has a unique shape.  
+
+When asked if dying can be beautiful, he said he doesn't know if human death can be beautiful.  Maybe if he removed himself from it.  He just read a book about Alzheimer's and people dying that said it could be beautiful, but personally he hasn't got there yet.  He imagines he'd consider his last thoughts beautiful because they were his last thoughts.  
+
+Regarding beauty itself as purpose, he said it is not in his understanding of purpose which is a conscious individual deciding it is important enough to do.  He said there is a difference between an act being purposeful versus having purpose.  What exists may have purpose, he said, a red shoulder's hawk catching a sparrow, but it's a question of perspective.  
+
+
+---
+
+Maggie here again, I think people get too carried into the first idea many have about beauty, that it is in the eyes of the beholder.  When many people think about beauty, all they think is about perspective ruling it, they rarely branch out to think deeply about their own perspective of beauty, or that maybe there are beauties larger than single beholders.  
+
+I was glad for this interview, and very glad for his first paragraph.  It also was interesting for me to realizing how many people think of beauty as confined by perspective.  This helps me understand others better because my idea of beauty rarely even considers the beholder anymore.  I'm in so deep.
+
 October 4, 2019
 
 The expression "beauty itself is purpose" was first used by me in a poem.  I wrote about beauty I found while living in a small suburb in Kentucky.  But when I talk about beauty as purpose long enough, it becomes necessary to define beauty.  Much of my conception of beauty is adapted from Leonard Koren's book on the Japanese word, wabi sabi, imperfect, impermanent, or incomplete beauty.  I don't think Glamour Magazines display much beauty.  I agree with veering from a conventional or popular understanding of beauty.  Though my beliefs on beauty are maybe a little expanded beyond wabi sabi.  So imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete beauty is something that I consider to be purposeful.  In my mind, I include decaying plant life, in my list of what is beautiful.  Nature is beautiful.  Art is beautiful.  Human resilience is beautiful.  So in my eyes, pain that brings growth could also be classified as beautiful.  Even loss of life can be beautiful, because we are not immortal beings, and it is a natural course of events for us to die.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 26bc0ac..d12c4f5 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,6 +2,14 @@ October 4, 2019
 
 The expression "beauty itself is purpose" was first used by me in a poem.  I wrote about beauty I found while living in a small suburb in Kentucky.  But when I talk about beauty as purpose long enough, it becomes necessary to define beauty.  Much of my conception of beauty is adapted from Leonard Koren's book on the Japanese word, wabi sabi, imperfect, impermanent, or incomplete beauty.  I don't think Glamour Magazines display much beauty.  I agree with veering from a conventional or popular understanding of beauty.  Though my beliefs on beauty are maybe a little expanded beyond wabi sabi.  So imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete beauty is something that I consider to be purposeful.  In my mind, I include decaying plant life, in my list of what is beautiful.  Nature is beautiful.  Art is beautiful.  Human resilience is beautiful.  So in my eyes, pain that brings growth could also be classified as beautiful.  Even loss of life can be beautiful, because we are not immortal beings, and it is a natural course of events for us to die.  
 
+I am interested in what others think about beauty, so I interviewed a family member asking her what is beauty and whether or not she thinks beauty itself is purpose.  I am letter her stay anonymous.  These were her thoughts:
+
+"In the spectrum of good and bad, beauty is good.  Painful or scary things can't be beautiful.  Beauty touches emotions.  We can take some things or leave them.  But when we see beauty, we react emotionally.  We cry, we are comforted or ecstatic.  It expands our experience.  Not just as a thrill.  We are part of the beauty when we realize it is beautiful.  Beauty is a state of being.  Not just seeing things but hearing music and other senses.  People are beautiful.  Personalities are.  Bernie Sanders and Andrew Yang have beautiful personalities.  Some people don't have beautiful personalities.  Emotions are beautiful.  Physical and sexual love.  These things are also impermanent.  They don't last.  Beauty doesn't last.  Is beauty itself purpose?  Purpose itself is beautiful."
+
+I disagree with her on some of these.  And will write more about that later.  Many of these insights are brilliant and worth expanding.  
+
+
+
 
 October 3, 2019
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 6492540..26bc0ac 100644
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+October 4, 2019
+
+The expression "beauty itself is purpose" was first used by me in a poem.  I wrote about beauty I found while living in a small suburb in Kentucky.  But when I talk about beauty as purpose long enough, it becomes necessary to define beauty.  Much of my conception of beauty is adapted from Leonard Koren's book on the Japanese word, wabi sabi, imperfect, impermanent, or incomplete beauty.  I don't think Glamour Magazines display much beauty.  I agree with veering from a conventional or popular understanding of beauty.  Though my beliefs on beauty are maybe a little expanded beyond wabi sabi.  So imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete beauty is something that I consider to be purposeful.  In my mind, I include decaying plant life, in my list of what is beautiful.  Nature is beautiful.  Art is beautiful.  Human resilience is beautiful.  So in my eyes, pain that brings growth could also be classified as beautiful.  Even loss of life can be beautiful, because we are not immortal beings, and it is a natural course of events for us to die.  
+
+
 October 3, 2019
 
 Claire speaks of sick and dying people as not to be pitied.  As a mentally ill person, recently sick enough to be hospitalized, and having to struggle a lot with Social Security about my disability, I am trying hard not to be a victim, but to identify as something else.  Poet.  Artist.  Girl who swims.  Vlogger?  Anything so my personal philosophy is not that of victim-hood.  I need _to believe_ a different personal narrative.  It's difficult because of how much my life is weighed down by disability and mental illness.  Abilities and wellness also exist in me.  How to believe in abilities and wellness?  Used to be an idealist, but somehow burned out and self pity grew.

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+October 3, 2019
+
+Claire speaks of sick and dying people as not to be pitied.  As a mentally ill person, recently sick enough to be hospitalized, and having to struggle a lot with Social Security about my disability, I am trying hard not to be a victim, but to identify as something else.  Poet.  Artist.  Girl who swims.  Vlogger?  Anything so my personal philosophy is not that of victim-hood.  I need _to believe_ a different personal narrative.  It's difficult because of how much my life is weighed down by disability and mental illness.  Abilities and wellness also exist in me.  How to believe in abilities and wellness?  Used to be an idealist, but somehow burned out and self pity grew.
+
+Even psychosis is not all bad.  It is a unique way of envisioning.  Shamanic.  I need affirmations to use that I truly believe in, that feel real.  I am creative.  I am strong.  I am intelligent.  Things happen that hurt or generally don't feel good.    Hospitalization again after 16 years.  Medicare and social security making mistakes that leave me in trouble.  Human interactions have old patterns.  
+
+My motto:  "Beauty Itself is Purpose" asks for a definition of beauty.  Wabi sabi beauty is what I have in mind.  A Japanese term for unique, changing, (decaying), or rough edged beauty.  Think old leaves or bark falling off a tree.
+
+Beauty itself is purpose applies to my life of not feeling self pity upon loss.  There is always a silver lining.
 
 
 September 18, 2019

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-September 22, 2019
-
-Last day of summer.  
-
-I have started vlogging about the purpose of life and how it is different for someone with a chronic life threatening illness from someone who knows they will live.  In case you didn't know (Mom) a vlog is a video blog I think at least.  
-
-Find mine at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTYVsHmFhdqJQFHXk0VneHw  or just type Maggie Hess in youtube.  
-
 
 
 September 18, 2019

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+September 22, 2019
+
+Last day of summer.  
+
+I have started vlogging about the purpose of life and how it is different for someone with a chronic life threatening illness from someone who knows they will live.  In case you didn't know (Mom) a vlog is a video blog I think at least.  
+
+Find mine at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTYVsHmFhdqJQFHXk0VneHw  or just type Maggie Hess in youtube.  
+
+
+
+September 18, 2019
+
+
 Just watched Claire, the Youtube Original Documentary, about Claire Wineland, a young woman who had a youtube channel, and cystic fibrosis, an activist up until her death at 21, someone who believed sick people do not need to be pittied, and that being sick does not decrease a person's quality of life because that quality is decided by what makes out your experience as a human being.  Seeing the real struggles Claire went through, with 35 surgeries and a large portion of her life either doing basic things to stay alive or in the hospital, yet her incredible attitude and humor was what inspires me.  Her perspective and way of talking really had the angle of wisdom beyond the years any of us usually achieve.  There was something so remarkable about her.
 
 I watched the documentary thinking, what can I do, as someone who also struggles with an illness, and a mental illness should be no harder to be pleasant through or to have a reason and purpose in life.  I watched this little tiny child cracking jokes while breathing with a respirator and taking oxygen the whole documentary, and all the times she had to cough, and each time, she'd crack a joke, which surely took energy and surely was not easy, since she was coughing and it can be hard to talk.  Seeing Claire live these moments embracing life, empowering millions, but more importantly having the intellect to understand herself and know how to see the good through a tough circumstance.  

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+Just watched Claire, the Youtube Original Documentary, about Claire Wineland, a young woman who had a youtube channel, and cystic fibrosis, an activist up until her death at 21, someone who believed sick people do not need to be pittied, and that being sick does not decrease a person's quality of life because that quality is decided by what makes out your experience as a human being.  Seeing the real struggles Claire went through, with 35 surgeries and a large portion of her life either doing basic things to stay alive or in the hospital, yet her incredible attitude and humor was what inspires me.  Her perspective and way of talking really had the angle of wisdom beyond the years any of us usually achieve.  There was something so remarkable about her.
+
+I watched the documentary thinking, what can I do, as someone who also struggles with an illness, and a mental illness should be no harder to be pleasant through or to have a reason and purpose in life.  I watched this little tiny child cracking jokes while breathing with a respirator and taking oxygen the whole documentary, and all the times she had to cough, and each time, she'd crack a joke, which surely took energy and surely was not easy, since she was coughing and it can be hard to talk.  Seeing Claire live these moments embracing life, empowering millions, but more importantly having the intellect to understand herself and know how to see the good through a tough circumstance.  
+
+There also was this thing about Claire, that she said that it was having had the illness that caused her to have such a good life.  I feel that is true about me with my mental illness too.  It is a hard idea maybe to wrap a person's head around fully.  In fact, much of my life narrative has been an attempt of finding good in bad, maybe, but when I go and try to explain the bad I get lost in details.  So I am setting a new goal.  I am striving to see the positive.  And if I have to keep my goal simple that is what it is.  I want to find a way to laugh through my illness whether I am laughing in spite of it or because of it.  
+
+But the secondary more complicated thing about my new goal is I want to dive as deep I can into embracing living, finding enjoyment where I am, and to really learn a different way of walking, maybe that involves occasional happy dancing, singing, or play.  
+
+This past month since being hospitalized for mental illness again after such success I fell inside a shell of fear of mania.  I told myself my depressed period was better than what had hospitalized me, mania.  But the truth is people don't get to chose mania, and I can crawl out of my bed when I am depressed and do more outside and be happier.  Maybe not everyone can combat depression with action, but it is not the main part of my illness I am worried about.  
+
+So in the name of Claire Wineland, I am declaring this moment a life changing period.  I am embracing life and making something good of what all I have.
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+https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE
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