Recent changes to this wiki:

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+January 10, 2020
+
+Life is beautiful.  Life is so so beautiful.  So grateful for a poem Daddy sent me by Linda Pastan and an infinite heart carved out of wood so long ago I may have lost to the world, but the love will always be there for me.  
+
 January 2, 2020
 
 The classic bipolar person has overwhelming feelings and the classic schizophrenic person has overwhelming thoughts.  Schizoaffective disorder is classic as a condition that makes people confuse feelings with thoughts.  

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+January 2, 2020
+
+The classic bipolar person has overwhelming feelings and the classic schizophrenic person has overwhelming thoughts.  Schizoaffective disorder is classic as a condition that makes people confuse feelings with thoughts.  
+
+So, years ago, a friend of mine dared me to listen to Evangelical type Praise music on the radio and not enjoy it.  I was in my big period of war against organized religion.  So I took her up on it and oddly have been listening to Praise music in the car every chance I can steal.  
+
+Lately I put on a lot more, before I re-encountered an old friend and coworker who inspired my heart to actually care about the bible as a poem.  I listen to the praise music largely because of the way it makes me feel.  I could argue technicalities of my beliefs versus what others believe or what I think I am supposed to believe in my family versus other people's ideology.  But darn it, I wanted to love the bible for my friend.  So I decided to read it as something I can't help to love, a poem.  When I listen to the praise music, or cry in Mom's church, or enjoy grateful feelings of the Holy Spirit in Quaker Meeting, it is all emotion.  The emotion for me becomes more important than any logical thought.  
+
+It doesn't matter if it is fact or mythology or a combination or both at the same time.  I know in my heart it is true because I trust my friend.  Because he reminded me I have this thing inside myself which loves so much to be in Mom's church or Quaker Meeting and now, bible study with my friend.  I love it.  It just feels good to trust something like that.  In fact if something about it seems illogical, the simultaneous concert of hope I feel when I pray and praise seems more important to me than my own father or brother's possible annoyance that I am such a darned Christian and why?  
+ 
+
+
+Plant your dream
+
+deep.  
+
+Much deeper than conventional 
+
+planting.  
+
+A dream should be 
+
+all but forgotten
+
+when the right question 
+
+disrupts its seed
+
+just enough and 
+
+in the exact way necessary
+
+to remind the dreamer 
+
+she ever put it there.  
+
+
+Some questions may come
+
+in abrasively or 
+
+strangely, especially if pure.
+
+A question maybe
+
+almost a disguised plea
+
+to be quiet please 
+
+for one more hour
+
+or so.
+
+Or to journal (instead of talking)
+
+Which somehow always 
+
+leads the dreamer magically 
+
+to the exact right place
+
+and time.
+
+
 December 31, 2019
 
 What is a Letter?

calendar update
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+[[!calendar type=year year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
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+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=01 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(01) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
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+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=02 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(02) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/03.mdwn b/archives/2020/03.mdwn
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+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=03 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(03) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
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+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=04 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(04) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
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+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=05 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(05) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
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+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=06 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(06) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
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+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=07 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(07) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/08.mdwn b/archives/2020/08.mdwn
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+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=08 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(08) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/09.mdwn b/archives/2020/09.mdwn
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+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=09 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(09) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
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+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=10 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(10) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
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+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=11 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(11) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
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+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=12 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(12) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]

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+December 31, 2019
+
+What is a Letter?
+
+a poem by Maggie Hess
+
+A letter is a wish, if just to remain hopeful,
+
+sometimes we cast out these questions to the Universe
+
+from the bottom of a pit of despair
+
+thinking we have reached the top of that month's feelings,
+
+forgetting that our phases 
+
+sometimes can obscure
+
+the longer term promises we make ourselves.
+
+Then some Costa Rican Granma hears our dark moment.  
+
+She knows perspective, if anyone does.  
+
+Being able to write a letter and really mean it
+
+means somehow there is a person, a sibling, a mentor, a friend,
+
+somewhere in the world there is a set of reading eyes.
+
+Then when it all circles back
+
+and the world is your oyster again
+
+and it is a better month
+
+and you are updating Lucky with new hope,
+
+let someone else know
+
+you are there for them,
+
+always open to getting letters!  
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
 December 21, 2019
 
 

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+December 21, 2019
+
+
+hip grannies for peace
+
+[[!img hip_granies.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+happy solstice to all!
+
+[[!img friends_for_life.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+
+
 December 20, 2019
 
 My disability got approved without me needing to go to court.  

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+December 20, 2019
+
+My disability got approved without me needing to go to court.  
+
+In other witness, I am now reading the bible as a poem and loving it!!
+
+River's Way Sightings
+
+Saw Greg yesterday near the weight room.  
+
+Today, did water Aerobics.
+
+Talked with Thom Hanlon about reading the bible like a poem.  _Never_ had done that before!  Very smart.  Everything makes better sense when I talk with Tom.  It is fail safe.  I hope he has a restful holiday season.  He is maybe the most compassionate person I know.  I really need that.  And it helps to have someone as tuned into my reality and perceptive as he is.  I call him my mentor but he seems of unsure of what I mean by the word.   
+
+Oh, Johnny was at the water aerobics time playing in the rest of the water.  I never had seen him in the water since the start of my River's Way involvement and it was interesting to notice him in that good small pool we both love.  
+
+Happy Winter! 
+
 December 19, 2019
 
 Trying to turn the phone off this week.  No need for treatment yet for sleep apnea.  Might heal it with exercise too.  Doctor is the best one I've known.  Supremely optimistic.  

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+December 19, 2019
+
+Trying to turn the phone off this week.  No need for treatment yet for sleep apnea.  Might heal it with exercise too.  Doctor is the best one I've known.  Supremely optimistic.  
+
+
 December 18, 2019
 
 - declined first book deal.

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 December 18, 2019
 
 - declined first book deal.
--made 3 friends.  
+- made 3 friends.  
 
 
 

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+December 18, 2019
+
+- declined first book deal.
+-made 3 friends.  
+
+
+
+--
+
+I'm Mugword on instagram btw.  
+
 December 17, 2019
 
 Happy early Winter Solstice from the Hesses!

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+December 17, 2019
+
+Happy early Winter Solstice from the Hesses!
+
+[[!img eyes_connect_Mom_maggie.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img not_posing_maggie_joey.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img selfie_maggie_Mom.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+
 December 16, 2019
 
 I tried to quit starting jobs, and I guess I succeeded, but one last time, I started by applying to another job, at a day center for mentally ill people working as peer supporter.  I think they were going to accept me for the position, when I realized the job would deplete what I need to take care of myself and keep myself sane.  So I called and said, sorry, I can't do it working for you after all.
@@ -442,3 +451,5 @@ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE
 
 
 
+
+

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 [[!img modified.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img sunny_landscape.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img abstract.JPG align="right" size="" alt="400x"]]
+[[!img abstract.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img sprinke_heart.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img rainy_puddle.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img dog_cat_butterfly.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]

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+December 16, 2019
+
+I tried to quit starting jobs, and I guess I succeeded, but one last time, I started by applying to another job, at a day center for mentally ill people working as peer supporter.  I think they were going to accept me for the position, when I realized the job would deplete what I need to take care of myself and keep myself sane.  So I called and said, sorry, I can't do it working for you after all.
+
+Now it has been a long time since Thanksgiving, or whenever I last wrote here.  Listen as I explain what has happened!  I will be updating from various things I have written, copying them in here.  
+
+But first let's start with a new painting or two for the season.  
+
+
+[[!img the_angel_gabriel.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img rendition_of_bethlyham.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img a_draft_of_fishes.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+It is genuinely too bad I haven't updated for so long!
+
+PART ONE  
+
+UNIVERSAL APOLOGY
+
+All I knew how to do until now was apologize, which never is enough without a better explanation, at least something heartfelt that goes deeper.  Why am I spending so much time and energy focusing on you or our relationship?  Because you are very important to me whether you want to be the focus of attention or not.  But there is another reason you might like to hear more.  I have been severely bitter and angry at everyone.  It doesn't come across all the time like anger, but my level of anger at everyone has been getting worse and worse, to the point that I didn't want to go out at all for Thanksgiving, to the point that I couldn't reach out to anyone, to the point that I wasn't sure why I am alive.  I was having trouble digging to the bottom of the root of this anger all by myself or even in therapy, even writing in my journal.  I couldn't figure out where it started.  You can imagine a children's picture of a giant root and me with a rake pulling it so hard I fell back.  That has been me, either that or tangled up by the root, by the anger, thrashing whomever I thought of or whomever got in my way.  Or just making a silent vow never to talk to so many other people again.  
+
+Then today, I went to see Won't You be my Neighbor, which is a new movie out about Mr Rogers with Tom Hanks playing our hero, who is interviewed by a journalist who initially would prefer write a take down piece.  The journalist is very angry at his father and Mr. Rogers teaches him about forgiveness in a very nice way.  So while I was watching this occur on the screen I was thinking my own thoughts about who is it I am angry at and I didn't name a single name, because the truth came to me, I have been very angry at myself.  I guess you could put a name on it "mental illness" because I am angry at the mental illness in a way, but more succinctly for me, I have been angry at how people respond to me because of the illness, or the fact that people have to take care of me, or treat me differently, or don't come to see me when I am hospitalized, or the fact that someone came to the hospital and brought her own baggage because she couldn't really take care of me, or the fact that it has led to my weight gain, and how obese mentally ill people live an average of 25 fewer years because of heart disease and how my red blood count is high right now.  
+
+The reason I am angry or rather that I have until now had way too much residual anger boiling under my skin is I am deeply discouraged by my mental illness.  It has come to a crux.  And sure lots of interpersonal arguments happened, but the thing is, my being angry at other people is entirely built upon anger I have at myself.  And to top that, it makes it a million times worse.
+
+Now in writing this my doctor calls and suggests I have sleep apnea and not heart disease, and it reminds me of where I am going with this writing, that I also am very grateful.  
+
+I am a person who believes in right and wrong, in injustice and justice, and it is why I get angry, but it could also be a reason to not be angry.  My Mom asked what are you going to do to be nice to yourself?  And I think the most important first step in my being nice to myself is to be nice to you and all the other people I have been bitter towards.  It is going to be hard patching it back together with all of these broken relationships, but I need all of them and hopefully they will also take Mr Rogers to heart and do what makes them less angry too, because that is the best thing for all of us to do for all of us and ultimately for ourselves.  
+
+
+PART TWO 
+
+A LONG WALK:  SOMETHING TO CHANGE MY MIND OVER
+
+I have been thinking for several days I want to plan a long northward segment hike on the AT starting around mid April or May on the TN VA line. I have this idea that I might want to hike shelter to shelter and not use a tent because it takes room and is weighty.  I know shelters can get crowded along there and might decided to leave earlier in April due to those questions.  I am conditioning to a point, and am losing some weight, which might help me out there.  If you want to come along for any or all of it, I know you share the dream.  I hadn't looked much into AT hiking until now, and probably won't make it to Maine, and am not even sure if I am trying, but want to go on a long walk.  If I do make it to Maine, I can do the southward trek later in my life and call myself one of the few who have walked the whole thing.  I just want to start walking and see where I land.  I have a backpack, sleeping bag, hiking shoes, and am hoping to prepare food for he walk.  I'll let you know if I chicken out, but I have been researching this for days.  :)
+
+
+Actually, I was having trouble thinking about whether to go northbound or southbound and there seem a lot of pros for southbound when starting in May in Virginia.  I am starting to think southbound towards Georgia wins.  Also, I could potentially walk from Damascus as my starting point, and leave after trail days May 17-19.  
+
+it is a shorter trek to Georgia
+it can be really full of other people who all walk along the same trail, either way, but they become a community and know eachother, which can have pros and cons both ways, but for the feeling of solitude, I might want to go south
+Pennsylvania has tons of long rocky segments that don't feel worth it, so I might want more experience before PA, and could go south this time, and North some other year.
+
+PART THREE
+
+THE JOY OF QUITTING
+
+I am processing what happened today.  I had thought it might be beneficial for me to mentor or peer counsel mentally ill people, for my own development and growth.  So amazingly, I found an opportunity where I could work with mentally ill people in a drop in day center in town.  My title would have been "peer counselor".  I went through the initial steps of employment, and they wanted me, but wanted to have me do various more steps, like sitting in prior to employment in the center to see how I got along with people.  I got along fine, and it was an uneventful day, mostly, except for what was occurring inside of me, a reassessment of things internal, an introspective moment that might shape my identity.  When I came home, I needed a long nap or 2 just to process all that needed thought through.
+
+I always kind of assumed that mentally ill people are like me.  A family friend of mine kind of annoyed me once when she said I am "Beautiful Mind" but she has a point.  On one dimension, I think I always used to think all mentally ill people at least have the capacity to be "Beautiful Mind" like me.  
+
+The center was very full in capacity.  I think everyone there is helped by being in the center, but I immediately upon coming home made a decision not to go work there to help the people more.  My life commitment seems to be to Poetry and Art and NOT directly to helping people though my poems and  art might help.  Being in the center helped me to clarify that.  One of the people in the center was an artist and seems blind also, but the rest of them do not seem as productive, were lower functioning, and probably are generally lower intelligence.  Maybe I had heard someone say that I am a sort of outlier, being Beautiful Mind-ish.  I just never took it in and thought it could be fact.  
+
+PART 4  
+
+WRITTEN ON NAMI DISCUSSION FORUM
+
+I want to say this delicately as possible, and to not seem ungrateful.  
+
+I have schizoaffective disorder and come to a place like this nami discussion forum to talk with other people with the diagnosis.  I am aware there are care givers (and burnt out care givers who might no longer be able to give care) in this forum.  My experience has always found challenge in dealing with other people's care givers, and sometimes my own.  There is a feeling of resentment, of people wishing their children/spouse/sibling had not ended up being one of those crazy people.  I have people in my life who go to al anon because of me, who I barely communicate with.  I also really am not the worst case of a schizoaffective person, of what one could me.  I don't do drugs, I don't do alchohol, I take my meds as prescribed, I am compliant, I am nonviolent.  I had to be hospitalized this year, but I did everything in my power to get back on track as soon as possible.  I used to start jobs a lot and then have to quit them, but I have learned from my pattern and have been working on not starting things, because it drains people.  If I was independent, I would be different, I would act differently, I would try more things, but I live with my 78 year old mother and I tune into her world.  I do what she would need, I often am care taking her.  I have trouble interacting with care givers, but I do well with my Mom for the most part.  I do not like the do-gooder-mentality as it oppresses me.  I find people complatining about their "loved" one with mental illness but they don't seem like they would be doing any better if they were in our shoes.  It is not our fault.  It is a medical condition.  It is not our desire to have these things happen, to experience psychosis, to have mania.  In another place I go online, I have been talking with some schizoaffective people like me.  They are scared to death that they will kill themselves.  They are terrified of the voices.  They don't want to keep cycling.  
+
+Maybe we don't say enough I am sorry for what my cycling is doing to you, loved one, care giver, burn out.  Maybe we say it too much.  I feel a supreme sense of injustice in terms of how care givers talk about mentally ill people.  
+
+This is how I would like to be spoken about:  Isn't she brave?  Isn't she brazen?  Wow how whe handles this illness.  Wow how she lives and lives and keeps trying no matter what seems to happen to her.  She is the most resilient person I know.  She is the one who is suffering here.  Though I, her caregiver suffer, no good comes from me whining about her where she can see it/ hear it/ breathe in my negativity.  If I say I love her for any reason, I need to focus on her bright side.  I need to focus on her resilience. I need to dig deeper and deeper into the subject of resilience.  For all of the talk I hear about "my daughter hears voices.  my spouse won't take his meds." would you take a minute for every bit of energy you are pushing out that is like that, would you say something good about your loved one, who is a loved one for a reason.
+
+It is like me.  I am an amazing artist, an amazing poet.  
+
+I am amazing.  There are dimensions to me which knock most normal people out of the park.  Sorry normal people.  
+
+I have tried and tried and tried.  I have tried harder and harder and more and more than anyone else out there who I know.  And I bet your "loved" one can say they have tried and tried to.
+
+SO HONOR THE PART OF THEM THAT IS BRILLIANT.  Honor the bit of them that is still brilliant mind.  Somehow.  They might be driving you crazy.  Yes.  But for just one minute, and I want you to make this a practice, say I treasure my loved one's brilliant mind today when you think the hard things, say it out loud or write it in your journal where only truth matters.  Say they are a treasure.  
+
+Water their roots, nourish them with that.  And I am just going to tell you a little secret.  They will grow differently.  They will grow stronger and prouder.  They will be strong and proud then. 
+
+PART 5  
+
+GROWTH
+
+Actually, someone had said it takes years to get this insight.  At the same moment, I also got a different comment in a private chat on 7 cups of tea, which is this place people can go online to listen or be listened to because listening can help.  I have been acting as a listener on there, kind of medicinally, lately especially, because I am growing my listening skills, and my abilities to cultivate empathy, and counsel others with mental illness.  
+
+So, I got this other compliment at the same moment on there, which was this person who has been needing an ear, who asked me how I do it as a listener, while having schizoaffective.  
+
+I wrote this response that I find relevant to this discussion of personal strength, resilience, and insight of schizoaffective folks:
+
+
+ "I am amazed because I didn't think about it but I never used to have great confidence in my listening skills, and I didn't think I was someone who had the capacity to be good at listening to others, because I suffered my own problems. But now I think I have learned to be a good listener in part because I am someone who has survived to suffer my own problems. Thank you for helping me realize that. I have been a listener for about 2 years I think, but didn't do it all the way through, and am now picking up a bit heavier as a listener."
+
+I have been chatting with people who are in the early throws of schizoaffective disorder, and I guess it is worth telling caregivers to, the difference in personal growth between then and now for someone who is high functioning and compliant with medical treatment protocol, like me, is drastic as night and day.
+
+19 years ago, when I was first being diagnosed with this illness, it was really bad.  I say really bad, but it doesn't describe that there were parts of my day when I sat around on the couch in a sort of trance of depression with lactating breasts (sorry graphic detail) from progesterone of early treatment gone awry, not talking to many other people, without a single person I could call a friend, relying on family who was scared to death that they never would find ample treatment for me, that the girl they knew in youth would never return and I was indeed changed overnight into someone they barely recognized.  Then in that same time to have times when I would be so hyped up with mania I went wandering, I donated all of my clothes to charity, I cut my own hair many times, I also was high achieving somehow, so it confused others.  I in that same time, still had this push to try try try at college, so I started and then had to quit school so many times it made me bleary.  (Twelve years in I did graduate to show how things changed and in what timeline.)
+
+Yes it went from real psychosis where I truly was afraid the squirrels were staring at me, where I thought I saw an animated giant caterpillar like in Alice in Wonderland, where I would wander around various times even at night while my loved ones cared after me, wriging their dear hands, and wondering if I would be killed or hurt.  Then after about 4 years of repeat hospitalization, and bizarre behavior, having at one time to be arrested, but thank goodness for caregivers and nice legal counsel and good doctors and staff, after 4 years the hospitalization ended.  Then I still was in the throw of moods so bad, so then with the high functioning, it was easy to misdiagnose me bipolar.  
+
+There was a lot of time of trying to understand self.  I went from wanting to hide my mental ill identity to today thinking I don't want to even be friends with people who can't dig the mental illness and understand the condition.  The next decade involved seeking after the degree to the point it exhausted my family some, and amazed them that I actually got the degree, and in other parts of life, I went from having graduated high school popular and full of relationships to falling off a metaphorical cliff of diagnosis.  Ok, so that was 17-21 in the hospitals, 21-31 and ongoing to 37 starting to have relationships of sort, I mean just friendships, but finally being able to trust others really helped my longterm psychosis and eventual lack of psychotic thinking.  What I mean is the psychosis, the thinking others talked bad about me, the worry of human relation, went from not trusting others to have a friend, to having this one friend about 23 or 24 who was so good that she offered her ear to me every night on the phone, just in kind listening, that I built the ability to trust others again, rebuilt I guess it was.  Then age 29 I think it was, I graduated college and that takes a ton of trust and relationship!  
+
+Not only that, but my listening skills, and so many other skills were building tremendously.  
+
+And reading this you might be like, but I thought you didn't recognize the help of caregivers.  No, I do recognize their help.  I wouldn't be who I am without caregivers.  That first real friend at age 23 was in a way a caregiver.  My family has always been there for me in some form or other, whether with reservation or often just amazingly supportively.  I can't ever say enough about the necessity of care givers.  In fact if I was to list the reason for my successes, it would be this list in pretty much this order:
+
+Keeps her head above water, doesn't do drugs or alchohol, gets enough sleep, has basic needs taken care of, takes her medication as prescribed, has adequate economic and legal needs met, believes the story of treatment in her own version and believes in the need for medication, Has Long Sustained Compassionate Loving Care Givers, and then I would keep listing on and on.
+
+So pretty high in my basic needs is love.  Hmm..  Maybe it should be higher?
+
+Anyway, who is reading and reacting to this?  
+
+Is it helping you at all to hear my story?
+
+What sorts of questions do you have for an articluate genius who also has a disabling mental illness?
+
+Am I saying things that rub you the wrong way?  (sorry I am trying to be outspoken and brazen which is my true nature, and I really don't want to be hurtful)
+
+I would love to share my true name here, since I have books on Amazon you can look into.  Not sure that is allowed?  Some other time I will research into the guidelines.  or maybe someone can say?
+
+Thank you for listening!  
+
+Thank you for believing in your loved ones.  
+
+May we all find gratitude and reasons for gratitude as a great gift to each moment.   
+
+
+PART 6
+
+and more upcoming soon!
+
+PS  Want more art?
+
+
+[[!img modified.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img sunny_landscape.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img abstract.JPG align="right" size="" alt="400x"]]
+[[!img sprinke_heart.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img rainy_puddle.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img dog_cat_butterfly.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img stainedglass.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
 November 21, 2019
 
 Vocation of Poet/Artist
@@ -303,3 +439,6 @@ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE
 [[!img picsart_09-06-05-28-31.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 
 
+
+
+

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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 0f1e11c..0d42afc 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,9 @@
+November 21, 2019
+
+Vocation of Poet/Artist
+
+I quit trying to start new jobs because I had quit 60 jobs, it seemed my success was unlikely, and all of trying had taken a heavy toll.  There still is the temptation to try to better my life with a job.  Socially it can feel fulfilling to work, and it seems I need more saved for my long term economic outlook.  But because I quit 60 jobs, and because I draw social security disability insurance, my life is going in a direction where work is neither necessary nor worth the attempt.  Fortunately I can sustain my existence on the limited income that social security supplies.  These truths make it possible for me to have much more free time, since I am not having to work.  My main new goal is to spend more time doing things that in the long run make me feel good about myself.  These activities include chores, dog walking, swimming, meditation, and various types of creative arts such as writing and visual art making.   Seeking after the art and not the cash reward is a gift and having the ability to be creative uplifts my soul and decreases the angst of not being able to work.  
+
 <P>November 12, 2019</P>
 
 Tankas and Mutants.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 9d1ee1f..0f1e11c 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
-<P>November 12, 2019
+<P>November 12, 2019</P>
 
 Tankas and Mutants.  
 
@@ -49,14 +49,14 @@ While silver maples
 
 glide slowly to ground, long gusts.
 
-Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
+<P>Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
 
 
 
 
  </P>
 
-<P>November 11, 2019
+<P>November 11, 2019</P>
 
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
@@ -67,7 +67,7 @@ I send the image to a birder friend.
 
 Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but different degrees of how close the bird is to the next bird.  Space can lift the wings."  
 
-She finds that interesting.  
+<P>She finds that interesting.  
 
  </P>
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 012200a..9d1ee1f 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
-November 12, 2019
+<P>November 12, 2019
 
 Tankas and Mutants.  
 
@@ -54,9 +54,9 @@ Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
 
 
 
-<P> </P>
+ </P>
 
-November 11, 2019
+<P>November 11, 2019
 
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
@@ -69,7 +69,7 @@ Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but di
 
 She finds that interesting.  
 
-<P> </P>
+ </P>
 
 
 November 1, 2019

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index fea33bb..012200a 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -54,6 +54,7 @@ Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
 
 
 
+<P> </P>
 
 November 11, 2019
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index a96b711..fea33bb 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -68,7 +68,7 @@ Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but di
 
 She finds that interesting.  
 
-<p> </p>
+<P> </P>
 
 
 November 1, 2019

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 52b63f8..a96b711 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -68,7 +68,7 @@ Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but di
 
 She finds that interesting.  
 
-
+<p> </p>
 
 
 November 1, 2019

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 43c4337..52b63f8 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,6 +3,7 @@ November 12, 2019
 Tankas and Mutants.  
 
 The first one here is a mutant tanka that I accidentally wrote in 57555.
+
 --
 
  Leaves from one tree fell

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 89b06f6..43c4337 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,6 +3,7 @@ November 12, 2019
 Tankas and Mutants.  
 
 The first one here is a mutant tanka that I accidentally wrote in 57555.
+--
 
  Leaves from one tree fell
 
@@ -14,11 +15,11 @@ What tells them it’s time?
 
 Eaten by their roots.
 
-
+--
 
 Then I figured out the correct count.
 
-
+--
 
 Nature elements -
 
@@ -31,13 +32,13 @@ Each one takes my breath away.
 Each opens me, calls my name.
 
 
-
+--
 
 
 
 And this one
 
-
+--
 
 Walking through a pile
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index e559e8b..89b06f6 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,5 +1,60 @@
 November 12, 2019
 
+Tankas and Mutants.  
+
+The first one here is a mutant tanka that I accidentally wrote in 57555.
+
+ Leaves from one tree fell
+
+to cover alley gravel
+
+while greens and browns stayed.
+
+What tells them it’s time?
+
+Eaten by their roots.
+
+
+
+Then I figured out the correct count.
+
+
+
+Nature elements -
+
+dove, leaf litter, clothes pin, hill.
+
+Decay, falling, steep.
+
+Each one takes my breath away.
+
+Each opens me, calls my name.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+And this one
+
+
+
+Walking through a pile
+
+burnt sienna, oaks cling tight.
+
+While silver maples
+
+glide slowly to ground, long gusts.
+
+Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
+
+
+
+
+
+November 11, 2019
+
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
 [[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index c327ca0..e559e8b 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,7 +2,7 @@ November 12, 2019
 
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
-[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size=100x"" alt=""]]
+[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 
 
 "I like this."  She says, then, "Different stages or aspects of flight, that show struggle and transcendence."

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index cdfc6cf..c327ca0 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,7 +2,7 @@ November 12, 2019
 
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
-[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size=400x"" alt=""]]
+[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size=100x"" alt=""]]
 
 
 "I like this."  She says, then, "Different stages or aspects of flight, that show struggle and transcendence."

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index f9f7486..cdfc6cf 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,7 +2,7 @@ November 12, 2019
 
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
-[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size=400x"" alt=""]]
 
 
 "I like this."  She says, then, "Different stages or aspects of flight, that show struggle and transcendence."

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index abb67a2..f9f7486 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,19 @@
+November 12, 2019
+
+I send the image to a birder friend.  
+
+[[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+
+
+"I like this."  She says, then, "Different stages or aspects of flight, that show struggle and transcendence."
+
+Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but different degrees of how close the bird is to the next bird.  Space can lift the wings."  
+
+She finds that interesting.  
+
+
+
+
 November 1, 2019
 
 Mental illness has been hard, but I think I am a better person on this side of recovery.   Does this mean that I am better because of the recovery in spite of or because of the mental illness?  Is mental illness all bad?  I don’t know about others who suffer from these illnesses, but I think it is hard to suffer mental illness and not be somehow more resilient.  Years of my life have truly been swallowed up by suffering, anxiety, depression, and blankness to name a few.  Maybe mental illness is all bad, actually.  But my mentality, despite ongoing trials, is experiencing overcoming now too.  For a long time, I remember only anguish being paired with my mental illness.  Those were times when I could not identify what was wrong, or wrong with me.  Those were the worst times.  Then there were times when I was scared to speak the words of diagnosis or symptom paired with my name.  In society, I feared a blemish on my name, that existed whether or not I told the truth already, yet I was so afraid to tell people.  Then there were times of suffering public but alone.  For some time I never had met an ally in the mental illness, someone who shared my affliction.  After the miracle of community, I still suffered a full decade of daily crises.  I still felt isolation, and to this day feel peerless.  I accomplished a dream, graduating college, only to find I may never be able to work full time.  Through all of the protagonist drama, I lost the support and compassion of a terrible collection of care givers.  

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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,16 @@
+November 1, 2019
+
+Mental illness has been hard, but I think I am a better person on this side of recovery.   Does this mean that I am better because of the recovery in spite of or because of the mental illness?  Is mental illness all bad?  I don’t know about others who suffer from these illnesses, but I think it is hard to suffer mental illness and not be somehow more resilient.  Years of my life have truly been swallowed up by suffering, anxiety, depression, and blankness to name a few.  Maybe mental illness is all bad, actually.  But my mentality, despite ongoing trials, is experiencing overcoming now too.  For a long time, I remember only anguish being paired with my mental illness.  Those were times when I could not identify what was wrong, or wrong with me.  Those were the worst times.  Then there were times when I was scared to speak the words of diagnosis or symptom paired with my name.  In society, I feared a blemish on my name, that existed whether or not I told the truth already, yet I was so afraid to tell people.  Then there were times of suffering public but alone.  For some time I never had met an ally in the mental illness, someone who shared my affliction.  After the miracle of community, I still suffered a full decade of daily crises.  I still felt isolation, and to this day feel peerless.  I accomplished a dream, graduating college, only to find I may never be able to work full time.  Through all of the protagonist drama, I lost the support and compassion of a terrible collection of care givers.  
+
+How did resilience come alive in me in these processes?  Resilience came as the gradual discovery that falling is easier when you laugh and get back up as quickly as possible looking around to see who you can inspire.  There were conversations about actual falling and how laughter helps you off the ground.  I learned constantly because I kept falling.  The first time I felt very depressed, I remember feeling more depressed because a favorite fruit did not interest me, because loved ones seemed dismayed by me, though they may have felt it for me, and because of possibilities I feared I had left behind.  The way I remember it nothing brought me joy for a long time.  When there is no joy, resilience is hard to find.  I did find it in conversations with mentors and caregivers.  I found resilience in their offering.  But I needed to learn to find it for myself.  Independence of thought did come to me but I think I found some joys too.  A pattern was, I poured my love into a person who did not love me the way I did.  I am so glad I did, because connection teaches us resilience, even in its losses.  The thing with falling is, each time we do it, it might hurt worse, but it also is easier to recover the quicker we brush ourselves off the first time.  
+
+In the beginning I think I believed the joy would never return to me.  When I found it there still, that was an important moment too.  Mentally ill meant I would lose self control sometimes, a state called manic.  It meant my truths would not necessarily be true, a state called psychotic.  It meant I would feel terrible for a long time, a state called depression.  But to my relief and surprise, I was not stuck in the depression forever since I did not want to lose control or be untrue.   I could have happiness again, even despite my diagnosis.  
+
+I made the mistake many times of growing attached to the happiness.  I thought it was something I had learned how to recover, as if I would never be sad again.  Then every time, the happiness ended either because I was unrealistic with my hopes, or just socially awkward to the point of humiliation.    Of course, to this day, I reach these ecstasies and lows, and I likely will never quit being on the wave that emotion is.  I am in the water of emotion but I am learning how to swim.  I am swallowing water still, but at least I am kicking and trying.  To this day, I feel forever in the sadnesses that come, as if they will not end.  But I respond more responsibly too.  I know I am a physical body and so I don’t stay up pining if I could sleep and rest.  I know my needs.  I know what I can do to feel better sometimes, or relax a little, or get my mind off of the subject.  Often all I need is to change my mental channel.  
+
+I would not have these coping mechanisms or this perspective if I had not been forced to cope.  I am someone with mental illness and it will never be cast out of me, and I am glad I am here.  Because me and mental illness in a way are one, I am glad I endured this bad thing, because it got me to me.  
+
+
 October 28, 2019
 
 Relationships Harbor Beauty and Ugliness

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 28a5d6b..5b5071a 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,36 @@
+October 28, 2019
+
+Relationships Harbor Beauty and Ugliness
+
+Three or so months ago I started a relationship document on my computer to try to get to the bottom of what is happening in my human relationships, a status that has for a long time been changeable, inclined towards loss, and agony.  I wrote out many names, writing beside each some pointer to myself regarding how I hope to have better boundaries, but also just describing my relationships with several individuals.  That is a very private document.  But it has been churning in me, some fifty or so people, few of whom exist on facebook, some of whom I haven't seen for a decade, yet who somehow have made their mark on me in some sizable way, generally, with some random exceptions included with humor, or babes who just need love and can't be counted on at all, naturally, too.  
+
+Recently, one close family friend, so to speak, and I have been having difficulty relating together, and the situation makes me very aware that most of the people in my life just will never know and or believe in me, which is to me the hallmark of what matters in relationships.  This one friend has known me forever, but doesn't really seem to know me, and definitely doesn't believe in me.  Other friendships vary.  And for a while I started wondering if I might just nix the ones somehow who don't know and believe in me.  It seems something innate within our relationships, something that I truly need, and something that is stationary and unchanging, mostly.  Understanding and respect seem so integrally connected to knowing and believing.  
+
+In my world, I am a lot different than most other people, and you have to comprehend me to behold me to a point, and you have to renown me to a degree to hold me.  Or for it to mean anything.  So I guess I have had a lot of, too many, fake relationships, or just lingering relating with people who don't know or believe in me, yet who have known my family forever, and so it seems like we ought to keep spending time together.  And the time together can hurt very bad for me, because I am so unknown and unbelieved in with so many people.  
+
+Then tonight, I reopen this document on relationships, and something happens where I decide to bold only the true believers just to see what happens, to approach it from the point of upholding the creme of the crop.  Then something amazing happens, and it is so telling, I am skipping over Mom and Daddy, and I learn something in that, that I can't just delete the ones who don't believe in me deep in their heart.
+
+I know with my mental illness, it is hard for close family members to really truly believe in me.  As it happens none of the ten who I have bolded in the end are close family members.  Or family members at all.  Three are distance friendships, either pen pals, or email pals, or phone pals.  I'm not entirely sure about one of those.  Seems she could be moved into the other camp if she got too much of me.  
+
+I see my advice for me that I have written out months ago regarding these 10 anomalies.  "She is a hermit crab.  She was very outgoing in friendship with me this year.  Then withdrew, asking not to be communicated with.  Because I over communicated by text and email, poems and junk."  
+
+or 
+
+"I overcommunicate, and she bares with me, and probably would never get mad, but I need to step it just a notch back for our sake.  She does seem interested in the duration of our friendship though."
+
+or 
+
+" Honor that she is a life friend, even when I get frustrated with her.  Put best foot forward or no foot.  Has been very generous, especially lately."
+
+Nothing is perfect.  Am I putting people too high up?  Am I over using my relationships?  Am I draining all my resources even the ones I say are great?  How can I be ok with friends and family who don't believe in me?  
+
+Many emotions.  But one stands out.  I feel very grateful that ten people believe in me.  I can't make an island of people like that.  But I can be a person like that for a baby.  I can be a person like that for a child.  Sometimes I don't know how.  But I can.  
+
+
+
+
+
+
 October 19, 2019
 
 Psychosis is Beautiful

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index d8eb72f..28a5d6b 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,5 +1,49 @@
 October 19, 2019
 
+Psychosis is Beautiful
+
+Writing poems that personify trees and expand upon images that might otherwise be ignored makes me think of the bending of visions also called psychosis.  Psychosis can come as a visionary answer and can bring new perspectives.  Psychosis does not have to be horrific or scary for the people who see it.  As Americans and citizens of the world, we need to remodel how we perceive psychosis. So I call my works "Guided Psychosis" with all of that in mind. Every day I see images in the natural world that speak a different sort of language to me. Lines blur between psychosis and poetry. Nature images seem improved by the lens of the mentally ill person or shaman who sees differently.  So I present to you a chapbook that has nothing to do with psychosis and has everything to do with psychosis, also.  As a poet, I learn to observe the world more deeply and creatively.   I hold these pictures of the natural world beside the warped lens of psychosis knowing my own mental illness has gifted me with a unique way of seeing things that I would not have if I had never been so different.  
+
+
+Nude Art Criticism 
+
+
+1.
+
+I lived in a peaceful basement of a professor couple.  I was absorbed by the beauty of the basement, in a way that was odd for a college student.  I was nearing graduation, which was probably the greatest thing I ever will accomplish because of disability.  I was grateful, unsure of what I would do next, and not resolved to go home and live with Mom yet.  So I kept coming to points where I felt so conflicted with something or other that had happened in my life, that I had quit, started, stopped, and then again started back at school more times than I can count.  This moment is 7 years after graduation, and I am writing this document knowing I am feeling through a thought that is vague right now, in attempt at forming a more solid idea of my life then, so I can understand what art and beauty means to me.  But I will get back to that.  So I was happy mostly at that point when my story opens but I did feel kind of lonely sometimes, and I got an idea that another student might stay in the basement with me, if the professor friends of mine agreed.  They agreed but said they’d need to approve it.  And I am not sure if it is how they would have went about it or not, but I posted an ad in our college’s online site.  The first applicant who came was a gay man who I had taken a class with.  We were friends on facebook, but I was not close to him.  I had thought he was a pretty good person, and had been getting closer than I had been with another gay man, Adam, who I told about how the second gay man had applied, and Adam said, “No”.  And I initially thought my contemplative colleague Adam might think I wanted to set them both up based on their being gay, which would have been a bad idea.  But Adam said the applicant was not my friend.  But I didn’t want to turn him down.  
+
+About half a semester ahead of this time, I had sketched my naked body, an image of me, and had posted it on my closet.  My professors knew I had put it there and they seemed to either like it or not to mind.  My friend who had seen it, Jamie, said it was “not weird” to have it there.  And I asked her what she meant, and she just wanted me to know she didn’t think my art was weird because as an art student she knew I might have wondered if it was odd.  I moved forward, without giving her comment much thought.  Then when I graduated, my brother saw the picture, when he stayed in the other room in the basement, and said it was my room and totally fine to have my art there, and that I shouldn’t worry that he had seen it.  I worried a little for some reason, but a lot was going on like graduating, and I moved on with life.  Then the second gay man, moved to the other room and became my house-mate.  Very early in his time there, I was lying on my bed about to go to bed, and he came in the room poking through my things in a way I found intrusive, and I had not invited him in.  Then he looked at the nude self portrait sketch and he was aghast.  He told me he wished I had told him I had naked art, and I think he said it triggered him.  But I was pissed off because he had come into my room without asking and he was an art student too, I think, and it was art, and I got so upset and him I might have screamed.  But I wasn’t entirely sure why I was so angry at him, and usually I tried not to trigger people.  Eventually, I was asked by Libby, the professor upstairs, what about his words or actions had bothered me.  But I closed down.  I did not want to talk about it, and in fact I got so upset I rented  a uhaul and I went all the way home  two states away in Tennessee with most of my belongings thinking I was done with that house, and moving home angrily.  
+
+
+Looking back today, I wonder what had triggered the house-mate, and I am sorry that I caused so much drama.  But I am also interested in what had gone on in my brain about the art that spurred on this sort of incident!  As I said many times I had returned home for small reasons that had felt smaller than this, but in an act of quitting.  So that might explain part of it.  But what was going on in me about the art? Part of it is that I think I felt the art was being criticized, though now I see it maybe was not.  I am not certain of what was going on in me, but it was not an act, I really felt that way.  So I am going to dig deeper into this.
+
+2.
+
+That opens so many questions for me, what I wrote in the first segment of this piece.  Then I had to go and find Dorian Grey, and now I have so many more things to think about.  I will get to them, but it will take time. 
+
+If I had to say a single reason for the fact that I got upset when my sketch was criticized, it would take some processing to figure out that one reason.  I think it was because I felt so strongly that the sketch was art, and art means something to me that is so powerful, and it had been so so long since I had made any art at all, and this sketch was an outpouring of my soul, and though the image of a nude body might have triggered my house mate, him being upset by it felt to me an offense, even if it was a natural reaction in him, because him not wanting to look at my art went so powerfully against the grain of who I was, in my ideas at the time, somehow, that I just was appalled that I would even ever desire to let this man cohabit with me.  The problem is, that was a supremely lengthy sentence.  It is no simple thing.  And every inch of all of this just is begging me to be unpacked.  
+
+I am one fifth of the way through reading Dorian Grey at this time, since I started today and am plowing through it with utter delight.  There were some lines in the prologue that I absolutely have to put in here because Dorian Grey is about art, and the lines seem to have been written just for me.
+
+“The highest, as the lowest, form of criticism is a mode of autobiography.”  Oscar Wilde
+
+When my house-mate criticized my art, the artist, me, had no room in me to feel for him.  I knew my art was beautiful and perfect like a child.  I had no fear that his negative thoughts meant my art was less worthy or brilliant, but I did not have a minute to hear his personal concerns about my art and its impact on him. His autobiography pushed against mine in a horrible way.  My autobiography felt  invaded by his autobiography, and I was the one who had invited him in to live next to me.  I was the one who had asked him and that bothered me about myself too.  
+
+ I didn’t mean for him to have to look at a sketch of my nude body, but there is a difference between naked and nude, and this was nude.  Nude is art.  Nude is beautiful no matter what.  Naked can be obscene.  Maybe.  Someone said that to me one time, when I found a friend nude in his garden down at the bottom of Wortroot and he promised me he was not naked.
+
+
+I believe in nudity.  I don’t know everything about it.  I know little about nudity, but I believe in the art of the human form.  
+
+
+
+To be continued.  
+
+
+
+October 18, 2019
+
+Culture is Beautiful
+
 I purchased all the records in one of the houses across the street, which has one more day of estate sale today, for 20 dollars.  I always used to think women folk musicians was my genre of choice, but I think exposure might be the reason I chose that for me.  Now I am learning about Aretha Franklin, Billy Holiday, The Belles, Ray Charles, Ella Fitzgerald, Dinah Washington, Michael Jackson, Bobby Bland, and Dianne Warick, to just name a few.  I love being able to listen to these blues and soul singers.  I am getting kind of attached to the vynls though I told a friend she could take her pick.
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index c0bf997..d8eb72f 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,5 +1,6 @@
+October 19, 2019
 
-
+I purchased all the records in one of the houses across the street, which has one more day of estate sale today, for 20 dollars.  I always used to think women folk musicians was my genre of choice, but I think exposure might be the reason I chose that for me.  Now I am learning about Aretha Franklin, Billy Holiday, The Belles, Ray Charles, Ella Fitzgerald, Dinah Washington, Michael Jackson, Bobby Bland, and Dianne Warick, to just name a few.  I love being able to listen to these blues and soul singers.  I am getting kind of attached to the vynls though I told a friend she could take her pick.
 
 
 October 9, 2019

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 1e0b4b8..c0bf997 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,40 +1,3 @@
-October 10, 2019
-
-Distracted by Acquaintances
-
-Earlier today I asked an acquaintance if I had been rude to him and he said yes.  The time he said I was rude to him was when I was mentally out of control due to my schizoaffective disorder, which I try very hard to keep in line, and which has not manifested this same way for 16 years.
-
-I am so emotionally tired.  I am trying to hard to do what is right but I can’t even seem to know what is right today.  I could go to sleep but I worry something might get lost in the period between this moment and waking.  I almost came to a self discovery today.  I feel I was inches before realizing an important part about myself when I just needed the right question and then to find in myself the right answer.  So I asked some friends and family but no one could give me space or ask the right question I needed to hear.  I know that my heart knows the answer to a question that needs to be asked.  And I know that being asked this question is imperative to my life.  So I am going to venture to formulate my own question.  
-
-Do I think I should change myself today?
-
-When I called friends about the conflict I had today and the thoughts it conjured in me, one good friend said I should not try too hard, that my recent hospitalization due to mental illness was not because I did something wrong, but because of the illness, and that I should not be concerned about what I might have done at the YMCA the day before, because in the grand scheme of things it was not horrible and I could not help it.  
-
-But that is the answer I always tell myself, the answer my good friend gave.  I try to be kind to myself and that has always been to say it is not my fault when I have a mental breakdown if I was rude to someone.
-
-So I went home and I wrote the following indented paragraphs:  
-
->There are reasons to disregard politeness.  When I was 18 I worked as a colleague with my father and I found his mannerisms impolite at times with the guests in the Quaker center where we both worked.  Sometimes he responded to them in a scolding way if they came in after prearranged hours and my father could get very haughty in those moments.  But it was not just conflicts that struck me as impolite.  In fact there came a point when I think it was everything I noticed about him and it began to bother me.  I don’t remember how it came up, but I asked him why he was so impolite.  Then we sorted through exactly what I meant, that his impoliteness did not just offend me when others had done something wrong, but that there were these expressions of disregard for manners that he made that seemed way more abrasive than anything anyone else in DC seemed to be saying. Then for a minute, he got deep and contemplative and the conversation changed, and my father looked at me, and he said the following:  
-
->“Do you like what they are doing?”  
-
->My father is a man who in his career was as blue collar, hard working, and successful as anyone can hope to be.  My father was his own person in his career and he still is.  He didn’t butter up to the ways that be, he got where he got through hard work and perseverance.    He is not going to quit doing what he believes in because of anybody else.  
-
->There was no one else in the room at the time, so his “they” carried a larger meaning, and I thought for a hard time about what exactly I believed, whether others were any better, and by the end of the time there thinking, I had made an inner decision to be more like my father and less like everyone else, and that is how it has been for a very long time.  
-
->I do not like the mannerisms of politeness.  I do not like the implied hierarchical structures that humans adopt in their day to day interactions.  I do not think it aspires any more towards kindness and justice than my or my father’s way. 
-
->It is easier to be polite if you learned how and the ways people learn to be polite are often just for people with more status or money.  So I decided to rebel against that.  I started disregarding the rules of society in a small way.  I did not have to be polite, though there were parts of it, saying thanks and please that were so ingrained in me socially that I never have even gotten that far.  But at times I have definitely allowed myself to disregard politeness.  
-
->Recently it occurred to me that I might do this to a point beyond what I should.  I never mean to harm or hurt others.  So this is a moment in which I am just shining awareness on this subject without deciding either way to change or stay the same.  Just to notice.  
-
->Trying to have more compassion shouldn’t hurt.
-
-I was rude and a part of me wonders if I could train myself to not be rude, could I train myself to not have mental illness.  That would be the ultimate reason to change myself but I believe it is a horrible thought because it is impossible to behave your way out of schizoaffective disorder.  I am not a shallow person and ideas of public reputation seem less necessary to me than kindness.  But this was not a conversation about kindness, it was about rudeness.  
-
-I am way more tired now.  I think I should sleep.  :(
- 
-
 
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 218ab7c..1e0b4b8 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,44 @@
+October 10, 2019
+
+Distracted by Acquaintances
+
+Earlier today I asked an acquaintance if I had been rude to him and he said yes.  The time he said I was rude to him was when I was mentally out of control due to my schizoaffective disorder, which I try very hard to keep in line, and which has not manifested this same way for 16 years.
+
+I am so emotionally tired.  I am trying to hard to do what is right but I can’t even seem to know what is right today.  I could go to sleep but I worry something might get lost in the period between this moment and waking.  I almost came to a self discovery today.  I feel I was inches before realizing an important part about myself when I just needed the right question and then to find in myself the right answer.  So I asked some friends and family but no one could give me space or ask the right question I needed to hear.  I know that my heart knows the answer to a question that needs to be asked.  And I know that being asked this question is imperative to my life.  So I am going to venture to formulate my own question.  
+
+Do I think I should change myself today?
+
+When I called friends about the conflict I had today and the thoughts it conjured in me, one good friend said I should not try too hard, that my recent hospitalization due to mental illness was not because I did something wrong, but because of the illness, and that I should not be concerned about what I might have done at the YMCA the day before, because in the grand scheme of things it was not horrible and I could not help it.  
+
+But that is the answer I always tell myself, the answer my good friend gave.  I try to be kind to myself and that has always been to say it is not my fault when I have a mental breakdown if I was rude to someone.
+
+So I went home and I wrote the following indented paragraphs:  
+
+>There are reasons to disregard politeness.  When I was 18 I worked as a colleague with my father and I found his mannerisms impolite at times with the guests in the Quaker center where we both worked.  Sometimes he responded to them in a scolding way if they came in after prearranged hours and my father could get very haughty in those moments.  But it was not just conflicts that struck me as impolite.  In fact there came a point when I think it was everything I noticed about him and it began to bother me.  I don’t remember how it came up, but I asked him why he was so impolite.  Then we sorted through exactly what I meant, that his impoliteness did not just offend me when others had done something wrong, but that there were these expressions of disregard for manners that he made that seemed way more abrasive than anything anyone else in DC seemed to be saying. Then for a minute, he got deep and contemplative and the conversation changed, and my father looked at me, and he said the following:  
+
+>“Do you like what they are doing?”  
+
+>My father is a man who in his career was as blue collar, hard working, and successful as anyone can hope to be.  My father was his own person in his career and he still is.  He didn’t butter up to the ways that be, he got where he got through hard work and perseverance.    He is not going to quit doing what he believes in because of anybody else.  
+
+>There was no one else in the room at the time, so his “they” carried a larger meaning, and I thought for a hard time about what exactly I believed, whether others were any better, and by the end of the time there thinking, I had made an inner decision to be more like my father and less like everyone else, and that is how it has been for a very long time.  
+
+>I do not like the mannerisms of politeness.  I do not like the implied hierarchical structures that humans adopt in their day to day interactions.  I do not think it aspires any more towards kindness and justice than my or my father’s way. 
+
+>It is easier to be polite if you learned how and the ways people learn to be polite are often just for people with more status or money.  So I decided to rebel against that.  I started disregarding the rules of society in a small way.  I did not have to be polite, though there were parts of it, saying thanks and please that were so ingrained in me socially that I never have even gotten that far.  But at times I have definitely allowed myself to disregard politeness.  
+
+>Recently it occurred to me that I might do this to a point beyond what I should.  I never mean to harm or hurt others.  So this is a moment in which I am just shining awareness on this subject without deciding either way to change or stay the same.  Just to notice.  
+
+>Trying to have more compassion shouldn’t hurt.
+
+I was rude and a part of me wonders if I could train myself to not be rude, could I train myself to not have mental illness.  That would be the ultimate reason to change myself but I believe it is a horrible thought because it is impossible to behave your way out of schizoaffective disorder.  I am not a shallow person and ideas of public reputation seem less necessary to me than kindness.  But this was not a conversation about kindness, it was about rudeness.  
+
+I am way more tired now.  I think I should sleep.  :(
+ 
+
+
+
+
+
 October 9, 2019
 
 Is beauty itself purpose?  Or is it just the name of some blog, a little too wordy, at that?  Does that question itself depend on perspective?  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 494f031..218ab7c 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,16 @@
+October 9, 2019
+
+Is beauty itself purpose?  Or is it just the name of some blog, a little too wordy, at that?  Does that question itself depend on perspective?  
+
+I am writing a lot in another place about art and beauty.  Maybe one day you will see it.  
+
+Until then, let me reflect.  I have been very happy about a nonprofit, and that I am once again ready to involve myself with it.  I have been very happy with Dorian Gray, and have just about read the first fifth, as of today.  I have felt good, and I am so glad.  I am swimming and I watch my swifts every evening still, as they haven't migrated all gone yet.
+
+Thanks for checking my blog.  
+
+
+
+
 October 7, 2019
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 8133c11..494f031 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,8 +3,8 @@ October 7, 2019
 
 
 
-[[!img FredLincolnpressrelease-page-001.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
-[[!img FredLincolnpressrelease-page-002.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+[[!img FredLincolnpressrelease-page-001.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
+[[!img FredLincolnpressrelease-page-002.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
 
 [[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
 [[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 4a59924..8133c11 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,6 +3,9 @@ October 7, 2019
 
 
 
+[[!img FredLincolnpressrelease-page-001.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+[[!img FredLincolnpressrelease-page-002.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+
 [[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
 [[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
 
@@ -111,3 +114,4 @@ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE
 
 [[!img picsart_09-06-05-28-31.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 
+

attachment upload
diff --git a/FredLincolnpressrelease-page-001.jpg b/FredLincolnpressrelease-page-001.jpg
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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,8 +3,8 @@ October 7, 2019
 
 
 
-[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="800x" alt=""]]
 
 
 Beautiful is the swift migration.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index b7ecfc2..6bd87db 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,8 +3,8 @@ October 7, 2019
 
 
 
-[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="40x" alt=""]]
-[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="30x" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 
 
 Beautiful is the swift migration.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 395411f..b7ecfc2 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,8 +3,8 @@ October 7, 2019
 
 
 
-[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
-[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="40x" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="30x" alt=""]]
 
 
 Beautiful is the swift migration.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 7834380..395411f 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,5 +1,12 @@
 October 7, 2019
 
+
+
+
+[[!img half_day_flight_1.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+[[!img half_day_flight2.jpg align="right" size="" alt=""]]
+
+
 Beautiful is the swift migration.
 
 (I never could figure out if every swift in the world passes through this chimney, or at least the ones in this corridor, or if it is just one single flock that leaves.  If it is just a single flock, how do they fly South?  I mean where do they sleep the nights it takes?  I am so confused!  :)
@@ -103,3 +110,4 @@ So in the name of Claire Wineland, I am declaring this moment a life changing pe
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE
 
 [[!img picsart_09-06-05-28-31.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+

attachment upload
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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index e0f4a90..7834380 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,28 @@
+October 7, 2019
+
+Beautiful is the swift migration.
+
+(I never could figure out if every swift in the world passes through this chimney, or at least the ones in this corridor, or if it is just one single flock that leaves.  If it is just a single flock, how do they fly South?  I mean where do they sleep the nights it takes?  I am so confused!  :)
+
+Do you know of the lives of migrating swifts,
+
+that seem to know
+
+all of them
+
+exactly the path to the tropical rainforests
+
+that only dwell in chimneys
+
+since hollow trees are gone
+
+that cling to the inside on bricks
+
+related to hummingbirds
+
+constantly moving?
+
+
 October 6, 2019
 
 A friend wrote me her response to my questions that I have been asking about beauty.  The following are her words.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 822094c..e0f4a90 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,9 +2,9 @@ October 6, 2019
 
 A friend wrote me her response to my questions that I have been asking about beauty.  The following are her words.
 
-I would agree that when we perceive something to be beautiful it does expand our experience. 
+"I would agree that when we perceive something to be beautiful it does expand our experience."
 
-You are expressing a much more Zen view of beauty than I have. For me nature is not always beautiful, and neither is loss of life (as a natural event). Nature is wasteful, contrary to popular belief. It engages in experiments which don't always succeed. The purpose then must be to keep experimenting because this is the way of survival and improvement (Darwin). So how do we know when our experiments are going to succeed? We don't. Some would say we create the illusion of purpose to overcome the obvious lack of it in the world. Those moments of beauty reinforce that illusion, that belief. But you may be right, that beauty is incomplete, as in the case of resilience. With resilience there has been damage and reconstruction. It's a process. The experimentation is done with purpose.
+"You are expressing a much more Zen view of beauty than I have. For me nature is not always beautiful, and neither is loss of life (as a natural event). Nature is wasteful, contrary to popular belief. It engages in experiments which don't always succeed. The purpose then must be to keep experimenting because this is the way of survival and improvement (Darwin). So how do we know when our experiments are going to succeed? We don't. Some would say we create the illusion of purpose to overcome the obvious lack of it in the world. Those moments of beauty reinforce that illusion, that belief. But you may be right, that beauty is incomplete, as in the case of resilience. With resilience there has been damage and reconstruction. It's a process. The experimentation is done with purpose."
 
 Just some late night thoughts.
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 8ef703e..822094c 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,13 @@
+October 6, 2019
+
+A friend wrote me her response to my questions that I have been asking about beauty.  The following are her words.
+
+I would agree that when we perceive something to be beautiful it does expand our experience. 
+
+You are expressing a much more Zen view of beauty than I have. For me nature is not always beautiful, and neither is loss of life (as a natural event). Nature is wasteful, contrary to popular belief. It engages in experiments which don't always succeed. The purpose then must be to keep experimenting because this is the way of survival and improvement (Darwin). So how do we know when our experiments are going to succeed? We don't. Some would say we create the illusion of purpose to overcome the obvious lack of it in the world. Those moments of beauty reinforce that illusion, that belief. But you may be right, that beauty is incomplete, as in the case of resilience. With resilience there has been damage and reconstruction. It's a process. The experimentation is done with purpose.
+
+Just some late night thoughts.
+
 October 5, 2019
 
 A male family member had an entirely different set of answers to my questions.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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@@ -1,3 +1,20 @@
+October 5, 2019
+
+A male family member had an entirely different set of answers to my questions.  
+
+He said that beauty is a subjective thing, no scientific meaning whatsoever.  In his own experience, he experiences beauty every day.  Everything around the house outdoor holds beauty.  One final hen.  Tomato plants.  "We have some dead tree parts here we use as art."  An old rotten tree here has a unique shape.  
+
+When asked if dying can be beautiful, he said he doesn't know if human death can be beautiful.  Maybe if he removed himself from it.  He just read a book about Alzheimer's and people dying that said it could be beautiful, but personally he hasn't got there yet.  He imagines he'd consider his last thoughts beautiful because they were his last thoughts.  
+
+Regarding beauty itself as purpose, he said it is not in his understanding of purpose which is a conscious individual deciding it is important enough to do.  He said there is a difference between an act being purposeful versus having purpose.  What exists may have purpose, he said, a red shoulder's hawk catching a sparrow, but it's a question of perspective.  
+
+
+---
+
+Maggie here again, I think people get too carried into the first idea many have about beauty, that it is in the eyes of the beholder.  When many people think about beauty, all they think is about perspective ruling it, they rarely branch out to think deeply about their own perspective of beauty, or that maybe there are beauties larger than single beholders.  
+
+I was glad for this interview, and very glad for his first paragraph.  It also was interesting for me to realizing how many people think of beauty as confined by perspective.  This helps me understand others better because my idea of beauty rarely even considers the beholder anymore.  I'm in so deep.
+
 October 4, 2019
 
 The expression "beauty itself is purpose" was first used by me in a poem.  I wrote about beauty I found while living in a small suburb in Kentucky.  But when I talk about beauty as purpose long enough, it becomes necessary to define beauty.  Much of my conception of beauty is adapted from Leonard Koren's book on the Japanese word, wabi sabi, imperfect, impermanent, or incomplete beauty.  I don't think Glamour Magazines display much beauty.  I agree with veering from a conventional or popular understanding of beauty.  Though my beliefs on beauty are maybe a little expanded beyond wabi sabi.  So imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete beauty is something that I consider to be purposeful.  In my mind, I include decaying plant life, in my list of what is beautiful.  Nature is beautiful.  Art is beautiful.  Human resilience is beautiful.  So in my eyes, pain that brings growth could also be classified as beautiful.  Even loss of life can be beautiful, because we are not immortal beings, and it is a natural course of events for us to die.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,6 +2,14 @@ October 4, 2019
 
 The expression "beauty itself is purpose" was first used by me in a poem.  I wrote about beauty I found while living in a small suburb in Kentucky.  But when I talk about beauty as purpose long enough, it becomes necessary to define beauty.  Much of my conception of beauty is adapted from Leonard Koren's book on the Japanese word, wabi sabi, imperfect, impermanent, or incomplete beauty.  I don't think Glamour Magazines display much beauty.  I agree with veering from a conventional or popular understanding of beauty.  Though my beliefs on beauty are maybe a little expanded beyond wabi sabi.  So imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete beauty is something that I consider to be purposeful.  In my mind, I include decaying plant life, in my list of what is beautiful.  Nature is beautiful.  Art is beautiful.  Human resilience is beautiful.  So in my eyes, pain that brings growth could also be classified as beautiful.  Even loss of life can be beautiful, because we are not immortal beings, and it is a natural course of events for us to die.  
 
+I am interested in what others think about beauty, so I interviewed a family member asking her what is beauty and whether or not she thinks beauty itself is purpose.  I am letter her stay anonymous.  These were her thoughts:
+
+"In the spectrum of good and bad, beauty is good.  Painful or scary things can't be beautiful.  Beauty touches emotions.  We can take some things or leave them.  But when we see beauty, we react emotionally.  We cry, we are comforted or ecstatic.  It expands our experience.  Not just as a thrill.  We are part of the beauty when we realize it is beautiful.  Beauty is a state of being.  Not just seeing things but hearing music and other senses.  People are beautiful.  Personalities are.  Bernie Sanders and Andrew Yang have beautiful personalities.  Some people don't have beautiful personalities.  Emotions are beautiful.  Physical and sexual love.  These things are also impermanent.  They don't last.  Beauty doesn't last.  Is beauty itself purpose?  Purpose itself is beautiful."
+
+I disagree with her on some of these.  And will write more about that later.  Many of these insights are brilliant and worth expanding.  
+
+
+
 
 October 3, 2019
 

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+++ b/index.mdwn
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+October 4, 2019
+
+The expression "beauty itself is purpose" was first used by me in a poem.  I wrote about beauty I found while living in a small suburb in Kentucky.  But when I talk about beauty as purpose long enough, it becomes necessary to define beauty.  Much of my conception of beauty is adapted from Leonard Koren's book on the Japanese word, wabi sabi, imperfect, impermanent, or incomplete beauty.  I don't think Glamour Magazines display much beauty.  I agree with veering from a conventional or popular understanding of beauty.  Though my beliefs on beauty are maybe a little expanded beyond wabi sabi.  So imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete beauty is something that I consider to be purposeful.  In my mind, I include decaying plant life, in my list of what is beautiful.  Nature is beautiful.  Art is beautiful.  Human resilience is beautiful.  So in my eyes, pain that brings growth could also be classified as beautiful.  Even loss of life can be beautiful, because we are not immortal beings, and it is a natural course of events for us to die.  
+
+
 October 3, 2019
 
 Claire speaks of sick and dying people as not to be pitied.  As a mentally ill person, recently sick enough to be hospitalized, and having to struggle a lot with Social Security about my disability, I am trying hard not to be a victim, but to identify as something else.  Poet.  Artist.  Girl who swims.  Vlogger?  Anything so my personal philosophy is not that of victim-hood.  I need _to believe_ a different personal narrative.  It's difficult because of how much my life is weighed down by disability and mental illness.  Abilities and wellness also exist in me.  How to believe in abilities and wellness?  Used to be an idealist, but somehow burned out and self pity grew.

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+October 3, 2019
+
+Claire speaks of sick and dying people as not to be pitied.  As a mentally ill person, recently sick enough to be hospitalized, and having to struggle a lot with Social Security about my disability, I am trying hard not to be a victim, but to identify as something else.  Poet.  Artist.  Girl who swims.  Vlogger?  Anything so my personal philosophy is not that of victim-hood.  I need _to believe_ a different personal narrative.  It's difficult because of how much my life is weighed down by disability and mental illness.  Abilities and wellness also exist in me.  How to believe in abilities and wellness?  Used to be an idealist, but somehow burned out and self pity grew.
+
+Even psychosis is not all bad.  It is a unique way of envisioning.  Shamanic.  I need affirmations to use that I truly believe in, that feel real.  I am creative.  I am strong.  I am intelligent.  Things happen that hurt or generally don't feel good.    Hospitalization again after 16 years.  Medicare and social security making mistakes that leave me in trouble.  Human interactions have old patterns.  
+
+My motto:  "Beauty Itself is Purpose" asks for a definition of beauty.  Wabi sabi beauty is what I have in mind.  A Japanese term for unique, changing, (decaying), or rough edged beauty.  Think old leaves or bark falling off a tree.
+
+Beauty itself is purpose applies to my life of not feeling self pity upon loss.  There is always a silver lining.
 
 
 September 18, 2019

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-September 22, 2019
-
-Last day of summer.  
-
-I have started vlogging about the purpose of life and how it is different for someone with a chronic life threatening illness from someone who knows they will live.  In case you didn't know (Mom) a vlog is a video blog I think at least.  
-
-Find mine at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTYVsHmFhdqJQFHXk0VneHw  or just type Maggie Hess in youtube.  
-
 
 
 September 18, 2019

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+September 22, 2019
+
+Last day of summer.  
+
+I have started vlogging about the purpose of life and how it is different for someone with a chronic life threatening illness from someone who knows they will live.  In case you didn't know (Mom) a vlog is a video blog I think at least.  
+
+Find mine at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTYVsHmFhdqJQFHXk0VneHw  or just type Maggie Hess in youtube.  
+
+
+
+September 18, 2019
+
+
 Just watched Claire, the Youtube Original Documentary, about Claire Wineland, a young woman who had a youtube channel, and cystic fibrosis, an activist up until her death at 21, someone who believed sick people do not need to be pittied, and that being sick does not decrease a person's quality of life because that quality is decided by what makes out your experience as a human being.  Seeing the real struggles Claire went through, with 35 surgeries and a large portion of her life either doing basic things to stay alive or in the hospital, yet her incredible attitude and humor was what inspires me.  Her perspective and way of talking really had the angle of wisdom beyond the years any of us usually achieve.  There was something so remarkable about her.
 
 I watched the documentary thinking, what can I do, as someone who also struggles with an illness, and a mental illness should be no harder to be pleasant through or to have a reason and purpose in life.  I watched this little tiny child cracking jokes while breathing with a respirator and taking oxygen the whole documentary, and all the times she had to cough, and each time, she'd crack a joke, which surely took energy and surely was not easy, since she was coughing and it can be hard to talk.  Seeing Claire live these moments embracing life, empowering millions, but more importantly having the intellect to understand herself and know how to see the good through a tough circumstance.  

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+Just watched Claire, the Youtube Original Documentary, about Claire Wineland, a young woman who had a youtube channel, and cystic fibrosis, an activist up until her death at 21, someone who believed sick people do not need to be pittied, and that being sick does not decrease a person's quality of life because that quality is decided by what makes out your experience as a human being.  Seeing the real struggles Claire went through, with 35 surgeries and a large portion of her life either doing basic things to stay alive or in the hospital, yet her incredible attitude and humor was what inspires me.  Her perspective and way of talking really had the angle of wisdom beyond the years any of us usually achieve.  There was something so remarkable about her.
+
+I watched the documentary thinking, what can I do, as someone who also struggles with an illness, and a mental illness should be no harder to be pleasant through or to have a reason and purpose in life.  I watched this little tiny child cracking jokes while breathing with a respirator and taking oxygen the whole documentary, and all the times she had to cough, and each time, she'd crack a joke, which surely took energy and surely was not easy, since she was coughing and it can be hard to talk.  Seeing Claire live these moments embracing life, empowering millions, but more importantly having the intellect to understand herself and know how to see the good through a tough circumstance.  
+
+There also was this thing about Claire, that she said that it was having had the illness that caused her to have such a good life.  I feel that is true about me with my mental illness too.  It is a hard idea maybe to wrap a person's head around fully.  In fact, much of my life narrative has been an attempt of finding good in bad, maybe, but when I go and try to explain the bad I get lost in details.  So I am setting a new goal.  I am striving to see the positive.  And if I have to keep my goal simple that is what it is.  I want to find a way to laugh through my illness whether I am laughing in spite of it or because of it.  
+
+But the secondary more complicated thing about my new goal is I want to dive as deep I can into embracing living, finding enjoyment where I am, and to really learn a different way of walking, maybe that involves occasional happy dancing, singing, or play.  
+
+This past month since being hospitalized for mental illness again after such success I fell inside a shell of fear of mania.  I told myself my depressed period was better than what had hospitalized me, mania.  But the truth is people don't get to chose mania, and I can crawl out of my bed when I am depressed and do more outside and be happier.  Maybe not everyone can combat depression with action, but it is not the main part of my illness I am worried about.  
+
+So in the name of Claire Wineland, I am declaring this moment a life changing period.  I am embracing life and making something good of what all I have.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE
+
+[[!img picsart_09-06-05-28-31.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]

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-Here is a full list of posts to the [[blog|index]].
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-[[!inline pages="page(./posts/*) and !*/Discussion" archive=yes feedshow=10 quick=yes trail=yes]]

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-Dear Editor,
-
-My own editors tell me I seem alarmist when I talk about climate change, so I forewarn you the genre is science fiction.  The point is to keep it out of reality.  
-
-I love to swim at the YMCA.  I swim in the pool in Bristol and have for 30 years, lapped next to the same general folks, some of whom I wonder who they are.  How sad it would be, with the privatization of water, with the corporation fo water, if the pool had to be used to clean things or purified to drink.  You might site the TVA dams and promise me this will not happen, but there is this thing called cost that comes with water.  We won't need to Use the pool if water continues being relatively cheap, but we will Have to Use it if it skyrockets to 200 dollars a barrel.  
-
-What can we do to keep my fiction out of your reality?  Personally, I invested in a rain barrel just in case.  I am using it for grey water, which is non-potable water uses.  
-
-Our little neck of the woods might prove to be a sanctuary for some, as the tides rise, and as food grows less and less cheap.  On the map of climate change, we seem to be safe in numerous scenarios, but the poor will always fight for our basic needs, and as more and more suffer, more and more people will be poor everywhere.  
-
-Editors ask me to write less alarmist, but I have found my voice.  

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-I was impressed by the loving care that brought me to the hospital for my mental breakdown and was treated very well inside there.  Thank you to all of my new friends from 5 East.  
-
-Love,
-Maggie

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-I imagine there were others in the mental ward, non-nurses or doctors, with four year degrees.  But it made me kind of proud and humbled that I achieved some of the things I have in my life inspite of a mental diagnosis.  
-
-I felt very much like Siddhartha might have felt when he left the privileged place where he was raised and went out to walk with the people.  
-
-I never in my life would have not allowed me to get the degree - my greatest achievement.  It was a goal that I set and made half the world struggle with me as I went out like the most determined person in the world to get it.  It was so so hard to fight for that 4 year degree in 12 long hard years.  But I made a lot of friends along the way.  
-
-My friends in the mental ward had parole officers, had done wrong things I know I never would do, had been violent or done drugs or hurt themselves.  I am not better than them.  But I made my strife for something different.  I made my fight for something else.  It was for 12 years a degree.  
-
-Now I am volunteering for River's Way.  I want to help them get better donations so they might help more people.  I had other goals, that feel as if they might have been lofty.  I wanted to work and take complete control of my life, to be 100 percent independent.  Now having seen what I saw in the ward, I know I don't have to.  
-
-I have so much more family and friends, in the deepest most wonderful beloved way than any of the people I know, even the nurses.  I come from a place of pure helping, and for just a while I would like just to try a little bit harder to be a little bit more grateful in everything I do.
-
-I have been listening to Joe Purdy's Children of Privilege.  And it occurs to me oddly that I think I met this man who sings my tune.  Once long ago in Berea he might have visited Rheldi Purdy or I am wrong, but if it was him, it could have been because he apparently has Fayetteville connections.  
-
-My brother Joey helped me so much.  And then if I start naming everyone I just get so many names down and it gets boring on paper to look at.  My own professor guide even called me in there and I got to talk to her beautiful husband.  I am just so blessed.

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-https://www.riversway.org/
-
-River's Way needs your donation to keep growing and being amazing!  I donated just 5 dollars, but if you could think about supporting this very worthy nonprofit organization to help people of differing abilities contribute to their communities, I would love you forever!
-
-River's Way of Bristol, TN is very active as an organization.  We have 12 programs and services that we offer inclusively to community members.  The hospital cafeteria is one site where youth and young adults with disabilities can learn workforce skills.  We work in two garden sites: the Vance Community Garden behind Vance Middle School in Bristol TN and the hoop houses we operate on the grounds of Central Christian Church in Bristol TN.   River's Way worked with Bristol Tennessee City Schools and with Bristol Virginia Public Schools to establish Cafe Central in December 2015.  Our primary goal is to give students with disabilities the opportunity to develop workforce skills.   
-The YMCA after school program at the Bristol Family YMCA works with an average of 8-15 youth with disabilities per day and runs from 2-5 p.m. each day, Monday-Thursday.   (I regularly have started participating in the YMCA activities.  They are so much fun!)  The National Center on Health, Physical Activity and Disability promotes walking as the number one physical activity for people of all abilities including those in wheel chairs.  The Bristol Public Library hosts our Book Club every Monday from 9:30-11:30 in the Teen Space of the Bristol Public Library.    The River’s Way 2019 summer day camp for youth and young adults with differing abilities will run for seven weeks from June 3rd- July 26th.  River’s Way teams with student volunteers from Emory and Henry College to host three respite weekends per semester (Fall and Spring) with youth and young adults with disabilities. River's Way provides portable team building programs to local area schools with an emphasis on team skills and workforce development.    We offer half-day, full-day, and occasional overnight programs.  Activities include hiking, disk golf, and bouldering (rock climbing).   Theater provides a great opportunity for youth and young adults with disabilities to show how they can contribute to our community. Each year, Theatre Bristol provides River's Way participants with a chance to perform a play.   River's Way partners with the YMCA of Bristol and Tennessee High School Lady Vikings to offer a unique basketball program to youth and young adults of all abilities.  
-
-Being in a period of adjustment after my time in the hospital, the staff and everyone at River's Way didn't begrudge me at all.  They told me I could come participate and volunteer any day I wanted.  I am proud to have a truly inclusive group in my area.  
-
-So don't forget to donate a little to keep this all going at River's Way!
-
-  

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-In the uncontrollable moments the doctor called psychosis,
-
-my mind wants to know what is happening,
-
-so it makes up a very complicated story 
-
-that I believe until the medicines kick in,
-
-I'm in love with a gay man,
-
-I'm a rubber band ball passing through itself,
-
-like two shooting stars
-
-that will just meet in one strange place,
-
-and the world is beautiful and dark,
-
-until a nurse cracks the door to make sure I'm sleeping,
-
-every 15 minutes they make rounds,
-
-until I pull one inside of my rubber band ball,
-
-and meet father christmas
-
-somewhere in my deep beliefs.
-
-I didn't want to be this way
-
-but at least they said I was sweet this time.
-
-All my family and friends pretending my notes didn't hurt their ears,
-
-playing songs on the recorder on the old front porch,
-
-with my most faithful people lying flat on the floor
-
-to keep me locked in, in front of the door,
-
-mental illness isn't done for the drama,
-
-I just was stuck a little too deep in a dream,
-
-and the longer I stayed up
-
-it took me over entirely
-
-like a run on sentence that would never end.
-
-The nurses swore to me the only thing that could help me then
-
-was the sedatives and strong medicines they shot me with.
-
-I whined at them and said I wasn't hurting anybody,
-
-but I know the nurses always did the best thing for me.
-
-When I used to get psychotic, 
-
-it was the worst thing that ever happened.
-
-Now I just want to be stable,
-
-but I am no longer attached to control or afraid of my illness.
-
-I wanted to go forever without returning there,
-
-but I was glad to see improvements when I had to go,
-
-and so many people stepped up for me, so high.
-
-So many people helped me so much.
-
-And honestly, some of the fantasy I told myself,
-
-to survive, helped me make a new friend,
-
-and learn a new favorite sandwich,
-
-and connect with actual peers, like old Jule and April
-
-whom I love and miss so much.

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-I hear the leaves outside
-
-try to spell out favorite season words
-
-autumn or fall.  
-
-Cooler air hits my nose
-
-so glad I'm home.

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-The kindest stranger calls straight to the center of the Universe
-
-to order a sandwich
-
- the best damned sandwich ever dreamed.
-
-For a second she catches the sweetest lie ever,
-
-and mulls around the impossibility.
-
-Do fast food restaurants deliver decadent tastes for free?
-
-And maybe all that has to be done is to ask a question,
-
-one single sentence of hopefulness,
-
-deep in the weirdest place any wings ever landed, 
-
-there was so much of this wild act of kindness offering.   
-
-for Josh

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-Most people talk about psychotic
-
-as a pure negative,
-
-and everyone seems to have a psychotic ex girlfriend,
-
-but when I was psychotic, 
-
-everyone agreed, 
-
-I was so sweet.
-
-
-When Black Elk spoke of "the holy stick that was a tree"
-
-when Black Elk spoke of a man who turned into a bison and ran away
-
-when Black Elk became eagle,
-
-Black Elk was as psychotic as me.
-
-And in his psychosis, 
-
-he found a tool to healing,
-
-he found a vision drawn on the sand,
-
-a map that told him where to go.  
-
-
-

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-I have progressively been getting to feel better, and I think they are going to give me my Medicare back soon without much more fight.  I don't understand the math of why a mood stabilizer was the difference between me and psychotic me, but I think the prolonged high mood/ or mania I was undergoing simultaneously played a part.  
-
-I am also still grateful I get to be River's Way's fundraiser, especially since I have a lot of new friends in there.  I miss my friends from the psych ward, and it could have been much worse without their kind support.  I really couldn't think up a better place to meet _likeminded individuals_.  It is a joke, but also true.  

removed
diff --git a/posts/Wrote_for_Something_Else__44___thought_I__39__d_share.mdwn b/posts/Wrote_for_Something_Else__44___thought_I__39__d_share.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index 2a3a00d..0000000
--- a/posts/Wrote_for_Something_Else__44___thought_I__39__d_share.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,7 +0,0 @@
-I have a mental illness, but usually I am seen as fairly normal.  A couple weeks ago, I had to spend a week in a mental ward of a hospital because of a need for medical adjustment that left me psychotic.  All of my friends and family gathered trying to figure out my affairs, since I had been successfully managing my medications by myself for 15 years without need for hospitalization.  
-
-If I started feeling the woe of the loss that can come with the stigma and extreme difference of place and also disorientation of psychosis, I would lose too much.  Instead, I actually look with fondness at the time I had in psychotic break.  I don't want to return to psychosis, but when I read Black Elk Speaks, I learned a different perspective about becoming detached from reality.  
-
-I learned that psychosis can come as a visionary answer and can bring new perspectives.  Everyone said I was sweet in the mental ward and during the time that lead to my hospitalization.  And actually that is one major take away I am coming to.  Psychosis does not have to be horrific or scary for the people who see it.  
-
-As Americans and citizens of the world, we need to remodel how we perceive psychosis.  We can't forget to see what can be quite beautiful, and we shouldn't become so romantic about it that we forget to know the pain.  The best approach is always to compassionately move forward.  So I call my works "Guided Psychosis" with all of that in mind.   Every day I see images in the natural world that speak a different sort of language to me.  If you want to see a unique and special world, just go into nature with an open heart.  Just write a poem.  Just trust something that otherwise seems strange.  

removed
diff --git a/posts/Wild_Coincidence.mdwn b/posts/Wild_Coincidence.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index cc9b143..0000000
--- a/posts/Wild_Coincidence.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,78 +0,0 @@
-In the legend of the crow, if you are kind to a crow all the crows become your friend, and someday you might find it is a crow that looks out for you.  
-
-Yesterday, we helped a tiny bit with Joey's sumac processing, then swam in the Clinch River.  On the way there and back, the Suzuki hit a rock in the long driveway.  We also hiked and saw Joey's massive water system.  Impressed, we headed home, bumping one more rock on our way down the drive.  
-
-We started towards home, the way I like to go, not knowing the road to 11 was closed and there was a detour of sorts.  When we got to the end of the road, where the markers blocked further travel, we knew something was wrong with a tire.  
-
-I was driving, with Mom in the passenger seat.  I pulled over onto what locals call War Road, otherwise known as Clinch Valley Road and later on down it is Robinette Valley.  We each got out when I parked and I noticed the huge hissing gash in the tire.  
-
-We then found no cell reception for calling Joey or AAA.  We packed up getting ready to walk somewhere, when I heard a car traveling our way up War road.  I know about one person in Hancock county, Joey, and about another in Hawkins, a Sierra Club veteran named Bill McCabe.  Would you believe he was the first person who showed up at the scene?  
-
-And he helped like crazy.  I hopped in the back of his pickup, while Mom "guarded" the car.  He took me to the dump, where another saving grace, Bo Mullins, agreed he would replace our tire.  With him came a woman who gave us her spare tire since our donut lacked the right number of bolt holes.  
-
-I was a little ready to be home, but considering everything, we lucked out like crazy, meeting my one friend as the first person we saw.  I couldn't believe the generosity of all the people involved.  Then we were told we could take a different way home to avoid highways until we got to the Gate City Highway.  So we took what they called War Creek Road all the way to Harper's Ferry.  
-
-Ages ago, I met Bill McCabe in like 2006 when I was living in Hannah Morgan's house in Appalachia Virginia, and she threw a party to introduce a bunch of friends to eachother.  Then I got to know him more, when he asked me to hold the other side of his clear sign opposing the Virginia City Coal Fired Power Plant.  
-
-He is one of the best people I possibly could have met in the road, and I am glad I knew him back then, and hope he is unscathed after helping us so much.  
-
-I also am so so grateful for Bo Mullins and the woman who gave us her spare.
-
-
-
-Late Summer, Waters Stay Warm
-
-
-We were going to harvest sumac,
-
-to scrape chaff from wheat
-
-until our hands dyed red.
-
-But Joey was easy going
-
-so we drove down to the Clinch
-
-to swim in a river whirl pool.
-
-
-
-Joey and I swam almost all the way across
-
-through deep waters
-
-and hugged rocks under breaking currents
-
-for a while, while Mom guarded bank glasses
-
-and mulled through mussels.
-
-Passing back was easier.
-
-
-
-Currents behind our backs,
-
-we made ourselves into boats.
-
-Then in the car, 
-
-two great birds glided in front of us
-
-up towards Joey’s holler.  
-
-Little green and great blue.  
-
-
-
-Somewhere deep in her tides
-
-scarlet sumac powder
-
-still settles 
-
-upon some of the richest 
-
-diversity of fresh water mussels 
-
-on this Earth.  

removed
diff --git a/posts/What_Mood_Stabilizers_Feel_Like.mdwn b/posts/What_Mood_Stabilizers_Feel_Like.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index 0f09b54..0000000
--- a/posts/What_Mood_Stabilizers_Feel_Like.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,11 +0,0 @@
-I used to be purely in favor of doing whatever the doctor wanted without question.  Considering part of what messed up with my mental health was that I took myself off a medication that was hurting my liver, though we didn't know that yet, I no longer am trying to go against doctor's orders anymore.  But I am not blindly loyal to the medicine either.  The new medication I was put on is a mood stabilizer.  My mood generally tends towards mania, and now on this medication I have been napping constantly and very low mood lately.  I had been spending lots of time exercising, including swimming, prior to hospitalization.  Lately, I have trouble finding motivation to do much of anything.  Psychosis and mania are pretty extreme emotions.  It takes a pretty strong drug to bring me out of these moods I experienced.  So adjusting to it seems to be something that is going to take time.  On the bright side, I have noticed that exercise is the very thing that I can count on to boost my spirits, and end the gloomy feelings.  I walked about an hour and half today, walking my dog, walking to my volunteer activity, walking at my volunteer activity, walking back to my car.  So I feel a bit better.  Hopefully I will remember that the exercise is necessary for the happiness, and hopefully I can motivate myself to swim or walk lots every day, and some yoga maybe.  
-
-In the sadder times, I find new revelations too.  I find that I like Kim's Convenience.  I find that I feel better when I eat grapes and vegetables and other foods listed to help hurt liver.  I also find that I have as much sorrow around this illness as I have gratitude for my supportive people and helpful medical people and pets.  There are times when I barely can sit on my front porch because it feels exposed and I feel embarrassed about how I was when ill.  Also, how many people do you know who really understand the first thing about schizoaffective disorder type bipolar reality?  Or do you think people understand disability?  I have been fighting uphill battles for my medicare and medicaid and disability and I think, no, people generally are stupid.  Sorry people.  There is a huge unwillingness to talk about what has happened to me in general, which honestly is part on my end, because I don't need to explain things to friends who might want to help but end up sometimes doing more harm with their stigma.  Then there is a friend who really seems to gaslight me every chance she gets, a friend who it feels like I will always have to have as a friend because she is so close to people I love and I love her too.  Life is complicated, yes.  People feel fake sometimes.  People are uneducated definitely and hilariously unprofessional.  
-
-I start keeping a log of unprofessional professionals just for humor.  I call my health insurance company to see if I was re-added after wrongfully being terminated.  On the other side of the phone line, a woman is very anxiously telling me the story of her living close to the shore and how afraid she is of Dorian coming to her, and how she needs to stock up on water, but likely won't get it in time, and her roommate brother drinks her stuff but won't share his large stash of water with her and her baby.  She is going on and on.  I have her on speaker phone and my Mom hears and we just are kind of open mouthed in awe.  So I ask the most human question I can think up.  I say, could you refill some refillable containers.  She doesn't seem to be on the same page.  She says she would have to buy them first.  I am thinking reusable recyclables like old milk jugs.  About ten minutes in I feel I have maybe helped calm her a little, but the problem is, I need her help.  
-
-This reminds me of the second least professional professional I have noted this month, a case worker who needed to tell me my tastes in Literature are insufficient.  I have canceled my follow up appointment since I don't need a case manager after all.  But this guy asks me to tell him a favorite author.  I guess when I am getting my professional help, I don't like going off topic.  But I list 2 poets, Mary Oliver and Rumi.  I could have said a lot of others, with varying cultures.  Anyway, the case worker then starts talking down American writers, saying I am like his wife who also likes American writers.  He likes British writers and names ones I really am uninterested in.  I don't mention that Rumi is a sufi mystic (from Afghanistan).  
-
-I mean I actually think it is fine for a professional to share personal details, but I was so withdrawn and forlorn and shocked about the whole hospitalization thing.  Professionals should be tuned in enough to their clients to perceive these emotions.  Maybe save sharing personal opinions and tragedies for, well after the caller mentions why she called, or after you feel the client genuinely might have warmed up to you?
-
-I am resilient.  I hope I can figure out how to adjust to the mood stabilizers and all the crap I am dealing with as I used to feel I could do so well.   

diff --git a/posts/What_Mood_Stabilizers_Feel_Like.mdwn b/posts/What_Mood_Stabilizers_Feel_Like.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0f09b54
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/What_Mood_Stabilizers_Feel_Like.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+I used to be purely in favor of doing whatever the doctor wanted without question.  Considering part of what messed up with my mental health was that I took myself off a medication that was hurting my liver, though we didn't know that yet, I no longer am trying to go against doctor's orders anymore.  But I am not blindly loyal to the medicine either.  The new medication I was put on is a mood stabilizer.  My mood generally tends towards mania, and now on this medication I have been napping constantly and very low mood lately.  I had been spending lots of time exercising, including swimming, prior to hospitalization.  Lately, I have trouble finding motivation to do much of anything.  Psychosis and mania are pretty extreme emotions.  It takes a pretty strong drug to bring me out of these moods I experienced.  So adjusting to it seems to be something that is going to take time.  On the bright side, I have noticed that exercise is the very thing that I can count on to boost my spirits, and end the gloomy feelings.  I walked about an hour and half today, walking my dog, walking to my volunteer activity, walking at my volunteer activity, walking back to my car.  So I feel a bit better.  Hopefully I will remember that the exercise is necessary for the happiness, and hopefully I can motivate myself to swim or walk lots every day, and some yoga maybe.  
+
+In the sadder times, I find new revelations too.  I find that I like Kim's Convenience.  I find that I feel better when I eat grapes and vegetables and other foods listed to help hurt liver.  I also find that I have as much sorrow around this illness as I have gratitude for my supportive people and helpful medical people and pets.  There are times when I barely can sit on my front porch because it feels exposed and I feel embarrassed about how I was when ill.  Also, how many people do you know who really understand the first thing about schizoaffective disorder type bipolar reality?  Or do you think people understand disability?  I have been fighting uphill battles for my medicare and medicaid and disability and I think, no, people generally are stupid.  Sorry people.  There is a huge unwillingness to talk about what has happened to me in general, which honestly is part on my end, because I don't need to explain things to friends who might want to help but end up sometimes doing more harm with their stigma.  Then there is a friend who really seems to gaslight me every chance she gets, a friend who it feels like I will always have to have as a friend because she is so close to people I love and I love her too.  Life is complicated, yes.  People feel fake sometimes.  People are uneducated definitely and hilariously unprofessional.  
+
+I start keeping a log of unprofessional professionals just for humor.  I call my health insurance company to see if I was re-added after wrongfully being terminated.  On the other side of the phone line, a woman is very anxiously telling me the story of her living close to the shore and how afraid she is of Dorian coming to her, and how she needs to stock up on water, but likely won't get it in time, and her roommate brother drinks her stuff but won't share his large stash of water with her and her baby.  She is going on and on.  I have her on speaker phone and my Mom hears and we just are kind of open mouthed in awe.  So I ask the most human question I can think up.  I say, could you refill some refillable containers.  She doesn't seem to be on the same page.  She says she would have to buy them first.  I am thinking reusable recyclables like old milk jugs.  About ten minutes in I feel I have maybe helped calm her a little, but the problem is, I need her help.  
+
+This reminds me of the second least professional professional I have noted this month, a case worker who needed to tell me my tastes in Literature are insufficient.  I have canceled my follow up appointment since I don't need a case manager after all.  But this guy asks me to tell him a favorite author.  I guess when I am getting my professional help, I don't like going off topic.  But I list 2 poets, Mary Oliver and Rumi.  I could have said a lot of others, with varying cultures.  Anyway, the case worker then starts talking down American writers, saying I am like his wife who also likes American writers.  He likes British writers and names ones I really am uninterested in.  I don't mention that Rumi is a sufi mystic (from Afghanistan).  
+
+I mean I actually think it is fine for a professional to share personal details, but I was so withdrawn and forlorn and shocked about the whole hospitalization thing.  Professionals should be tuned in enough to their clients to perceive these emotions.  Maybe save sharing personal opinions and tragedies for, well after the caller mentions why she called, or after you feel the client genuinely might have warmed up to you?
+
+I am resilient.  I hope I can figure out how to adjust to the mood stabilizers and all the crap I am dealing with as I used to feel I could do so well.   

diff --git a/posts/Wild_Coincidence.mdwn b/posts/Wild_Coincidence.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cc9b143
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/Wild_Coincidence.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,78 @@
+In the legend of the crow, if you are kind to a crow all the crows become your friend, and someday you might find it is a crow that looks out for you.  
+
+Yesterday, we helped a tiny bit with Joey's sumac processing, then swam in the Clinch River.  On the way there and back, the Suzuki hit a rock in the long driveway.  We also hiked and saw Joey's massive water system.  Impressed, we headed home, bumping one more rock on our way down the drive.  
+
+We started towards home, the way I like to go, not knowing the road to 11 was closed and there was a detour of sorts.  When we got to the end of the road, where the markers blocked further travel, we knew something was wrong with a tire.  
+
+I was driving, with Mom in the passenger seat.  I pulled over onto what locals call War Road, otherwise known as Clinch Valley Road and later on down it is Robinette Valley.  We each got out when I parked and I noticed the huge hissing gash in the tire.  
+
+We then found no cell reception for calling Joey or AAA.  We packed up getting ready to walk somewhere, when I heard a car traveling our way up War road.  I know about one person in Hancock county, Joey, and about another in Hawkins, a Sierra Club veteran named Bill McCabe.  Would you believe he was the first person who showed up at the scene?  
+
+And he helped like crazy.  I hopped in the back of his pickup, while Mom "guarded" the car.  He took me to the dump, where another saving grace, Bo Mullins, agreed he would replace our tire.  With him came a woman who gave us her spare tire since our donut lacked the right number of bolt holes.  
+
+I was a little ready to be home, but considering everything, we lucked out like crazy, meeting my one friend as the first person we saw.  I couldn't believe the generosity of all the people involved.  Then we were told we could take a different way home to avoid highways until we got to the Gate City Highway.  So we took what they called War Creek Road all the way to Harper's Ferry.  
+
+Ages ago, I met Bill McCabe in like 2006 when I was living in Hannah Morgan's house in Appalachia Virginia, and she threw a party to introduce a bunch of friends to eachother.  Then I got to know him more, when he asked me to hold the other side of his clear sign opposing the Virginia City Coal Fired Power Plant.  
+
+He is one of the best people I possibly could have met in the road, and I am glad I knew him back then, and hope he is unscathed after helping us so much.  
+
+I also am so so grateful for Bo Mullins and the woman who gave us her spare.
+
+
+
+Late Summer, Waters Stay Warm
+
+
+We were going to harvest sumac,
+
+to scrape chaff from wheat
+
+until our hands dyed red.
+
+But Joey was easy going
+
+so we drove down to the Clinch
+
+to swim in a river whirl pool.
+
+
+
+Joey and I swam almost all the way across
+
+through deep waters
+
+and hugged rocks under breaking currents
+
+for a while, while Mom guarded bank glasses
+
+and mulled through mussels.
+
+Passing back was easier.
+
+
+
+Currents behind our backs,
+
+we made ourselves into boats.
+
+Then in the car, 
+
+two great birds glided in front of us
+
+up towards Joey’s holler.  
+
+Little green and great blue.  
+
+
+
+Somewhere deep in her tides
+
+scarlet sumac powder
+
+still settles 
+
+upon some of the richest 
+
+diversity of fresh water mussels 
+
+on this Earth.  

diff --git a/posts/Wrote_for_Something_Else__44___thought_I__39__d_share.mdwn b/posts/Wrote_for_Something_Else__44___thought_I__39__d_share.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2a3a00d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/Wrote_for_Something_Else__44___thought_I__39__d_share.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,7 @@
+I have a mental illness, but usually I am seen as fairly normal.  A couple weeks ago, I had to spend a week in a mental ward of a hospital because of a need for medical adjustment that left me psychotic.  All of my friends and family gathered trying to figure out my affairs, since I had been successfully managing my medications by myself for 15 years without need for hospitalization.  
+
+If I started feeling the woe of the loss that can come with the stigma and extreme difference of place and also disorientation of psychosis, I would lose too much.  Instead, I actually look with fondness at the time I had in psychotic break.  I don't want to return to psychosis, but when I read Black Elk Speaks, I learned a different perspective about becoming detached from reality.  
+
+I learned that psychosis can come as a visionary answer and can bring new perspectives.  Everyone said I was sweet in the mental ward and during the time that lead to my hospitalization.  And actually that is one major take away I am coming to.  Psychosis does not have to be horrific or scary for the people who see it.  
+
+As Americans and citizens of the world, we need to remodel how we perceive psychosis.  We can't forget to see what can be quite beautiful, and we shouldn't become so romantic about it that we forget to know the pain.  The best approach is always to compassionately move forward.  So I call my works "Guided Psychosis" with all of that in mind.   Every day I see images in the natural world that speak a different sort of language to me.  If you want to see a unique and special world, just go into nature with an open heart.  Just write a poem.  Just trust something that otherwise seems strange.  

diff --git a/posts/How_I_am_Feeling.mdwn b/posts/How_I_am_Feeling.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..51ae7e9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/How_I_am_Feeling.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+I have progressively been getting to feel better, and I think they are going to give me my Medicare back soon without much more fight.  I don't understand the math of why a mood stabilizer was the difference between me and psychotic me, but I think the prolonged high mood/ or mania I was undergoing simultaneously played a part.  
+
+I am also still grateful I get to be River's Way's fundraiser, especially since I have a lot of new friends in there.  I miss my friends from the psych ward, and it could have been much worse without their kind support.  I really couldn't think up a better place to meet _likeminded individuals_.  It is a joke, but also true.  

diff --git a/posts/When_I_was_Psychotic.mdwn b/posts/When_I_was_Psychotic.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a293142
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/When_I_was_Psychotic.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,31 @@
+Most people talk about psychotic
+
+as a pure negative,
+
+and everyone seems to have a psychotic ex girlfriend,
+
+but when I was psychotic, 
+
+everyone agreed, 
+
+I was so sweet.
+
+
+When Black Elk spoke of "the holy stick that was a tree"
+
+when Black Elk spoke of a man who turned into a bison and ran away
+
+when Black Elk became eagle,
+
+Black Elk was as psychotic as me.
+
+And in his psychosis, 
+
+he found a tool to healing,
+
+he found a vision drawn on the sand,
+
+a map that told him where to go.  
+
+
+

diff --git a/posts/Sandwich_Delivery.mdwn b/posts/Sandwich_Delivery.mdwn
index ac1859b..993b540 100644
--- a/posts/Sandwich_Delivery.mdwn
+++ b/posts/Sandwich_Delivery.mdwn
@@ -2,7 +2,7 @@ The kindest stranger calls straight to the center of the Universe
 
 to order a sandwich
 
-- the best damned sandwich ever dreamed.
+ the best damned sandwich ever dreamed.
 
 For a second she catches the sweetest lie ever,
 

diff --git a/posts/Sandwich_Delivery.mdwn b/posts/Sandwich_Delivery.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ac1859b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/Sandwich_Delivery.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,21 @@
+The kindest stranger calls straight to the center of the Universe
+
+to order a sandwich
+
+- the best damned sandwich ever dreamed.
+
+For a second she catches the sweetest lie ever,
+
+and mulls around the impossibility.
+
+Do fast food restaurants deliver decadent tastes for free?
+
+And maybe all that has to be done is to ask a question,
+
+one single sentence of hopefulness,
+
+deep in the weirdest place any wings ever landed, 
+
+there was so much of this wild act of kindness offering.   
+
+for Josh

diff --git a/posts/Poems_should_be_Shorter__44___so....mdwn b/posts/Poems_should_be_Shorter__44___so....mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9a7f60c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/Poems_should_be_Shorter__44___so....mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,9 @@
+I hear the leaves outside
+
+try to spell out favorite season words
+
+autumn or fall.  
+
+Cooler air hits my nose
+
+so glad I'm home.

diff --git a/posts/In_the_Uncontrollable_.mdwn b/posts/In_the_Uncontrollable_.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9fc6712
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/In_the_Uncontrollable_.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,83 @@
+In the uncontrollable moments the doctor called psychosis,
+
+my mind wants to know what is happening,
+
+so it makes up a very complicated story 
+
+that I believe until the medicines kick in,
+
+I'm in love with a gay man,
+
+I'm a rubber band ball passing through itself,
+
+like two shooting stars
+
+that will just meet in one strange place,
+
+and the world is beautiful and dark,
+
+until a nurse cracks the door to make sure I'm sleeping,
+
+every 15 minutes they make rounds,
+
+until I pull one inside of my rubber band ball,
+
+and meet father christmas
+
+somewhere in my deep beliefs.
+
+I didn't want to be this way
+
+but at least they said I was sweet this time.
+
+All my family and friends pretending my notes didn't hurt their ears,
+
+playing songs on the recorder on the old front porch,
+
+with my most faithful people lying flat on the floor
+
+to keep me locked in, in front of the door,
+
+mental illness isn't done for the drama,
+
+I just was stuck a little too deep in a dream,
+
+and the longer I stayed up
+
+it took me over entirely
+
+like a run on sentence that would never end.
+
+The nurses swore to me the only thing that could help me then
+
+was the sedatives and strong medicines they shot me with.
+
+I whined at them and said I wasn't hurting anybody,
+
+but I know the nurses always did the best thing for me.
+
+When I used to get psychotic, 
+
+it was the worst thing that ever happened.
+
+Now I just want to be stable,
+
+but I am no longer attached to control or afraid of my illness.
+
+I wanted to go forever without returning there,
+
+but I was glad to see improvements when I had to go,
+
+and so many people stepped up for me, so high.
+
+So many people helped me so much.
+
+And honestly, some of the fantasy I told myself,
+
+to survive, helped me make a new friend,
+
+and learn a new favorite sandwich,
+
+and connect with actual peers, like old Jule and April
+
+whom I love and miss so much.

diff --git a/posts/Being_Highly_Functioning_Can_be_Hard__44___but_I_Volunteer.mdwn b/posts/Being_Highly_Functioning_Can_be_Hard__44___but_I_Volunteer.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..04e0790
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/Being_Highly_Functioning_Can_be_Hard__44___but_I_Volunteer.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,12 @@
+https://www.riversway.org/
+
+River's Way needs your donation to keep growing and being amazing!  I donated just 5 dollars, but if you could think about supporting this very worthy nonprofit organization to help people of differing abilities contribute to their communities, I would love you forever!
+
+River's Way of Bristol, TN is very active as an organization.  We have 12 programs and services that we offer inclusively to community members.  The hospital cafeteria is one site where youth and young adults with disabilities can learn workforce skills.  We work in two garden sites: the Vance Community Garden behind Vance Middle School in Bristol TN and the hoop houses we operate on the grounds of Central Christian Church in Bristol TN.   River's Way worked with Bristol Tennessee City Schools and with Bristol Virginia Public Schools to establish Cafe Central in December 2015.  Our primary goal is to give students with disabilities the opportunity to develop workforce skills.   
+The YMCA after school program at the Bristol Family YMCA works with an average of 8-15 youth with disabilities per day and runs from 2-5 p.m. each day, Monday-Thursday.   (I regularly have started participating in the YMCA activities.  They are so much fun!)  The National Center on Health, Physical Activity and Disability promotes walking as the number one physical activity for people of all abilities including those in wheel chairs.  The Bristol Public Library hosts our Book Club every Monday from 9:30-11:30 in the Teen Space of the Bristol Public Library.    The River’s Way 2019 summer day camp for youth and young adults with differing abilities will run for seven weeks from June 3rd- July 26th.  River’s Way teams with student volunteers from Emory and Henry College to host three respite weekends per semester (Fall and Spring) with youth and young adults with disabilities. River's Way provides portable team building programs to local area schools with an emphasis on team skills and workforce development.    We offer half-day, full-day, and occasional overnight programs.  Activities include hiking, disk golf, and bouldering (rock climbing).   Theater provides a great opportunity for youth and young adults with disabilities to show how they can contribute to our community. Each year, Theatre Bristol provides River's Way participants with a chance to perform a play.   River's Way partners with the YMCA of Bristol and Tennessee High School Lady Vikings to offer a unique basketball program to youth and young adults of all abilities.  
+
+Being in a period of adjustment after my time in the hospital, the staff and everyone at River's Way didn't begrudge me at all.  They told me I could come participate and volunteer any day I wanted.  I am proud to have a truly inclusive group in my area.  
+
+So don't forget to donate a little to keep this all going at River's Way!
+
+  

diff --git a/posts/So_Glad_for_what_I_have_in_life.mdwn b/posts/So_Glad_for_what_I_have_in_life.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b5ac5aa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/So_Glad_for_what_I_have_in_life.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
+I imagine there were others in the mental ward, non-nurses or doctors, with four year degrees.  But it made me kind of proud and humbled that I achieved some of the things I have in my life inspite of a mental diagnosis.  
+
+I felt very much like Siddhartha might have felt when he left the privileged place where he was raised and went out to walk with the people.  
+
+I never in my life would have not allowed me to get the degree - my greatest achievement.  It was a goal that I set and made half the world struggle with me as I went out like the most determined person in the world to get it.  It was so so hard to fight for that 4 year degree in 12 long hard years.  But I made a lot of friends along the way.  
+
+My friends in the mental ward had parole officers, had done wrong things I know I never would do, had been violent or done drugs or hurt themselves.  I am not better than them.  But I made my strife for something different.  I made my fight for something else.  It was for 12 years a degree.  
+
+Now I am volunteering for River's Way.  I want to help them get better donations so they might help more people.  I had other goals, that feel as if they might have been lofty.  I wanted to work and take complete control of my life, to be 100 percent independent.  Now having seen what I saw in the ward, I know I don't have to.  
+
+I have so much more family and friends, in the deepest most wonderful beloved way than any of the people I know, even the nurses.  I come from a place of pure helping, and for just a while I would like just to try a little bit harder to be a little bit more grateful in everything I do.
+
+I have been listening to Joe Purdy's Children of Privilege.  And it occurs to me oddly that I think I met this man who sings my tune.  Once long ago in Berea he might have visited Rheldi Purdy or I am wrong, but if it was him, it could have been because he apparently has Fayetteville connections.  
+
+My brother Joey helped me so much.  And then if I start naming everyone I just get so many names down and it gets boring on paper to look at.  My own professor guide even called me in there and I got to talk to her beautiful husband.  I am just so blessed.

removed
diff --git a/posts/Fuck_Disability.mdwn b/posts/Fuck_Disability.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index e07528d..0000000
--- a/posts/Fuck_Disability.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,8 +0,0 @@
-I am quitting this disability nonsense that so kindly got offered to me long ago, due to a real illness and I am rolling up my sleeves and diving into endless work, at my own determined will.  
-
-As such, I have determined I have 2 potential career trajectories, odd jobs and teaching creative writing is the one that I am currently on.  But it doesn't pay much at all, so I am adding a trajectory to aim for with future schooling which I think is gonna be Occupational Therapy.  
-
-I believe in helping disabled people SO MUCH.  And this is why I am writing you.  If I could be an unpaid intern for you or a volunteer I would scoop it up and pour my heart into it, doing anything you can think of that I can do.  Will you please come up with some unpaid work for me so I can train for this new life I am heading towards?
-
-In the Light,
-Maggie

removed
diff --git a/posts/Can_Can.mdwn b/posts/Can_Can.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index 542ad9a..0000000
--- a/posts/Can_Can.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,7 +0,0 @@
-If you find yourself walking down the field of I can’t,
-
-smash the pumpkins and get the heck out!
-
-Run and scream to the garden of can
-
-and plant the seeds in a hard metal can.  

removed
diff --git a/posts/dark_side_of_the_ruin.mdwn b/posts/dark_side_of_the_ruin.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index 6a02eca..0000000
--- a/posts/dark_side_of_the_ruin.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,7 +0,0 @@
-There really is no
-
-reason for me to be kicked off disability.
-
-Consistency is the problem.
-
-I must solve it before my disability is justly revoked.  

removed
diff --git a/posts/changing_my_pet_name_for_myself.mdwn b/posts/changing_my_pet_name_for_myself.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index 40cece8..0000000
--- a/posts/changing_my_pet_name_for_myself.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,3 +0,0 @@
-Genteel Consistency Hess Voice
-
-Swam 4 days in a row, maybe 5?

removed
diff --git a/posts/god__44___make_me_instrumental_to_the_Capital_G.mdwn b/posts/god__44___make_me_instrumental_to_the_Capital_G.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index d23bf4b..0000000
--- a/posts/god__44___make_me_instrumental_to_the_Capital_G.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,4 +0,0 @@
-and thank you for not offending those without a Pew.  thank you God for flowers, thank you for music and life.  I am a preacher, let this music pray!!!
-
-
-new tune

removed
diff --git a/posts/Panama.mdwn b/posts/Panama.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index 3925600..0000000
--- a/posts/Panama.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1 +0,0 @@
-will always be here.  sometime I will.  A man ap is Panama  backwards.

removed
diff --git a/posts/lgoician.mdwn b/posts/lgoician.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index 547c6c7..0000000
--- a/posts/lgoician.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,7 +0,0 @@
-spell logician
-
-no underline
-
-say you are one
-
-wonder what it bees

removed
diff --git a/posts/Frustration.mdwn b/posts/Frustration.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index b697725..0000000
--- a/posts/Frustration.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,7 +0,0 @@
-frustration may help something
-
-anger may too
-
-sow out your harrowing sorrow 
-
-in rhymes 

removed
diff --git a/posts/paradoxical.mdwn b/posts/paradoxical.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index 7068c24..0000000
--- a/posts/paradoxical.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,18 +0,0 @@
-i
-
-a
-m
-
-not
-
-ready
-
-to write
-
-a
-
-poem 
-
-about 
-
-u

removed
diff --git a/posts/jOEYS_NAME_DEARIE.mdwn b/posts/jOEYS_NAME_DEARIE.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index bb1e227..0000000
--- a/posts/jOEYS_NAME_DEARIE.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,36 +0,0 @@
-was always so much softer.  If coming home is gentle rain let you write one one more.  And never say another word baby baby.  honey joy little ting.  
-
-Joey tells the humor like a wicket stock marketer I lovd more than my own little pee wee old brain..
-
-It's still ok.
-
-I am all better.  It was the medicine of life teaching me that Dans steal joy with attitude.  The old sassy Dan at Bloom cafe or some other dumb old free food establishment.  
-
-I loved Emily harder than lifes gust.  But Thunder said she NEVER WULD EVER LET ME WASH HER DAMN OLD DISHES BECAYSE she hates myl it le gut head for being a thing of thinner beauty than her rosy round old hearth.  
-
-Tha joke is inthe little old mistpellings.
-
-Flowers grow like rboken lillies, old Joey laughs and rumbles a big fart for Jerremiah who blos a wink at the log
-
-the old lover Dani humms like a cat of job joy,  but you have to be still honey and do the love thing and than thank your sweet sturip nieghbors then refuse free blog service more too much time to her the little sweet hen who loves her woonded egglet baby.
-
-She's a drop of sweet sugar in the old milk is all.
-
-True love hurts so so hard.  
-
-don't tell old onley onley oney.  The old liar ok?  lovie.  baby.  SSSSShhhhhhhh   lit light makes e 
-
-me all messy Wrenny old Anna is still lumbering away in the love harvest.  
-
-Leave it up for one week 
-
-take it down with a comb.
-
-
-I had to delete my phone forver.  Had to have a better damn phone to call the lad
-
-Landline already works baby 
-
-huss hussy baby  sweet sillly starlight poem
-
-I won't tell Joey.

removed
diff --git a/posts/a_last_entry_for_clear_eyed_doctors_and_other_sheep_babes.mdwn b/posts/a_last_entry_for_clear_eyed_doctors_and_other_sheep_babes.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index d5e07a6..0000000
--- a/posts/a_last_entry_for_clear_eyed_doctors_and_other_sheep_babes.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1 +0,0 @@
-I am all right.  I had a little manic hick up.  It was the sweetest dimple to eat out a dog wolfie.  Don't try to untie the old thing.  It goes on for ever elfie boy, little old Gable.  Honey!

removed
diff --git a/posts/Trying_for_a_clear_sentence_Ed_old_Davis.__.mdwn b/posts/Trying_for_a_clear_sentence_Ed_old_Davis.__.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index 8146e67..0000000
--- a/posts/Trying_for_a_clear_sentence_Ed_old_Davis.__.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1 +0,0 @@
-You are the best teacher though.  You yearned to leave me knowledge so hard that some magic happened and one tiny spell changing stuck like a tick on the old butt of it all friendie.  

removed
diff --git a/posts/All_the_notes_of_songs_rise_like.mdwn b/posts/All_the_notes_of_songs_rise_like.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index 8f9b9ad..0000000
--- a/posts/All_the_notes_of_songs_rise_like.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,40 +0,0 @@
-mystic fireflies
-
-the dawn puts down all the Poetry 
-
-like an old limp rag I had to clean forever with.
-
-But I can keep one more good poem.  
-
-But just one one more bye.
-
-I tried to be normal all my damned life.  
-
-It was hard to be a magical person who whistled at Africa but sang home so hard it rained when tears gathered.
-
-I met a new friend and he is a good one.  So I kept him though.  
-
-I don't hurt little people or big people.  
-
-I feel like a little trembling rabbit near him.
-
-It helps to see him hop off all sassy, 
-like a fox or wolf.  
-
-But unseal garlic Anna.  
-
-Stop trying to kiss the moon baby Tina lovie.  
-
-I loved my neighbor Tina the best, but 
-Charlie was somehow the best neighbor, 
-always singing in love on the old porch so rainy.
-
-I thanked a nonmentionable friend who was scandilous and wicken.  
-
-Not enough though.
-
-And I told only one little lie love.  
-
-So don't read anymore here.  
-
-You hurt too much.  

removed
diff --git a/posts/ella_falla_falla_alla.mdwn b/posts/ella_falla_falla_alla.mdwn
deleted file mode 100644
index e0b1925..0000000
--- a/posts/ella_falla_falla_alla.mdwn
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1 +0,0 @@
-Megan Cadwallader Napora was the name I first heard uttered, maybe but the last to love me more than I her.  We danced too long, under the old star stars like babes in our old misses arms.  I love that baby so much.  She was the best friend I ever knew but I never owned her rainy eyes or called her too much.  She loves me mre than lfe but I love her more too.  It's peace in the valley ken planted in that old seed.  

diff --git a/posts/out_of_hospital.mdwn b/posts/out_of_hospital.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..51e5ec4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/out_of_hospital.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,4 @@
+I was impressed by the loving care that brought me to the hospital for my mental breakdown and was treated very well inside there.  Thank you to all of my new friends from 5 East.  
+
+Love,
+Maggie

diff --git a/posts/All_the_notes_of_songs_rise_like.mdwn b/posts/All_the_notes_of_songs_rise_like.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8f9b9ad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/All_the_notes_of_songs_rise_like.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,40 @@
+mystic fireflies
+
+the dawn puts down all the Poetry 
+
+like an old limp rag I had to clean forever with.
+
+But I can keep one more good poem.  
+
+But just one one more bye.
+
+I tried to be normal all my damned life.  
+
+It was hard to be a magical person who whistled at Africa but sang home so hard it rained when tears gathered.
+
+I met a new friend and he is a good one.  So I kept him though.  
+
+I don't hurt little people or big people.  
+
+I feel like a little trembling rabbit near him.
+
+It helps to see him hop off all sassy, 
+like a fox or wolf.  
+
+But unseal garlic Anna.  
+
+Stop trying to kiss the moon baby Tina lovie.  
+
+I loved my neighbor Tina the best, but 
+Charlie was somehow the best neighbor, 
+always singing in love on the old porch so rainy.
+
+I thanked a nonmentionable friend who was scandilous and wicken.  
+
+Not enough though.
+
+And I told only one little lie love.  
+
+So don't read anymore here.  
+
+You hurt too much.  

diff --git a/posts/Trying_for_a_clear_sentence_Ed_old_Davis.__.mdwn b/posts/Trying_for_a_clear_sentence_Ed_old_Davis.__.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8146e67
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/Trying_for_a_clear_sentence_Ed_old_Davis.__.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+You are the best teacher though.  You yearned to leave me knowledge so hard that some magic happened and one tiny spell changing stuck like a tick on the old butt of it all friendie.  

diff --git a/posts/a_last_entry_for_clear_eyed_doctors_and_other_sheep_babes.mdwn b/posts/a_last_entry_for_clear_eyed_doctors_and_other_sheep_babes.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d5e07a6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/a_last_entry_for_clear_eyed_doctors_and_other_sheep_babes.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+I am all right.  I had a little manic hick up.  It was the sweetest dimple to eat out a dog wolfie.  Don't try to untie the old thing.  It goes on for ever elfie boy, little old Gable.  Honey!

diff --git a/posts/jOEYS_NAME_DEARIE.mdwn b/posts/jOEYS_NAME_DEARIE.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bb1e227
--- /dev/null
+++ b/posts/jOEYS_NAME_DEARIE.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,36 @@
+was always so much softer.  If coming home is gentle rain let you write one one more.  And never say another word baby baby.  honey joy little ting.  
+
+Joey tells the humor like a wicket stock marketer I lovd more than my own little pee wee old brain..
+
+It's still ok.
+
+I am all better.  It was the medicine of life teaching me that Dans steal joy with attitude.  The old sassy Dan at Bloom cafe or some other dumb old free food establishment.  
+
+I loved Emily harder than lifes gust.  But Thunder said she NEVER WULD EVER LET ME WASH HER DAMN OLD DISHES BECAYSE she hates myl it le gut head for being a thing of thinner beauty than her rosy round old hearth.  
+
+Tha joke is inthe little old mistpellings.
+
+Flowers grow like rboken lillies, old Joey laughs and rumbles a big fart for Jerremiah who blos a wink at the log
+
+the old lover Dani humms like a cat of job joy,  but you have to be still honey and do the love thing and than thank your sweet sturip nieghbors then refuse free blog service more too much time to her the little sweet hen who loves her woonded egglet baby.
+
+She's a drop of sweet sugar in the old milk is all.
+
+True love hurts so so hard.  
+
+don't tell old onley onley oney.  The old liar ok?  lovie.  baby.  SSSSShhhhhhhh   lit light makes e 
+
+me all messy Wrenny old Anna is still lumbering away in the love harvest.  
+
+Leave it up for one week 
+
+take it down with a comb.
+
+
+I had to delete my phone forver.  Had to have a better damn phone to call the lad
+
+Landline already works baby 
+
+huss hussy baby  sweet sillly starlight poem
+
+I won't tell Joey.