Recent changes to this wiki:

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 30bd6ed..e15ef65 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -20,10 +20,6 @@
 <iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07QQTTXP4&asins=B07QQTTXP4&linkId=08d7982313571271579ba819ed9d1b1e&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
     </iframe>
 
-<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07FTKH1XW&asins=B07FTKH1XW&linkId=2757667401792f0a2f12fcef7f8c3a06&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
-    </iframe>
-
-
 
 [[!img DSCF5904.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img DSCF5903.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
@@ -697,3 +693,5 @@ At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet fr
 <iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07L6TQ3TW&asins=B07L6TQ3TW&linkId=78bf1c6451698d700147c39b39ab23fb&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
     </iframe>
 
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07FTKH1XW&asins=B07FTKH1XW&linkId=2757667401792f0a2f12fcef7f8c3a06&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 5e90d7b..30bd6ed 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -29,8 +29,40 @@
 [[!img DSCF5903.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 
 
+
+
+
 October 27, 2020
 
+
+The Story of Jule, my Friend
+
+Jule was the nicest person to me in the psychiatric wing of the hospital in the week I spent inside, Jule reached out to me in a special way.  We had a connection I am fond of.  He gave me a contact number for when we got out.  But the hospital staff destroyed all of my contacts as I left.  Everything else they did was nice.  It must have been hospital protocol.  I actually did manage to save one number and have the mailing address of a woman, Kathy.  But I asked her about her contacts, and all of hers were destroyed too.  So no way to contact Jule.  
+
+The thing about Jule though is he said the best place for him was institutionalized.  He came off as a bit crazy.  It was something about his eyes, that would bug out, and he would get lost in thoughts for a long time until somehow he made it back.  I think he wanted to be put in an institution.  But it wasn’t entirely because of his extreme mental illness.  He did have multiple diagnoses including the one I have which itself is disabling.  He needed a place to live safely and life outside the ward was hard for him.  His one place he could live was with an abusive relative, who physically abused him.
+
+He said the place we were, the upstairs of Ballad Hospital in Bristol TN, a wing called 5 East, was the nicest place he ever had been in his life.  
+
+I agreed it was nice.  But he really was including all of the places he ever had been.  
+It was superior to all the places for him.  
+
+I loved 5 East.   The nurses were sweet.  All the staff was nice.  The people were like this wonderful communal family of people who understood.  But I also like my friend’s farm, or the beach, or a peaceful room in my college where I graduated.  Jule was supremely intelligent.  He had graduated programs too.  But 5 East really was the best place he ever had been.  He was very sincere when he told me.
+
+Jule was the one person who looked out for me the most in 5 East.  That person was not a nurse or staff or even a family visitor.
+
+He sat across from me the whole time as I transitioned from psychotic to normal.  He walked me through what I happened to be staring at, a show he liked on television, Ancient Aliens.  
+When I decided to stop being so much a part of the group to transition to life outside, he was the one who came and checked on me where I meditated by myself looking out the big windows at the end of the hall.  When I was angry at the nurses station one time, I asked Jule to go back into the main room, because I wanted space.  He immediately did what I said, despite whatever he himself might have needed.  He talked me through whatever drama I was playing out about my mother, because I was thinking I shouldn’t go back and live with her.  He was a wonderful listener to me.  And having his friendship in that hospital wing felt very protective.  I liked Jule a lot.  In fact I really loved him.  He was one of the best friends I ever have had.  
+
+So a lot of my grief upon leaving 5 East has been that I have to try to stay out of places like that, despite that I adore them.  I decided to be on the normal side of the world.  Jule decided to stay in the more abnormal quarters.  
+
+I miss Jule every day, and wonder where he is, if he is alive, if they got his meds right, if he is ok.  I know he doesn’t have the support necessary to live in the normal world.  I know he is in some institution.  I wish I could see him again.  It really breaks my heart that someone so wonderful, so kind, so smart, will never succeed in the world in standard ways.  
+
+Mental illness is a tragedy in this way.  I myself am not doing the best, often.  But I have some things people like Jule will never have.  But all that I want is to see Jule again, even despite what I have.  I would give so much just to go back to that time, the best time, when I was sitting across from him, waking up from psychosis, and learning how to watch TV.  
+
+ 
+=---==
+
+
 Our family is waging bets regarding the election.  We are just betting for bragging rights, not money.  I think the election will be declared November 3.  Others think much later.   It will be interesting to see when it gets called since it often is called preemptively.   
 
 I am happy with my ads at the top of this.  Please comment if you have something to say about them.  Maybe there should just be 7 and not 14 books advertised?  I might have gone a tad overboard.  But I think it is easy enough to scroll past them.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 9e3b594..5e90d7b 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -23,26 +23,6 @@
 <iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07FTKH1XW&asins=B07FTKH1XW&linkId=2757667401792f0a2f12fcef7f8c3a06&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
     </iframe>
 
-<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07J6BCJCF&asins=B07J6BCJCF&linkId=5b8cbf8039b9c5b87951e86fe8c6e98f&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
-    </iframe>
-
-<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B087SD83SQ&asins=B087SD83SQ&linkId=08c9f8b943030bfc027b67b3d5e2720d&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
-    </iframe>
-
-<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07D6VCYVD&asins=B07D6VCYVD&linkId=72c85f90303011047ac388fef3b3c048&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
-    </iframe>
-
-<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07RSCMGNF&asins=B07RSCMGNF&linkId=7d3893f17ae5f51f9cdb6db56cdf0d08&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
-    </iframe>
-
-<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B00BH2QIR4&asins=B00BH2QIR4&linkId=f7e0a8e62ad7db26a725587b69e658db&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
-    </iframe>
-
-
-<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07L6TQ3TW&asins=B07L6TQ3TW&linkId=78bf1c6451698d700147c39b39ab23fb&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
-    </iframe>
-
-
 
 
 [[!img DSCF5904.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
@@ -664,3 +644,24 @@ I am the kind of person who kind of switches back and forth between introversion
 One of these days I did stop for curbside ice cream kind of impulsively, but I got a terrible earful from my mother when I got home.  Honestly my decision to socially isolate has been for my mother, and to make her happy.  I don't think our relationship with each other is healthy, though, and  I wish I could just go back to normal.  
 
 At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet from people but still see them.  I know I am not the worst case of suffering, and I'm sorry for all of the people who have lost loved ones to covid 19 and who are currently sick and also other mentally ill people like me who are trapped inside.  
+
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07J6BCJCF&asins=B07J6BCJCF&linkId=5b8cbf8039b9c5b87951e86fe8c6e98f&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B087SD83SQ&asins=B087SD83SQ&linkId=08c9f8b943030bfc027b67b3d5e2720d&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07D6VCYVD&asins=B07D6VCYVD&linkId=72c85f90303011047ac388fef3b3c048&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07RSCMGNF&asins=B07RSCMGNF&linkId=7d3893f17ae5f51f9cdb6db56cdf0d08&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B00BH2QIR4&asins=B00BH2QIR4&linkId=f7e0a8e62ad7db26a725587b69e658db&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07L6TQ3TW&asins=B07L6TQ3TW&linkId=78bf1c6451698d700147c39b39ab23fb&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 3343648..9e3b594 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -45,6 +45,9 @@
 
 
 
+[[!img DSCF5904.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5903.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
 
 October 27, 2020
 
@@ -661,14 +664,3 @@ I am the kind of person who kind of switches back and forth between introversion
 One of these days I did stop for curbside ice cream kind of impulsively, but I got a terrible earful from my mother when I got home.  Honestly my decision to socially isolate has been for my mother, and to make her happy.  I don't think our relationship with each other is healthy, though, and  I wish I could just go back to normal.  
 
 At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet from people but still see them.  I know I am not the worst case of suffering, and I'm sorry for all of the people who have lost loved ones to covid 19 and who are currently sick and also other mentally ill people like me who are trapped inside.  
-
-
-
-
-
-
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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 255abf2..3343648 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -43,6 +43,20 @@
     </iframe>
 
 
+
+
+
+October 27, 2020
+
+Our family is waging bets regarding the election.  We are just betting for bragging rights, not money.  I think the election will be declared November 3.  Others think much later.   It will be interesting to see when it gets called since it often is called preemptively.   
+
+I am happy with my ads at the top of this.  Please comment if you have something to say about them.  Maybe there should just be 7 and not 14 books advertised?  I might have gone a tad overboard.  But I think it is easy enough to scroll past them.  
+
+Life marches on.  I am thinking of making an online course.  I started making one in children's book publicaiton but I think I am not going to do it on that.  Is there a subject you would like to learn from me?  Maybe painting?  Or haiku writing?  Feel free to let me know in comments.  
+
+
+
+
 October 24, 2020
 
 Have you ever painted with creek rocks?

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index b415a2a..255abf2 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -38,6 +38,11 @@
 <iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B00BH2QIR4&asins=B00BH2QIR4&linkId=f7e0a8e62ad7db26a725587b69e658db&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
     </iframe>
 
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07L6TQ3TW&asins=B07L6TQ3TW&linkId=78bf1c6451698d700147c39b39ab23fb&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+
 October 24, 2020
 
 Have you ever painted with creek rocks?

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 0b90124..b415a2a 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -26,7 +26,17 @@
 <iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07J6BCJCF&asins=B07J6BCJCF&linkId=5b8cbf8039b9c5b87951e86fe8c6e98f&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
     </iframe>
 
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B087SD83SQ&asins=B087SD83SQ&linkId=08c9f8b943030bfc027b67b3d5e2720d&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07D6VCYVD&asins=B07D6VCYVD&linkId=72c85f90303011047ac388fef3b3c048&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
 
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07RSCMGNF&asins=B07RSCMGNF&linkId=7d3893f17ae5f51f9cdb6db56cdf0d08&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B00BH2QIR4&asins=B00BH2QIR4&linkId=f7e0a8e62ad7db26a725587b69e658db&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
 
 October 24, 2020
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 4e6ef02..0b90124 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -14,6 +14,19 @@
 <iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07RBZ23PS&asins=B07RBZ23PS&linkId=7e658fd43065061ae43371981ff6f14d&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
     </iframe>
 
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07L1C11Z6&asins=B07L1C11Z6&linkId=3c5a353c891c7df121ba91c5072658b0&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07QQTTXP4&asins=B07QQTTXP4&linkId=08d7982313571271579ba819ed9d1b1e&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07FTKH1XW&asins=B07FTKH1XW&linkId=2757667401792f0a2f12fcef7f8c3a06&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07J6BCJCF&asins=B07J6BCJCF&linkId=5b8cbf8039b9c5b87951e86fe8c6e98f&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+
 
 October 24, 2020
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index fdc4e4d..4e6ef02 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -15,10 +15,6 @@
     </iframe>
 
 
-October 26, 2020
-
-https://www.audible.com/pd/B08L8M7KHN/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-219781&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_219781_rh_us  is the link to the bounty reward program for interested readers.
-
 October 24, 2020
 
 Have you ever painted with creek rocks?

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index f612a2f..fdc4e4d 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -11,6 +11,10 @@
     </iframe>
 
 
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07RBZ23PS&asins=B07RBZ23PS&linkId=7e658fd43065061ae43371981ff6f14d&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+
 October 26, 2020
 
 https://www.audible.com/pd/B08L8M7KHN/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-219781&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_219781_rh_us  is the link to the bounty reward program for interested readers.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index a466adc..f612a2f 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,6 +1,16 @@
 <iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B08L84THNR&asins=B08L84THNR&linkId=f2ef67743f3156325bb4a74bde082829&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066C0&bg_color=FFFFFF">
     </iframe>
 
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B08L4ZJ6R4&asins=B08L4ZJ6R4&linkId=333927791e07bd795d1b2d352a7f33e6&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B08KSMKFTY&asins=B08KSMKFTY&linkId=3f67ad0a42370381094336946193be27&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B08CG6H9XD&asins=B08CG6H9XD&linkId=77e69f939849fcc0b8a158a7a2d848a4&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff">
+    </iframe>
+
+
 October 26, 2020
 
 https://www.audible.com/pd/B08L8M7KHN/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-219781&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_219781_rh_us  is the link to the bounty reward program for interested readers.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index fdf5acd..a466adc 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
+<iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=author0d7-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B08L84THNR&asins=B08L84THNR&linkId=f2ef67743f3156325bb4a74bde082829&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=false&price_color=333333&title_color=0066C0&bg_color=FFFFFF">
+    </iframe>
+
 October 26, 2020
 
 https://www.audible.com/pd/B08L8M7KHN/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-219781&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_219781_rh_us  is the link to the bounty reward program for interested readers.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 78c6d60..fdf5acd 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+October 26, 2020
+
+https://www.audible.com/pd/B08L8M7KHN/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-219781&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_219781_rh_us  is the link to the bounty reward program for interested readers.
+
 October 24, 2020
 
 Have you ever painted with creek rocks?

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 6c47157..78c6d60 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,11 @@
+October 24, 2020
+
+Have you ever painted with creek rocks?
+I try to every day,
+under the trestle bridge.
+
+October 23, 2020
+
 His feathers were delicate straws.
 
 [[!img blue_feather_on_white.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 9dc9867..6c47157 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+His feathers were delicate straws.
+
+[[!img blue_feather_on_white.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
 October 22, 2020
 
 I get to meet one of my favorite friends for the first time today.  J. is a member of my writing group that has been coming together by video since Springtime.  He lives across town from me, writes sparse justice poetry, and studies African American authors on the sly.  I feel such an affinity to this gay man who has always lived in my town, writing his poetry, studying his justice, appreciating nature, being empathetic.  His understanding of my world is possibly even more valuable to me, because of my mental illness.  For a long time, I felt most people didn't understand, but then I started doing this writing support group via video when the pandemic started.  Our group is the best pandemic silver lining I have found.  
@@ -599,3 +603,5 @@ At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet fr
 
 
 
+
+

attachment upload
diff --git a/blue_feather_on_white.JPG b/blue_feather_on_white.JPG
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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 105c48a..9dc9867 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,10 @@
+October 22, 2020
+
+I get to meet one of my favorite friends for the first time today.  J. is a member of my writing group that has been coming together by video since Springtime.  He lives across town from me, writes sparse justice poetry, and studies African American authors on the sly.  I feel such an affinity to this gay man who has always lived in my town, writing his poetry, studying his justice, appreciating nature, being empathetic.  His understanding of my world is possibly even more valuable to me, because of my mental illness.  For a long time, I felt most people didn't understand, but then I started doing this writing support group via video when the pandemic started.  Our group is the best pandemic silver lining I have found.  
+
+
+
+
 October 20, 2020
 
 _Right_ after I launched my 4th children's book, I put out 2 more the next week, "The Adventures of Silhouette Man" and "Dreaming Leaves."  Also, "Buoyant Recovery" my poetry chapbook is now out on Audible, and I have since also published a 7th children's book, pending review, "Twinkle Fingers, Night and Day".  If you lost count, or got confused, Buoyant Recovery isn't a children's book.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 2d88a8b..105c48a 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,12 @@
+October 20, 2020
+
+_Right_ after I launched my 4th children's book, I put out 2 more the next week, "The Adventures of Silhouette Man" and "Dreaming Leaves."  Also, "Buoyant Recovery" my poetry chapbook is now out on Audible, and I have since also published a 7th children's book, pending review, "Twinkle Fingers, Night and Day".  If you lost count, or got confused, Buoyant Recovery isn't a children's book.  
+
+I am pretty stoked about my ad coming out in Lion's Roar Magazine in January.  
+
+Life has been good.  I am hopeful about the possibility Marquita Bradshaw gets elected in Tennessee's Senate!  Life marches on!
+
+
 October 4, 2020
 
 I have really been enjoying sending books that I write to friends so they can share them which ends up being a win win.  Can I have your mailing address for this?  I will send a free book to anyone who responds (within reason).  If you love free children's books and poetry this should be exciting!  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index dcbb37a..2d88a8b 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,7 +1,8 @@
 October 4, 2020
 
 I have really been enjoying sending books that I write to friends so they can share them which ends up being a win win.  Can I have your mailing address for this?  I will send a free book to anyone who responds (within reason).  If you love free children's books and poetry this should be exciting!  
-
+beautyitselfispurpose@gmail.com
+Maggie Hess
 
 
 October 4, 2020

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 5ba4b39..dcbb37a 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,9 @@
+October 4, 2020
+
+I have really been enjoying sending books that I write to friends so they can share them which ends up being a win win.  Can I have your mailing address for this?  I will send a free book to anyone who responds (within reason).  If you love free children's books and poetry this should be exciting!  
+
+
+
 October 4, 2020
 
 Shameless Self Promotion

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index a45a360..5ba4b39 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,28 @@
+October 4, 2020
+
+Shameless Self Promotion
+
+I am getting ready to launch my 4th children's book
+on Amazon, _Where the Creek Ends_.  2 Audio books 
+are just short sound files, not for Kindle or Print.  
+Hojoki for Children has been a huge prior launch. 
+please review this and my other books you may love,
+especially Hojoki for Children.  Numerous chapbooks are 
+available on Amazon, Kindle, and Audible.  
+
+Sharing and reviewing my books is one great way 
+to ensure I keep producing.  I think it only takes like 4 reviews
+to have bookstores distribute my books, but I rarely get 
+that many.  
+
+I am trying to high dive into children’s writing and 
+illustrating, so if you want to write an article about my books
+on your blog or share about me on facebook
+I would be honored.  
+
+Thank you for reading!!
+
+
 August 28, 2020
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 4e0a23a..a45a360 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,23 @@
+August 28, 2020
+
+
+
+[[!img DSCF5619.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+My brain wanted to go visit the old place I love so much called Wortroot.  My body and my instincts had a different idea.  As I followed the path I thought would get me to the old white house at the bottom of the hill, my body and my instincts took a wrong turn and ended up near a shed by the creek where the barbed wire crossed in a jagged mesh above a small deep hole of cooling waters.  By the time I ended up there, I knew I had taken one wrong turn, but I thought this was a different way to get in to Wortroot and the white house at the hill’s bottom.  So I sat in the water for a while, cooling down and trying to figure out what I should do.  As my brain shut mostly down, my body and instincts opened up, wider and deeper and more connected to the woods.  I knew technically I could try to climb one of the many hills around me, but when I looked through the barbed wire fence, it seemed to me that the beginning edge of Wortroot lay on the other side of it.  
+
+“Well, if all I need is to get through this rusty fence, I probably can find a way to do it right here where I am.”  My body and my instincts manipulated my brain like a spell, until I believed the reason they granted me.  
+
+So with determination, I began trying to adjust the fallen posts of the fence that lay dangerous in the waters.  I lifted up one post and propped it on a log.  Then I looked for more snags.  I found another post with wire on it, lower down, and somehow moved it a little so my body might squeeze through.  As it happens the only way to get through would be in the water, crawling feet first butt down, and floating with my buoyancy.  My brain came along for the ride, a bit hesitant, but aware it was no longer in control.  Having turned temporarily into some fish, I came out  on the other side, immediately aware that I was not on the property I intended to end up on.  Body and brain agreed, as well, that it would not be safe for me to try to swim my way back through the fence.  And the place I had been sitting in the pool of water on the other side, also was a stuck place.  I did not know how to get to Wortroot or home.  My water bottle that I had thrown over with my purse and phone was half already.    
+
+I had lost my shoes earlier in mud.  I stood barefoot and suddenly wide awake with the knowledge I was in something of a jam.  
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
 August 20, 2020
 
 I was sitting on my front porch in gratitude.  When I breathed in, my eyes were closed and then I slightly opened them and breathed out.  When I did that, I was looking up at the clouds which fill almost all of the sky, and tiny little circle of blue opened up, just for my exhalation.  I can't help but to know the effect I have on things.  :)
@@ -531,12 +551,3 @@ At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet fr
 
 
 
-[[!img DSCF5559.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img DSCF5560.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img DSCF5561.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img DSCF5562.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img DSCF5563.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img DSCF5564.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img DSCF5565.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img DSCF5566.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img DSCF5567.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]

attachment upload
diff --git a/DSCF5619.JPG b/DSCF5619.JPG
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Binary files /dev/null and b/DSCF5619.JPG differ

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 503c042..4e0a23a 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,6 +2,8 @@ August 20, 2020
 
 I was sitting on my front porch in gratitude.  When I breathed in, my eyes were closed and then I slightly opened them and breathed out.  When I did that, I was looking up at the clouds which fill almost all of the sky, and tiny little circle of blue opened up, just for my exhalation.  I can't help but to know the effect I have on things.  :)
 
+No.  We together are these things.  Nothing I do is ever just me.  We always transform together, eternally.  Humans, the world, the galaxy, it all is One.  
+
 August 19, 2020  
 
 Part 2

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 1f4b914..503c042 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+August 20, 2020
+
+I was sitting on my front porch in gratitude.  When I breathed in, my eyes were closed and then I slightly opened them and breathed out.  When I did that, I was looking up at the clouds which fill almost all of the sky, and tiny little circle of blue opened up, just for my exhalation.  I can't help but to know the effect I have on things.  :)
+
 August 19, 2020  
 
 Part 2

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index f8a339a..1f4b914 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,29 @@
+August 19, 2020  
+
+Part 2
+
+It has opened up a lot for me, learning to trust a good thing.  But the thing that opened that is a direction I need to explore is what Thom said about The Mutual.  
+
+I missed some sleep last night because I didn’t eat enough (lesson learned) before bed, and because it was a full day, with lots to think about and grow about.  I got out of bed at like 3 AM to write down my next epiphany, which is something more personal that I don’t want to blog about here.  Sometimes with mood ups are disturbed by rising a bit too high emotionally, which leads to sleeplessness, and that is another angle on what was going on.  
+
+The loss of sleep made me a bit volatile, just a little, this morning.  I usually never call him, but I called Tom in the morning to ask a question that for some reason was nagging me too.  (So many new questions to work through right now.)
+
+He is the area idealist on disability issues, and because I am disabled and had prior to the pandemic volunteered at our local different ability nonprofit, River’s Way (which Tom directs) I felt he might just answer my question.  
+
+I asked him something about the pitfall of working with disabled people that can occur which is having a feeling of Patronizing.  I have a disability, but reflecting back on River’s Way, I was concerned my approach had not been received as I would want. 
+
+He said the 2 main things about disability that are foundational are that with disability, there is interdependence.  He also said it is about The Mutual.  
+
+After I got off the phone with Tom, I felt I understood but would like to dig deeper someday into these ideas.  
+
+The first disabled person I remember was a man who lived near my elementary school, and probably because he was family, he was sometimes seen in the school.  I think his name was Johnny, which is interesting as it seems to be a common name in River’s Way.  I remember being solitary in my love of this man, but probably half the kids really adored him.  He had something different about him.  I don’t know what.  He’d come through and I’d see him and I’d wave and smile big.  Then some meaner kid would be like “Maggie, why are you waving at Johnny?  He’s (insert 80’s word used to slander disabled people.)”  I sure never understood the slander.   He was about the best person I saw in school, or out of school.  He’d do these nonverbal things and interact with me.  I adored him.  No one else would do those things, and it seemed stupid to me that everyone was so “normal” and thinking that their “normal” was so much better than the best person.  
+
+So I have been defensive about disability, though it probably isn’t the best leadership technique or teaching model.  
+
+I had told Tom I wanted to help, and what I got from him was that it is mutual and it has to be mutual, and maybe the people in River’s Way don’t always need to want to help, though they all do.  Sometimes it is important just to share a moment with someone or have fun.  And that fun is the most important thing that can be mutual, and shared, and experienced together, because what is more mutual than fun?  With my first disabled person, this Johnny, my approach wasn’t all wrong, because I did exchange with him fun and friendly gestures and smiles.  I remember some great jokes we somehow shared.  Or maybe I just thought we did.  
+
+Interdependence is a huge word.  It means sharing in a broad sense, among all of the people, not just one type, or that’s what it means to me.  So sorry I don’t have a huge conclusion.  It’s a works in process.  
+
 August 18, 2020
 
 Trust a Good Thing

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 19d9c8e..f8a339a 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,50 @@
+August 18, 2020
+
+Trust a Good Thing
+[[!img DSCF5559.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5560.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5561.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5562.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5563.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5564.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5565.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5566.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5567.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+by Maggie Hess
+
+My friend Josh recently asked me what I thought it meant, this dream I had lost night about giant leaves that I was looking up at.  “I think it was because I looked up and saw leaves the day before and the image was fresh in my mind.”  I pronounced.  
+
+He looked distracted, so I wondered if he was thinking there was more to this simple sounding dream.  So I teased him a little, asking him if he thought there was something more to it, my dream about big leafs I had.  I think he laughed, because clearly there is nothing deeper there.  Or is there?
+
+That is not what I am digging into writing this today.  But I was making a point of sorts, that maybe there sometimes is something that is deeper that we go back to, and very well, maybe I will find some sort of deep psychic meaning in my big leaf dream if time passes and something changes.  Who knows?  I am open to it.  
+
+The reason I mention deep rooted thought development is I had a thought today that seems a first page thought and a last page and a whole book too.  I feel I am exploring a new thought, and embodying it into myself, in a way that could turn my whole life around, and make my life even more wonderful than it already is.  And I have so many good things going on in my life already.  
+
+The idea is that I have just now started learning about myself that I need to “Trust a good thing.”  I said that today to my therapist.  She actually wrote it on her white board, and it was a telephone session.  (She told me she wrote it up there, which informed me it meant something to her too.)  But to me, it feels like it is a catharsis I needed to have my whole life for so many reasons.  
+
+I am at a time when I just got this funny machine called a bipap machine to help me breathe at night, which is because I have sleep apnea, which all kinds of people get, but many more who are overweight.   At this time of my life, zooming in a bit more, I got the machine a little over a week ago.  During this week, I got a fitbit, kept track of my steps, also recorded my calories I ate with an app called Noom that you can use to lose weight, and I actually lost 9 pounds this week.  (It is too much generally to lose 9 pounds in a week, but if you are just starting a diet, sometimes, the pounds quickly fall off the first week, and it is ok.)  
+
+I feel I was able to lose the weight because I have in my head a sense of newfound determination that I will lose weight down to 200 pounds.  I never before had set such a big goal, but always had wondered what it would be like to be 200 pounds again, in terms of my health and movement capabilities.  I had dieted a few other times, and one time it was successful, but I think I quit the diet because I was confused and unclear on my goal.  Now I feel I will succeed because I am more sure of my goal.  
+
+Trust a good thing.  
+
+How the term came up for me, was a couple weeks ago, I heard a meditation guru I follow, Tara Brach, use the term “Trust the Gold.”   So that was the first layer of the development of meaning for my dream canopy, if you remember my lead in, and understand what I mean.  
+
+I had thought about the term trust in different levels off and on, my whole life.   I think it’s human to mull over the meaning of words.  
+
+Then I was writing my 3 writing support group friends today and this is what I said to them, in terms of expressing gratitude towards them for our friendship. It’s a little long maybe.
+
+“Before Autumn, I ruined many good friendships.   With Autumn I was afraid it might be to good to possibly last.   But she is a professional friend, and I think that helps.   Once I really was burned by a family of friends who were NSA but didn't tell me until after years of babysitting for them,  and them feigning progressive values,  from Abingdon.   That was their fault.   But recently I was friends with MM.   But my over-contacting her reminded her of an abusive domestic partner (just in frequency.)  before these I was more volatile with my mental illness. I made some activist friends and college friends that sadly didn't want to sustain our relationship.   This caused loss,  but today I feel joy and trust.   
+
+So my saying I have 3 real friends means more than you know.   I also have tons of friends,  but most are family friends which feels sometimes forced. Ive had and have tons but the level of trust and reciprocity is unmet.   In college too I had a hard time trusting a good thing was real.  I feel I am finally overcoming that.”
+
+
+So I am growing in terms of relationship as well as fitness goals.  It was this email to my friends, that grew into the expression I used in therapy, “Trust a Good Thing” that would make a great bumper sticker, and if frankly my new motto for my life.  
+
+Now my job is to dig into the “dream” and find for the next layer of meaning!
+
+
 August 6, 2020
 
 I was so glad to relearn about Harriet the Spy.  I recently divorced myself from making future Amazon purchases, and began familiarizing myself with indie bookstores online, such as those listed here:  https://www.huffpost.com/entry/50-of-the-best-indie-bookstores-in-america_n_58fe472ae4b06b9cb9192bb3
@@ -450,3 +497,14 @@ At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet fr
 
 
 
+
+
+[[!img DSCF5559.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5560.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5561.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5562.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5563.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5564.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5565.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5566.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5567.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]

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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index df1feb2..19d9c8e 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,13 @@
+August 6, 2020
+
+I was so glad to relearn about Harriet the Spy.  I recently divorced myself from making future Amazon purchases, and began familiarizing myself with indie bookstores online, such as those listed here:  https://www.huffpost.com/entry/50-of-the-best-indie-bookstores-in-america_n_58fe472ae4b06b9cb9192bb3
+
+I know I could have checked it out, but I wanted it, so I purchased Harriet the Spy from an Ann Arbor bookstore, and am excited to get it.  I have used bookstores in Boston and Pittsburgh too lately.  Very happy new habit.  
+
+If you didn't buy books on Amazon, how long would it take before you supported all 50 best indie bookstores?  How much better would that be for the world?
+
+
+
 August 4, 2020
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index ada82f9..df1feb2 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,14 @@
+August 4, 2020
+
+
+
+
+
+[[!img DSCF5537.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5538.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+
+
 July 20, 2020
 
 [[!img origami_leaf.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
@@ -429,4 +440,3 @@ At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet fr
 
 
 
-

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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,17 +1,17 @@
 July 20, 2020
-Origami leaf.
+
 [[!img origami_leaf.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-Brush and tail.
+
 [[!img brush_and_tail.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-Blind self portrait.
+
 [[!img blind_self_portrait.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-I love Mom.
+
 [[!img I_love_Mom.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-wall working
+
 [[!img wall_working.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-hard work wall
+
 [[!img hard_work_wall.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-wall scrub
+
 [[!img wallscrub.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 
 July 15, 2020

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index d1454b6..7fd0ec0 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,19 @@
+July 20, 2020
+Origami leaf.
+[[!img origami_leaf.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+Brush and tail.
+[[!img brush_and_tail.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+Blind self portrait.
+[[!img blind_self_portrait.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+I love Mom.
+[[!img I_love_Mom.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+wall working
+[[!img wall_working.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+hard work wall
+[[!img hard_work_wall.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+wall scrub
+[[!img wallscrub.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
 July 15, 2020
 
 A poem magically surfaced on the kitchen table this morning.  The quote was one of those little stationary quotes.  
@@ -413,3 +429,4 @@ At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet fr
 
 
 
+

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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 9500770..d1454b6 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,58 @@
+July 15, 2020
+
+A poem magically surfaced on the kitchen table this morning.  The quote was one of those little stationary quotes.  
+Staying
+
+To live vicarious
+
+though the swifts
+
+with sudden lows
+
+and lovely lifts.
+
+
+To be, a time, 
+
+a locust tree
+
+waving my leaflets
+
+like some sea.
+
+
+The porch is my sand bar
+
+the sky is its waves
+
+to quizzically see
+
+how life behaves.
+
+
+Some things are just
+
+exactly same
+
+by mountains wild
+
+or oceans tame.
+
+
+Some vacations are
+
+better ought
+
+to be to not gone on,
+
+not leave this spot.
+
+
+"The future is not something we enter,
+it's something we create."  
+Leonard Swift
+
+
 July 10, 2020
 
 I can get a job in a week in a global recession.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index e9c8c69..9500770 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,10 @@
+July 10, 2020
+
+I can get a job in a week in a global recession.
+
+It might sound like a brag, but it's a confession.
+
+
 July 2, 2020
 
 So I am hired to work for VIPKID as an English teacher of Chinese students online.  I have to pass training and actually had to get a new laptop so I could download the app, but I think that this is going to be really good for me.  Ever since the onslaught of the pandemic, when I used my first video to talk to family and friends, I realized a super outgoing person like me, still can feel very good about video relationships.  In fact, to some degree, I get to control a little more in my video relationships.  In family jitsi's or my creative writing support group, I get to totally skip the ones that I am not feeling up to doing.  Likewise, with VIPKID, I get to set my own hours.  Speaking of hours, if I just work 2 or 3 hours, 5 days per week, I will easily double my income, and get to keep every penny due to the fact I will be still earning under the maximum disability earnings.  So that is one big bonus incentive for me and I can only imagine how it will change my life if I can keep it up!  You might have heard teaching online in China means working late hours, but already 6 hours exist during my normal waking hours when I can be earning and teaching (6-9AM and PM).  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index a691cbe..e9c8c69 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,18 @@
+July 2, 2020
+
+So I am hired to work for VIPKID as an English teacher of Chinese students online.  I have to pass training and actually had to get a new laptop so I could download the app, but I think that this is going to be really good for me.  Ever since the onslaught of the pandemic, when I used my first video to talk to family and friends, I realized a super outgoing person like me, still can feel very good about video relationships.  In fact, to some degree, I get to control a little more in my video relationships.  In family jitsi's or my creative writing support group, I get to totally skip the ones that I am not feeling up to doing.  Likewise, with VIPKID, I get to set my own hours.  Speaking of hours, if I just work 2 or 3 hours, 5 days per week, I will easily double my income, and get to keep every penny due to the fact I will be still earning under the maximum disability earnings.  So that is one big bonus incentive for me and I can only imagine how it will change my life if I can keep it up!  You might have heard teaching online in China means working late hours, but already 6 hours exist during my normal waking hours when I can be earning and teaching (6-9AM and PM).  
+What time is it in Bejing?Right now it is 7:50 PM in Bejing.  They are exactly 12 hours ahead!  
+Do I have to know Mandarin?  No!  Just hold a 4 year degree and be a native English speaker!
+How many American teachers teach for VIPKID?
+60,000  A small city of teachers like me!
+What is the pay?16-24 dollars an hour.  16 base pay with lots of incentives to earn much more.  There is also no limit to how many hours teachers can earn.
+What are some cons to teaching VIPKID?I don't get to put my own touch to things.  I don't get to prepare my own lessons.  The company is supposed to not be very supportive.  It's a big corporation.  So on!
+What was VIPKID's response to Covid?In February 2020, VIPKid donated 1.5 million English and math classes to affected students from the COVID-19 pandemic. Students in the city of Wuhan, Hubei Province, and children of medical workers were given priority for free classes.
+
+Why work?I was content not working, but I would like to start some part time wage earning, and the kids are really cute in China and I look forward to teaching them English!  
+
+
+
 June 30, 2020
 
 We All Meditate Already:  Teaching Meditation to Early Learners

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index fdb8510..a691cbe 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,15 @@
+June 30, 2020
+
+We All Meditate Already:  Teaching Meditation to Early Learners
+
+Meditation may be the ultimate thing that saved my mental health, but the word meditation did not help me get anywhere when I first heard it because the word seemed complicated and not easy to implement.  It was my sister, a doctor, who told me she thought meditation would help me.  She said it over the phone, and I remember getting a blank feeling from the suggestion.  I think sometimes people feel judgement around the idea of meditating in response to mental illness.  Personally, I just didn’t know what it was or how to do it, and I didn’t get answers that made easy sense to me for a long time.  I think it would have been better to simply say something different, and I have in mind an approach that for me would have been better to use in talking about meditation.  My nature is that of a teacher, and I also know through my English education that every single word can be an obstacle to someone trying to learn something new, simply because it is new to us.  So when I try to tell someone something they might not already know, as a teacher, I want to be certain they know what I am talking about, and if they don’t I want to be as basic as possible when I go to explain the term.  Someone might think I slow down too much for learners, maybe, but I am willing to take the risk.  
+
+So let me expand upon how I would explain mediation to a new learner.  When I think about things we need to feel good, to me, meditation is something almost everyone could benefit from experiencing, just as we need food or water or sleep to feel good, we all need meditation.  Not everyone is definitely aware that they need meditation to feel good.   But I think all of us need meditation, and I think to an extent, all of us meditate.  When I feel overwhelmed or like I’ve been doing too much, that is one great example of when I might meditate.  Just stopping for long enough to be aware that you are breathing, is to me meditation.  Sitting on the front porch, or in a comfortable space, and not really doing anything else, is to me one form of meditation.  Stopping from what you’ve been doing, and taking a minute to decompress or process your emotions or what you’ve learned is meditation.  Just as often, walking, solo or walking a dog, has meditative components.  Often ideas come to us when we exercise, and to me that is meditative.  Writing is often meditative.  Some would say all writing is meditative.  I know certainly that journaling is one of the highest degrees of being meditative that writing can be.  When you lie down, if you are not instantly falling asleep, that time before sleeping is often meditative.  
+
+Major processing does not have to occur for you to be meditating.  You don’t have to feel you are accomplishing something great.  I think meditating can be described in as simple terms as “taking a break.”  In this high production oriented world, stopping anything isn’t always what people are striving to do.  Some people might think I am calling things meditation that actually aren’t.  There certainly are myriad very in depth ways to meditate, and improving one’s meditation skills can take a lot of work and higher understanding, but I also believe it is a very basic part of life for all of us, just something we might not do enough.  
+
+
+
 June 28, 2020
 
 If I had known about TEFL degrees when I was 18 I would be making a b-line to get mine, instead of spending 12 years trying to obtain a 4 year degree from Berea College. So TEFL is Teaching English as a Foreign Language, and it is a degree that can be obtained in 10 to 12 weeks. If you are 18 and you have a TEFL degree, that gives you the automatic ability to earn 20 dollars an hour working from home online teaching English to foreign students. You also could decide to use your TEFL to teach abroad, and it is the only degree you really would need for many places, and the pay can be very high with a TEFL degree. Japan - $2,200-$5,000 per Month. Saudi Arabia - $3,000-$4,000 per Month. ...Kuwait - $2,600-$4,000 per Month. ...Oman - $2,000-$3,500 per Month. ...Taiwan - $2,000-$3,000 per Month. ...South Korea - $1,600-$2,650 per Month. ...China - $1,400-$2,200 per Month. ...Hong Kong - $3,000-$6,500 per Month. If you get a TEFL degree, you want to research the best company, and get the best one. It will cost around 1,200 dollars for the degree, but it is so worth it. Many people don't realize that English language skills are some of the most valuable skills people can have if you are interested in exploring the world, or just making lots of money working from wherever you want to be. What do you think about that?

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 85317fd..fdb8510 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+June 28, 2020
+
+If I had known about TEFL degrees when I was 18 I would be making a b-line to get mine, instead of spending 12 years trying to obtain a 4 year degree from Berea College. So TEFL is Teaching English as a Foreign Language, and it is a degree that can be obtained in 10 to 12 weeks. If you are 18 and you have a TEFL degree, that gives you the automatic ability to earn 20 dollars an hour working from home online teaching English to foreign students. You also could decide to use your TEFL to teach abroad, and it is the only degree you really would need for many places, and the pay can be very high with a TEFL degree. Japan - $2,200-$5,000 per Month. Saudi Arabia - $3,000-$4,000 per Month. ...Kuwait - $2,600-$4,000 per Month. ...Oman - $2,000-$3,500 per Month. ...Taiwan - $2,000-$3,000 per Month. ...South Korea - $1,600-$2,650 per Month. ...China - $1,400-$2,200 per Month. ...Hong Kong - $3,000-$6,500 per Month. If you get a TEFL degree, you want to research the best company, and get the best one. It will cost around 1,200 dollars for the degree, but it is so worth it. Many people don't realize that English language skills are some of the most valuable skills people can have if you are interested in exploring the world, or just making lots of money working from wherever you want to be. What do you think about that?
+
 June 22, 2020
 
 There is a beauty

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 67dd970..85317fd 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,19 @@
+June 22, 2020
+
+There is a beauty
+
+to the negative space
+
+creeping around art,
+
+something majestic
+
+in bare husks.  
+
+[[!img husks8.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img DSCF5435.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img husks1.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
 
 
 June 4, 2020
@@ -301,3 +317,6 @@ At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet fr
 
 
 
+
+
+

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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 5bee40e..67dd970 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,8 +1,4 @@
-June 6, 2020
 
-I am feeling kind of blue today because I went back and read an email from last summer, when I had my recent manic episode/hospitalization, and I am aware that a lot of people turned their backs on me during that time.  It is painful to read and probably I should just permanently delete all of the emails from last summer.  
-
-I went 15 years between hospital visits, and still my family was not able to care for me when I needed them.  
 
 June 4, 2020
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index c9fb711..5bee40e 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,6 +2,8 @@ June 6, 2020
 
 I am feeling kind of blue today because I went back and read an email from last summer, when I had my recent manic episode/hospitalization, and I am aware that a lot of people turned their backs on me during that time.  It is painful to read and probably I should just permanently delete all of the emails from last summer.  
 
+I went 15 years between hospital visits, and still my family was not able to care for me when I needed them.  
+
 June 4, 2020
 
 I was going to go swimming

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 11ece96..c9fb711 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,6 +1,6 @@
 June 6, 2020
 
-I am feeling kind of blue today because I went back and read an email from this summer, when I had my recent manic episode/hospitalization, and I am aware that a lot of people turned their backs on me during that time.  It is painful to read and probably I should just permanently delete all of the emails from last summer.  
+I am feeling kind of blue today because I went back and read an email from last summer, when I had my recent manic episode/hospitalization, and I am aware that a lot of people turned their backs on me during that time.  It is painful to read and probably I should just permanently delete all of the emails from last summer.  
 
 June 4, 2020
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index b31b453..11ece96 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+June 6, 2020
+
+I am feeling kind of blue today because I went back and read an email from this summer, when I had my recent manic episode/hospitalization, and I am aware that a lot of people turned their backs on me during that time.  It is painful to read and probably I should just permanently delete all of the emails from last summer.  
+
 June 4, 2020
 
 I was going to go swimming

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index cae8b55..b31b453 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,6 +1,12 @@
 June 4, 2020
 
-When I got an email from Virginia Organizing yesterday, about a facebook group that is now Bristol United for Change, I understood that outside bad white people were trying to agitate for violence in Bristol Virginia on Saturday.  So I ended up sharing the post a few times because I have always agreed with Virginia Organizing.  But since then I found that Virginia Organizing might have been overembelishing about the threat of the group.  It is now my understanding that there is just one person who is not from our area, and though she is a key organizer, she also has direct ties in Bristol and does not intend anything bad but wants to back POC and black lives especially.  The type of organizing that is being done in Bristol United for Change is maybe a bit green but I think organic organizing like that should be supported instead of discouraged, and I am sorry that my initial instincts were wrong about the group.  It is rare for anyone in Bristol to host such a cause, and I wish them all the best.
+I was going to go swimming
+
+in a hole in the creek
+
+but the water moccasin
+
+got there first.
 
 May 26, 2020
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index dc44e94..cae8b55 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+June 4, 2020
+
+When I got an email from Virginia Organizing yesterday, about a facebook group that is now Bristol United for Change, I understood that outside bad white people were trying to agitate for violence in Bristol Virginia on Saturday.  So I ended up sharing the post a few times because I have always agreed with Virginia Organizing.  But since then I found that Virginia Organizing might have been overembelishing about the threat of the group.  It is now my understanding that there is just one person who is not from our area, and though she is a key organizer, she also has direct ties in Bristol and does not intend anything bad but wants to back POC and black lives especially.  The type of organizing that is being done in Bristol United for Change is maybe a bit green but I think organic organizing like that should be supported instead of discouraged, and I am sorry that my initial instincts were wrong about the group.  It is rare for anyone in Bristol to host such a cause, and I wish them all the best.
+
 May 26, 2020
 
 Reconnecting with old friends. 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 36ebc06..dc44e94 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
-May , 2020
+May 26, 2020
 
 Reconnecting with old friends. 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index acb1519..36ebc06 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -12,6 +12,10 @@ Lol
 
 
 
+Enjoy the following quote 
+
+During the Great Plague of London in 1665-1666, Isaac Newton was sent home from college. In his isolation, the student/scientist engaged in the groundbreaking discoveries that marked his "year of wonders."
+
 
 
 May 22, 2020

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,19 @@
+May , 2020
+
+Reconnecting with old friends. 
+
+
+I am going to have to add to my Margaret Hess online presence.   Search Maggie Hess.   Much more me. 
+
+I don't identify as Margaret. 
+
+
+Lol
+
+
+
+
+
 May 22, 2020
 
 Mom and I each seemed to turn some sort of a corner for the better yesterday regarding how we are coping with the pandemic and creatively finding ways to enjoy the shelter in place rather than stressing over it.  This whole time, there has been a big element to my life that has been all about enjoying the time I get to spend home and removed from society.  I have been charting my mood and how much I walk in a day in a little bullet journal I am keeping first thing each morning, and notice it is allowing me to set intention and good course for my day each morning.  I rate my mood on a scale of one to 10, that generally is a 7 if I am up and spending time on the front porch and walking enough, or a 6 if I need to take the day off and binge watch a tv show all day.  So far since May 3 when I started the notebook, it hasn't sunk beneath a 6, but in the months leading up to May, and previously in my life, it an be common for me to experience a long stretch where my highest number is a 6.  That is how I led up to this period, earlier in the quarantine.  Numbers beneath a 6 basically spend more and more time in bed and my thoughts start to get darker and darker.  At 5 I stop exercising enough.  At 4 I might think I am getting a little depressed.  At 3 I have lost sight of the hope that I might feel a 6 or 7 again.  At 2 I have dark thoughts.  It barely ever gets to 1.  I am not sure what word 1 has, and hope I don't have to know for a long time.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 734de8c..6f57514 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,71 @@
+May 22, 2020
+
+Mom and I each seemed to turn some sort of a corner for the better yesterday regarding how we are coping with the pandemic and creatively finding ways to enjoy the shelter in place rather than stressing over it.  This whole time, there has been a big element to my life that has been all about enjoying the time I get to spend home and removed from society.  I have been charting my mood and how much I walk in a day in a little bullet journal I am keeping first thing each morning, and notice it is allowing me to set intention and good course for my day each morning.  I rate my mood on a scale of one to 10, that generally is a 7 if I am up and spending time on the front porch and walking enough, or a 6 if I need to take the day off and binge watch a tv show all day.  So far since May 3 when I started the notebook, it hasn't sunk beneath a 6, but in the months leading up to May, and previously in my life, it an be common for me to experience a long stretch where my highest number is a 6.  That is how I led up to this period, earlier in the quarantine.  Numbers beneath a 6 basically spend more and more time in bed and my thoughts start to get darker and darker.  At 5 I stop exercising enough.  At 4 I might think I am getting a little depressed.  At 3 I have lost sight of the hope that I might feel a 6 or 7 again.  At 2 I have dark thoughts.  It barely ever gets to 1.  I am not sure what word 1 has, and hope I don't have to know for a long time.
+
+Yesterday I wrote something actually at first for my nephew who is a grown adult, just in confidence.  But I am thinking I will share it here as part of this story.  Writing the following passage led me to writing the love song that I posted on youtube, in the previous entry.  
+
+"I got to a point of probably being as near as I will ever be to giving up on the idea of me ever having a loving romantic relationship in the future with someone.  I think I let go of belief it could happen when this one guy who kind of courted me in a way but nothing came of it, E, stopped coming around.  Looking back, that was when Brazen was a puppy!  I am counting up a possible 7 years since he's been here.  I did think I would marry this E.  I really think he was considering it too.  It is too bad and I can't really say what happened to put my finger on it, other than we just were friends and something shifted with him to pull him forever away from me..."
+
+
+"Somehow lately the thought of life partner type relationship has been coming back around.  It feels a bit changed.   I am starting to wonder if I might try to have a life partner somewhere somehow.  It embarrasses me a lot to say that.  I don't know why, but I am kind of autistic that way.  That is actually a big hurdle for me, admitting I want a partner.  But a bigger one that is the main point today I think is that I haven't ever trusted myself enough to love somebody else.  That is a huge thing.  I am not certain how to develop that kind of trust.  I think it requires a new determination, that I am considering developing..."
+
+
+"I have a lot of time to figure it out.  I don't want to have kids any longer, so that is different in the equation...."
+
+"I wanted to add one thought.  The idea is not that I am now pursuing dating or making some effort to find someone, I am just transforming the way I think about myself and my ability to be part of a love relationship."
+
+Then I wrote the love song that has the following lyrics:
+
+"It's a small voice asking 
+
+From the heart for love. 
+
+And it rises up from the lungs
+
+When you've nothing left to prove.
+
+It's wee tiny like a dove. 
+
+But a fool would ignore it there. 
+
+It's as vital as the air
+
+The need for love.   
+
+And you deserve it if you care
+
+To try for love. 
+
+
+So try for love. 
+
+Try for love. 
+
+But first you've gotta sigh for love. 
+
+Sing for love. 
+
+Sing for love. 
+
+Serenade the world beneath your wings 
+
+For love."
+
+And I was singing it in my home where I live with Mom from the heart, and Mom was overhearing this heart felt love song of sorts, a very pure song about love.  And I think it was this song that led to Mom's heart opening up in a way yesterday, because the night before, she had this dream about a leaf that was also folded oragami that she stroked like a cat, and that turned to her and said "I love you."  lol  What a funny dream!
+
+(Which I hope she doesn't mind me sharing.) But it is illuminating the world somehow I think.
+
+Anyway, I deeply feel that this pandemic is not all bad for me so far, and as much dark news as she quotes to me, I think my mother would agree.  
+
+It is true for many reasons even that I, a former eating out junkie, have fizzled down my eating out to nothing, and only have ordered delivery once a week, which I think I am starting to phase out entirely too.  That is a big change, to go from eating out my whole disability check, to not eating out at all.  
+
+Also, for as much love as I have for the YMCA or the Bristol, Tennessee society I once surrounded myself with, I hold an equal degree of gladness that I am not spending time at the YMCA or even the local coffee shop I love so much, Bloom, or other things.  Focusing outward so much of my energy was taking more of myself than I recognized at the time.  
+
+Now I can sit on the front porch still, and be a participating member of my street life.  And street life is all I really feel I need right now, other than close friendships with people who stay in touch.  Well, I am regularly attending a writing group that I love on a Zoom like platform called Jitsi.  My writing group meets for over an hour on Thursdays, and is just 3 people, and mostly we just write poems and journal entries.  I am more grateful for that group and how it is spurring me on in my poetry, than anything that I had locally, prior to this pandemic.  I even had signed up for a Gotham course, which was no where near as interesting for me or as interactive as my 3 person Jitsi poetry group.  
+
+Yes I am lucky.  And I am counting my blessings.
+
+
 May 21, 2020
 
 Not the best at making links here, but if you copy paste this web address you can hear my new hit song:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0mjZ9pjszw&t=8s

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,10 @@
+May 21, 2020
+
+Not the best at making links here, but if you copy paste this web address you can hear my new hit song:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0mjZ9pjszw&t=8s
+
+Now time for me to start planning the rest of the Jitsi based talent show!!
+
+
 May 6, 2020
 
 So empowered by this recent decision to walk 5 microwalks per day.  I am defining microwalk as a 10 to 15 minute dog walk.  I did 4 today so far and plan and intend to walk one more after a little more rest.  Very hopeful.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index a997a91..e6afbec 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+May 6, 2020
+
+So empowered by this recent decision to walk 5 microwalks per day.  I am defining microwalk as a 10 to 15 minute dog walk.  I did 4 today so far and plan and intend to walk one more after a little more rest.  Very hopeful.
+
 May day, 2020
 
 Emotionally, it is really hard for me in the long haul of this pandemic.  I guess I have put on a cheerful face most of the time, but many of my troubles have built up.  Today I wrote 4 pages recognizing things that are hard for me.  I have been reading Tara Brach's Radical Compassion and she recommends Recognizing as part of RAIN, Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Nurture.  I called one of my sisters and cried on her shoulder a bit.  Then I tried to put on a happy face again for my mother.  We went to walk Brazen at the New Site in the country and walked to the waterfall.  It really is beautiful this time of year.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 124483e..a997a91 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -2,6 +2,8 @@ May day, 2020
 
 Emotionally, it is really hard for me in the long haul of this pandemic.  I guess I have put on a cheerful face most of the time, but many of my troubles have built up.  Today I wrote 4 pages recognizing things that are hard for me.  I have been reading Tara Brach's Radical Compassion and she recommends Recognizing as part of RAIN, Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Nurture.  I called one of my sisters and cried on her shoulder a bit.  Then I tried to put on a happy face again for my mother.  We went to walk Brazen at the New Site in the country and walked to the waterfall.  It really is beautiful this time of year.
 
+My audio version of Moody Tourist in Costa Rica should be coming out early next week.  
+
 April 29, 2020
 
 I heard a pileated woodpecker above my front porch chair, laughing like woody woodpecker, so I got up to get a better look.  He kept laughing over the black locust's first blooms that already are falling after less than a day of being.  I saw him a little better, but tired and sat back down.  Then he flew down to the catalpa stump where he perched upside down until we made eye contact and he flew off.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index d0122db..124483e 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+May day, 2020
+
+Emotionally, it is really hard for me in the long haul of this pandemic.  I guess I have put on a cheerful face most of the time, but many of my troubles have built up.  Today I wrote 4 pages recognizing things that are hard for me.  I have been reading Tara Brach's Radical Compassion and she recommends Recognizing as part of RAIN, Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Nurture.  I called one of my sisters and cried on her shoulder a bit.  Then I tried to put on a happy face again for my mother.  We went to walk Brazen at the New Site in the country and walked to the waterfall.  It really is beautiful this time of year.
+
 April 29, 2020
 
 I heard a pileated woodpecker above my front porch chair, laughing like woody woodpecker, so I got up to get a better look.  He kept laughing over the black locust's first blooms that already are falling after less than a day of being.  I saw him a little better, but tired and sat back down.  Then he flew down to the catalpa stump where he perched upside down until we made eye contact and he flew off.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 14b3ee4..d0122db 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,8 @@
+April 29, 2020
+
+I heard a pileated woodpecker above my front porch chair, laughing like woody woodpecker, so I got up to get a better look.  He kept laughing over the black locust's first blooms that already are falling after less than a day of being.  I saw him a little better, but tired and sat back down.  Then he flew down to the catalpa stump where he perched upside down until we made eye contact and he flew off.  
+Then Brazen caught and ate her first boring bee.  
+
 April 28, 2020
 
 I am sure Michael Moore is occasionally wrong, but when it comes to the big picture the man has a way of seeing through to the truth better than almost anyone I have seen.   Today, in an interview on Rising on the Hill, he mentioned that the pandemic is going to last 2 years.  I know because of basic math and science that it will likely be 2 years, and he sites a friend at the NIH who says it is a 2 year pandemic.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,17 @@
+April 28, 2020
+
+I am sure Michael Moore is occasionally wrong, but when it comes to the big picture the man has a way of seeing through to the truth better than almost anyone I have seen.   Today, in an interview on Rising on the Hill, he mentioned that the pandemic is going to last 2 years.  I know because of basic math and science that it will likely be 2 years, and he sites a friend at the NIH who says it is a 2 year pandemic.  
+
+As it happens that is bullet one in a three part wham wham wham news series that I will now be giving part 2.  Footage of UFO's have been released by the Pentagon, recently, although many of us had seen the footage, it is now confirmed as un-doctored footage.  My question is why now?  Why is this coming out as true now after being covered up for many years?
+
+The last thing I wanted to say is that I watched Planets of the Humans that is produced by Michael Moore and that came out recently on youtube.  It rings to me as true.  I remember when I was first learning about climate change, I wondered why people couldn't drastically simplify our lives to reduce carbon emissions.  Then came capitalist centered solutions that made people feel better about themselves like solar panels and wind farms and 350.org and that allow for us to carry on as usual with our bad consumptive habits.  Anyway, it's a long way to say I agree with this documentary's conclusions.  If the skies are clearing in India and China due to stay at home orders, it seems we could very easily stop climate change, by quitting the system of mass consumption and just saying enough is enough and we have enough and that's that.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
 April 18, 2020
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -53,7 +53,7 @@ Somehow my therapists words changed my course.
 
 I learned to meditate and give myself a break.
 
-I gave myself permission and found my normal.
+I gave myself permission and found peace.
 
 
 But I think I forgot the dolphins, somewhere.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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@@ -1,3 +1,65 @@
+April 18, 2020
+
+
+[[!img IMG_20200417_100524.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+How I Have Changed
+
+
+I used to be guilty.
+
+I carried the weight of war,
+
+which I protested before each one started.
+
+I gave my shoes to a peace demonstration,
+
+and got blisters walking over hot DC pavement.
+
+I gave all my clothes away 
+
+except for 5 changes,
+
+I worried about homelessness
+
+and always shared meals 
+
+with the people so abandoned.
+
+I joined a crew of climate activists in 2007,
+
+and spent time going car-less for the environment.  
+
+
+My therapist said my guilt was not good for me.
+
+She was right.  
+
+I beat myself up over nothing,
+
+and believed my decisions were critical
+
+for the survival of the species.  
+
+Maybe you would have liked me then.
+
+But it hurt to care so much.  
+
+I was off balance and bipolar and never 
+comfortable.
+
+
+Somehow my therapists words changed my course.
+
+I learned to meditate and give myself a break.
+
+I gave myself permission and found my normal.
+
+
+But I think I forgot the dolphins, somewhere.
+
+
+
 April 15, 2020
 
 I enrolled in a poetry writing class online via zoom at Gotham.  (I am coming in tonight to the second class as my first class, having missed the first.)  I paid for this because I really started feeling I needed the stimulation, and I have a plan to write poems about these times.
@@ -101,3 +163,5 @@ One of these days I did stop for curbside ice cream kind of impulsively, but I g
 At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet from people but still see them.  I know I am not the worst case of suffering, and I'm sorry for all of the people who have lost loved ones to covid 19 and who are currently sick and also other mentally ill people like me who are trapped inside.  
 
 
+
+

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+April 15, 2020
+
+I enrolled in a poetry writing class online via zoom at Gotham.  (I am coming in tonight to the second class as my first class, having missed the first.)  I paid for this because I really started feeling I needed the stimulation, and I have a plan to write poems about these times.
+
+Shelter in Place, Day 34
+
+
+Give me a reason to shower more often, 
+
+Shower me with reasons,
+
+Let the world call to check on me,
+
+I'll be here.
+
+If not walking my dog
+
+Past some waning half puddle, 
+
+Or stealing dirt from the alley stump.
+
+Give my heart a song to beat with. 
+
+
+
+
+
 Decree
 
 April Fool’s Day 2020

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+Decree
+
+April Fool’s Day 2020
+
+Now those of you who follow me, might only really harbor memory of me in the narrative of my journey in the years after I had resolved upon myself to graduate college.  There would be more quitting but my attitude towards college started being resolutely set upon completion in the same year of our Lord that I began as an English student at Berea, 2009.  Before that, between 2000 and 2009, if you sift through my life like you might find gold, you will see that I was rising from mentally ill ashes in the direction of this resolution, like a phoenix, steadily, but jolting along my path at the same time.  
+
+The reason for me emphasizing the 2009 transition is this.  I sat at this same desktop computer and turned a hope into a resolute conviction one evening actually in December 2008 when I applied to attend The Mountain Retreat and Learning Center as an intern the following semester.  I said to myself, there have been a lot of fits and quits and starts and stops in my college career, and if I am going to ever graduate college after already trying off and on for 8 years, I hereby decree I must complete this semester at The Mountain as an intern in order to find it in myself the path necessary to sustain how ever much more school my unique life requires of me to graduate college.  
+
+So in 2012 when I graduated college, it really really really was a mighty big deal.  And the time that I spent at The Mountain was so vitally imperative to my life story that it should not be glossed over either.  So I am laying in a bookmark right here in paragraph 3 of this story here, and saying I definitely am going to return to tell the full story of The Mountain and what it meant to me.  Yes!  I must absolutely.  
+
+But it also happens that this very night in which I write these words is a similar December 2008 era quality time of catharsis.  So before I write all my memoirs there is this one last statement I truly must make for my humanity, and that too is a decree determining where I am going, and a decree as natural and necessary in my current course of life as bones or muscle tissue in the human form in order to make motion.  
+
+That is because it is now hereby time for me to spread my bow, thread my arrow, and launch my ultimate star of destiny upon the hope of all dreams that must become a reality more than any other.  But you might be glad that it a simple one, if you are rooting for me, as I hope sometimes my blog readers aren’t just advertisers and haters seeking ammunition.  (That’s an aside.)  
+
+This is not an April Fool’s Joke.  It is the simple prayer of a 37 year old quarantined individual to set a plan and find a way through to successfully create for my self a joyful independent life.  As I mulled over words before getting out of bed to write this, I thought I might say “create a way to independent living” because that is more specifically what my goal is around, living independently and sustainably by myself, ie not in the house of my dear harried 77 year old mother.  
+
+It always was a part of my graduation agenda, and maybe a cart I should have initially put before the horse of graduation.  I did create a way to independent living when I was in Berea pursing the last legs of college, and it was joyful, but I didn’t have the sustainable part then, because I moved back home with Mom because I had exhausted myself to death, and also confused my identity about love and hope somewhat.  
+
+Anyway, when I start now to think about independent living, these thoughts find me in the hallmark place of a quarantine during a pandemic.  Not really a place where many people I have witnessed even know how to talk about tomorrow let alone the future.  But this feels like a familiar place to me somehow.  I am pretty sure the world is going to survive on the other side of this pandemic, and I am pretty sure I will make it out alive as will my mother.  We have hunkered down, committed to sheltering in place, me and my mother, in order to keep both of us alive.  
+
+So I find myself staring at the face, not of the corona virus, but of a different thing, not a beast, but a friendly giant I have been carrying around with me as a hope, that I  successfully create for my self a joyful independent life.  It really is the last thing I probably will ever have the courage to ask for myself as a major life goal, because I have had many, and people have witnessed me collecting ideas for my future like sea shells.  But this one is the ultimate, simple wish that I must complete in order to be ok.  
+
+So it also is this boulder that I find that I am going to have to start pushing from now on, whether or not  I always am willing to carry its might.  My plan pretty much is simple.  But I know in order to make it work joyfully with very limited funds, I must push this boulder slowly and carefully if I don’t want it to tumble back a good bit before I finagle a way to roll this Sisyphus up to the height of my mountain.   I use that metaphor because I am familiar with the human goal and the way it can feel like it maybe wasn’t what I needed in the first place after all.  When I determined myself to completing college in 2009, I did a lot of self sabotage like quitting school a few too many times still along the way.  But I did somehow finish, and I know I can complete this goal.  
+
+ Successfully creating for my self a joyful independent life for me as I think about it today actually is as simple as applying again, post pandemic, for public housing and promising myself to make it a joyful experience this time.  I did try this a couple times, but not with the power of this current conviction to complete it.  
+
+OK.  So it is still the middle of the night, and I am going to go back to bed.  But I promise to finish my story soon, and that does mean saying more about what got me here.  Until then, good night!
+
 later March 31
 
 I watched Swiss Army Man for the first time today.  Something in this morbid humor, and laughing for an hour straight, when I wasn't gasping from surprise, has changed my outlook, possibly for the rest of my life.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
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--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,21 @@
+later March 31
+
+I watched Swiss Army Man for the first time today.  Something in this morbid humor, and laughing for an hour straight, when I wasn't gasping from surprise, has changed my outlook, possibly for the rest of my life.  
+
+I could tell from the start it was going to be my new favorite film.  Having finished it, that still is true, which is really making me wonder about myself. 
+
+Maybe dark humor is an area I need to explore in more depth.  I really seem to be tapping into something that is deep rooted, in my new readiness to live life after seeing this movie.  
+
+Part of it was, the protagonist is a man who hauls around a corpse that shows some chance for vitality, so it is all about life and death, and ends up being about extreme situations that people could go through if they stay alive, of course.  There is a huge thread throughout the film, about the divide between life and death, that draws up a genuine sentimentality about life, reminding me of why I am alive, in ways I had not even thought about maybe ever.  
+
+At one point in watching the movie, I was thinking if I ever get out of this, (my morbid story/being in quarantine with my mother) I will really start embracing life.  And I had a lot of oddly specific random new ideas about how to do that.  I might tell you what I dreamed up if you comment.  : ) 
+
+Anyway, watch Swiss Army Man if you like such things.  
+
+Beautiful and available on Netflix.
+[[!img DSCF5196.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+
 March 31, 2020
 
 I was suprised that the best pineapple upside down cake I've ever tasted was made by myself!

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+March 31, 2020
+
+I was suprised that the best pineapple upside down cake I've ever tasted was made by myself!
+
+[[!img DSCF5209.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
 March 30, 2020
 
 Eating grapenuts by twilight.  
@@ -21,3 +27,4 @@ One of these days I did stop for curbside ice cream kind of impulsively, but I g
 
 At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet from people but still see them.  I know I am not the worst case of suffering, and I'm sorry for all of the people who have lost loved ones to covid 19 and who are currently sick and also other mentally ill people like me who are trapped inside.  
 
+

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+March 30, 2020
+
+Eating grapenuts by twilight.  
+
+Feeling a lot less worried about social inactivity.  Dani called and I called Joey and video chatted with Joey and scheduled a video chat, so now feel over-extended socially already.  Plus, every other person is having to manage these times of distancing orders too, so to some degree everyone is switching to introvert mode, whether they planned to or not.  
+
+I have really been loving creating my wind hangings.  Here is a video of this art:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_7mOgmXlCM
+
+In other news I recommend journaling and blogging to others.  It can give you a place to pinpoint issues that might be hanging around unnoticed.  
+
+
 March 29, 2020
 
 We have been socially isolating in my house for 3 weeks come Tuesday.  Schools shut down a week after we started social isolating, to give you a timeline to put us in, in case you hadn't been keeping track.  My social interactions these 3 weeks have been limited.  In fact, I have written down every in person contact I have made, so that I can pinpoint the person who gave it to me if I get it, and also warn others I've seen.  I guess it is supposed to be responsible.  
@@ -9,3 +20,4 @@ I am the kind of person who kind of switches back and forth between introversion
 One of these days I did stop for curbside ice cream kind of impulsively, but I got a terrible earful from my mother when I got home.  Honestly my decision to socially isolate has been for my mother, and to make her happy.  I don't think our relationship with each other is healthy, though, and  I wish I could just go back to normal.  
 
 At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet from people but still see them.  I know I am not the worst case of suffering, and I'm sorry for all of the people who have lost loved ones to covid 19 and who are currently sick and also other mentally ill people like me who are trapped inside.  
+

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 53edc36..fd631d2 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1 +1,11 @@
-This is where the Beauty Itself online bookstore plans to be located.
+March 29, 2020
+
+We have been socially isolating in my house for 3 weeks come Tuesday.  Schools shut down a week after we started social isolating, to give you a timeline to put us in, in case you hadn't been keeping track.  My social interactions these 3 weeks have been limited.  In fact, I have written down every in person contact I have made, so that I can pinpoint the person who gave it to me if I get it, and also warn others I've seen.  I guess it is supposed to be responsible.  
+
+The reason I am journaling though is that I need a place where I can speak what has been occurring inside of me that is not just my paper diary.  Actually, there was a point in week one that was kind of purely peaceful, like going on vacation, able to do more in a day, with no outside demands to take my time and energy.  But I am the kind of person that really needs other people.  I get withdrawn and thinking about being separate from society indefinitely really confuses me.  
+
+I am the kind of person who kind of switches back and forth between introversion and extroversion, and this might really make it so I go so deeply introverted I won't know how to be around others, or will be even more confused socially than I already was.  
+
+One of these days I did stop for curbside ice cream kind of impulsively, but I got a terrible earful from my mother when I got home.  Honestly my decision to socially isolate has been for my mother, and to make her happy.  I don't think our relationship with each other is healthy, though, and  I wish I could just go back to normal.  
+
+At least I am healthy and safe.  At least I can sit on my porch and be 6 feet from people but still see them.  I know I am not the worst case of suffering, and I'm sorry for all of the people who have lost loved ones to covid 19 and who are currently sick and also other mentally ill people like me who are trapped inside.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 59a1c1c..53edc36 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,41 +1 @@
-Thoughts on 18 
-
-If I could tell the 18 year old tragic me one thing it would be this, "It would be ok if all you did for the rest of your life was to rest and sit around doing nothing."  I was probably the most driven 18 year old you might have seen.  I pulled into my britches so hard, I drove myself straight to the mental ward.  They sent me home with medications that drove me into a stupor.  I woke up running, trying to find my way to impact the world or be who I was really meant to be.  
-
-The pressures of life can be so intense.  It would be so wonderful if someone really could say something to remove the pressure.  Pressure stems from everywhere but I was the one who magnified the intensity as I let it in. 
-
-The funny thing is, if I really needed to rest and do nothing all my life, I don’t think I could.  Like so many creative people I am an artist and a poet.  When babies hear music their little bodies dance.  That groove is how it is to have the urge to paint or write.  It overcomes us sometimes.  
-
-Well, on the flip side, if I did absolutely nothing, not a thing, I would need someone to change my bedding, and wash my laundry.  Maybe what I am getting at is instead of doing nothing all the time, that minimizing what we do can be terrific.  I see meditation and doing nothing as going hand in hand or maybe being the same hand.  Of course I’d be a lazy monk if I didn’t walk my dog, but that is not a good way to put it.  I walk my dog because she needs walked and I love walking.  Chores are necessary, but not really the point.  The point is don’t drive yourself into self hatred by pressuring yourself to do more eternally until there is no reason really.  
-
-The main thing to emphasize is not the second part of the sentence.  It is simply the “it would be ok.”  I used to judge myself for everything I did or said or did not do with a severe scrutiny.  Give yourself permission, is my point.  Let yourself let in and let go and if it means take a month just to rest, that is the best thing you can do.  We as humans need rest and we need it more than we generally say or believe or emphasize or do.  
-
-It happens to be that I write this during the covid19 pandemic.  Staying home has really been something I have been savoring and enjoying.  But I am still deeply concerned by this fast spreading virus, especially as it affects more vulnerable and older people first.  So I pray older people and vulnerable people stay safe!  
-
-I guess there should ideally be a balance between doing and not doing, as one friend, Mary Clark, suggests.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-Lucky and Brazen
-
-
-
-
-
-
-Just now, I was lying in bed, and coming out of a period of sleep in the night.  I was thinking about this time I saw a field of young soccer players in Costa Rica, a field I saw many times, but the first time I saw the field, I remember I had on my stupid American hat, maybe, and I was saying to my sister loudly, I wondered if they were hungry.  My sister explained to me that many Costa Rican children have it better than many children in the United States, which is only partially true, but I believed it, as the children hollered back to me, Americana!  
-
-Then I started thinking about how in that phase of my life, when I was 18 in Costa Rica, a good word for how I related with the Costa Ricans might be that I was Brazen.  It happens that Brazen is a word I have named my dog, and so I thought a lot more about the word in a new light.  I used to volunteer in the library, and I would say things that were rude and joyful at the same time, I think.  I didn’t really do it on purpose, I just felt the Quakers in the library were familiar to me, and easy to talk to, and so I might say something like openly expressing the exact amount of money my sister paid for our rental house, but at the same time, excited about wild plants and animals I had encountered.  
-
-I think that rude and joyful is a side of the word Brazen I had not yet thought of.  Often when I explain the name of my dog, I say her name is Brazen because she needed to be brave, so I named her Brazen to help her be able to be brave.  But there is something about raw truth expressed gleefully by a young person or child, that can be called Brazen.  I have a young neighbor who is Brazen, this boy who rides his bike, and his sensibilities speak to the Huck Finn nature of my youth.  Some people guard the truth.  Others just tell it, with a big grin, even if it is not the best political idea at the time.  There is something about being Brazen that is more honest, and this is a big part of why I like it.  It also is more like a child in a way.  
-
-Since I was thinking about Costa Rica, also, something came up about the last time I saw Lucky Guindon, and the letters we have been exchanging.   When I returned to Costa Rica, I think the main reason really was to see Lucky.  I tried to make it be a different reason, that my life calling was somehow involved in Costa Rica or something.  But it really was Lucky has impacted me in such a way that I really needed to see her again.  I wish I had been as honest or clear about my reason for returning to Costa Rica as I was in the library at 18, but I was not aware until really now.  
-
-When I saw Lucky, she said something about letters, about how she is receptive to get letters even if I wasn’t sure she knew me.  She said something about the true reason for letters is for the letter writer, that they might have something they needed to say, which struck me as entirely true, and very honest.
-
-I am not entirely certain why Lucky has been so important to me.  Part of it could be she was a beloved person in a place of so many wonderful people, that she co-founded a community, so had great stature there, of so many honorable souls.  But I think the real reason was she related with me in a way that made me feel like I was somebody.  So as it turns, I am the lucky one!  
-
+This is where the Beauty Itself online bookstore plans to be located.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index b1a9603..59a1c1c 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,2 +1,41 @@
-New Year
+Thoughts on 18 
+
+If I could tell the 18 year old tragic me one thing it would be this, "It would be ok if all you did for the rest of your life was to rest and sit around doing nothing."  I was probably the most driven 18 year old you might have seen.  I pulled into my britches so hard, I drove myself straight to the mental ward.  They sent me home with medications that drove me into a stupor.  I woke up running, trying to find my way to impact the world or be who I was really meant to be.  
+
+The pressures of life can be so intense.  It would be so wonderful if someone really could say something to remove the pressure.  Pressure stems from everywhere but I was the one who magnified the intensity as I let it in. 
+
+The funny thing is, if I really needed to rest and do nothing all my life, I don’t think I could.  Like so many creative people I am an artist and a poet.  When babies hear music their little bodies dance.  That groove is how it is to have the urge to paint or write.  It overcomes us sometimes.  
+
+Well, on the flip side, if I did absolutely nothing, not a thing, I would need someone to change my bedding, and wash my laundry.  Maybe what I am getting at is instead of doing nothing all the time, that minimizing what we do can be terrific.  I see meditation and doing nothing as going hand in hand or maybe being the same hand.  Of course I’d be a lazy monk if I didn’t walk my dog, but that is not a good way to put it.  I walk my dog because she needs walked and I love walking.  Chores are necessary, but not really the point.  The point is don’t drive yourself into self hatred by pressuring yourself to do more eternally until there is no reason really.  
+
+The main thing to emphasize is not the second part of the sentence.  It is simply the “it would be ok.”  I used to judge myself for everything I did or said or did not do with a severe scrutiny.  Give yourself permission, is my point.  Let yourself let in and let go and if it means take a month just to rest, that is the best thing you can do.  We as humans need rest and we need it more than we generally say or believe or emphasize or do.  
+
+It happens to be that I write this during the covid19 pandemic.  Staying home has really been something I have been savoring and enjoying.  But I am still deeply concerned by this fast spreading virus, especially as it affects more vulnerable and older people first.  So I pray older people and vulnerable people stay safe!  
+
+I guess there should ideally be a balance between doing and not doing, as one friend, Mary Clark, suggests.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Lucky and Brazen
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Just now, I was lying in bed, and coming out of a period of sleep in the night.  I was thinking about this time I saw a field of young soccer players in Costa Rica, a field I saw many times, but the first time I saw the field, I remember I had on my stupid American hat, maybe, and I was saying to my sister loudly, I wondered if they were hungry.  My sister explained to me that many Costa Rican children have it better than many children in the United States, which is only partially true, but I believed it, as the children hollered back to me, Americana!  
+
+Then I started thinking about how in that phase of my life, when I was 18 in Costa Rica, a good word for how I related with the Costa Ricans might be that I was Brazen.  It happens that Brazen is a word I have named my dog, and so I thought a lot more about the word in a new light.  I used to volunteer in the library, and I would say things that were rude and joyful at the same time, I think.  I didn’t really do it on purpose, I just felt the Quakers in the library were familiar to me, and easy to talk to, and so I might say something like openly expressing the exact amount of money my sister paid for our rental house, but at the same time, excited about wild plants and animals I had encountered.  
+
+I think that rude and joyful is a side of the word Brazen I had not yet thought of.  Often when I explain the name of my dog, I say her name is Brazen because she needed to be brave, so I named her Brazen to help her be able to be brave.  But there is something about raw truth expressed gleefully by a young person or child, that can be called Brazen.  I have a young neighbor who is Brazen, this boy who rides his bike, and his sensibilities speak to the Huck Finn nature of my youth.  Some people guard the truth.  Others just tell it, with a big grin, even if it is not the best political idea at the time.  There is something about being Brazen that is more honest, and this is a big part of why I like it.  It also is more like a child in a way.  
+
+Since I was thinking about Costa Rica, also, something came up about the last time I saw Lucky Guindon, and the letters we have been exchanging.   When I returned to Costa Rica, I think the main reason really was to see Lucky.  I tried to make it be a different reason, that my life calling was somehow involved in Costa Rica or something.  But it really was Lucky has impacted me in such a way that I really needed to see her again.  I wish I had been as honest or clear about my reason for returning to Costa Rica as I was in the library at 18, but I was not aware until really now.  
+
+When I saw Lucky, she said something about letters, about how she is receptive to get letters even if I wasn’t sure she knew me.  She said something about the true reason for letters is for the letter writer, that they might have something they needed to say, which struck me as entirely true, and very honest.
+
+I am not entirely certain why Lucky has been so important to me.  Part of it could be she was a beloved person in a place of so many wonderful people, that she co-founded a community, so had great stature there, of so many honorable souls.  But I think the real reason was she related with me in a way that made me feel like I was somebody.  So as it turns, I am the lucky one!  
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 71d0f11..b1a9603 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,640 +1,2 @@
-January 31, 2020
-
-All that I have written has been processing.  
-I have said many times I need to be more selective with my sharing of what I write.  
-I am grappling with that.  What I think always has the feeling of wanting to be examined by someone else.  It feels like I want people to look over my work immediately or soon.  The sooner the better.  As a friend from college always said sympathetically, writers love to be read.
-
-Editing process.  This is my best plan.  The blog is one place where writing first copies is ok, it seems, because I am not forcing others to read or look at it.  I need to start writing more documents, unshared.  I never know when people want to read my stuff.  Hmmm.
-
-
-
-
-January 25, 2020
-
-Fitness Itself is the best motivator.  
-
-I just got back from a boxing class at the Y, following laps and water aquatics.  
-
-
-January 10, 2020
-
-Life is beautiful.  Life is so so beautiful.  So grateful for a poem Daddy sent me by Linda Pastan and an infinite heart carved out of wood so long ago I may have lost to the world, but the love will always be there for me.  
-
-January 2, 2020
-
-The classic bipolar person has overwhelming feelings and the classic schizophrenic person has overwhelming thoughts.  Schizoaffective disorder is classic as a condition that makes people confuse feelings with thoughts.  
-
-So, years ago, a friend of mine dared me to listen to Evangelical type Praise music on the radio and not enjoy it.  I was in my big period of war against organized religion.  So I took her up on it and oddly have been listening to Praise music in the car every chance I can steal.  
-
-Lately I put on a lot more, before I re-encountered an old friend and coworker who inspired my heart to actually care about the bible as a poem.  I listen to the praise music largely because of the way it makes me feel.  I could argue technicalities of my beliefs versus what others believe or what I think I am supposed to believe in my family versus other people's ideology.  But darn it, I wanted to love the bible for my friend.  So I decided to read it as something I can't help to love, a poem.  When I listen to the praise music, or cry in Mom's church, or enjoy grateful feelings of the Holy Spirit in Quaker Meeting, it is all emotion.  The emotion for me becomes more important than any logical thought.  
-
-It doesn't matter if it is fact or mythology or a combination or both at the same time.  I know in my heart it is true because I trust my friend.  Because he reminded me I have this thing inside myself which loves so much to be in Mom's church or Quaker Meeting and now, bible study with my friend.  I love it.  It just feels good to trust something like that.  In fact if something about it seems illogical, the simultaneous concert of hope I feel when I pray and praise seems more important to me than my own father or brother's possible annoyance that I am such a darned Christian and why?  
- 
-
-
-Plant your dream
-
-deep.  
-
-Much deeper than conventional 
-
-planting.  
-
-A dream should be 
-
-all but forgotten
-
-when the right question 
-
-disrupts its seed
-
-just enough and 
-
-in the exact way necessary
-
-to remind the dreamer 
-
-she ever put it there.  
-
-
-Some questions may come
-
-in abrasively or 
-
-strangely, especially if pure.
-
-A question maybe
-
-almost a disguised plea
-
-to be quiet please 
-
-for one more hour
-
-or so.
-
-Or to journal (instead of talking)
-
-Which somehow always 
-
-leads the dreamer magically 
-
-to the exact right place
-
-and time.
-
-
-December 31, 2019
-
-What is a Letter?
-
-a poem by Maggie Hess
-
-A letter is a wish, if just to remain hopeful,
-
-sometimes we cast out these questions to the Universe
-
-from the bottom of a pit of despair
-
-thinking we have reached the top of that month's feelings,
-
-forgetting that our phases 
-
-sometimes can obscure
-
-the longer term promises we make ourselves.
-
-Then some Costa Rican Granma hears our dark moment.  
-
-She knows perspective, if anyone does.  
-
-Being able to write a letter and really mean it
-
-means somehow there is a person, a sibling, a mentor, a friend,
-
-somewhere in the world there is a set of reading eyes.
-
-Then when it all circles back
-
-and the world is your oyster again
-
-and it is a better month
-
-and you are updating Lucky with new hope,
-
-let someone else know
-
-you are there for them,
-
-always open to getting letters!  
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-December 21, 2019
-
-
-hip grannies for peace
-
-[[!img hip_granies.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-
-happy solstice to all!
-
-[[!img friends_for_life.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-
-
-
-December 20, 2019
-
-My disability got approved without me needing to go to court.  
-
-In other witness, I am now reading the bible as a poem and loving it!!
-
-River's Way Sightings
-
-Saw Greg yesterday near the weight room.  
-
-Today, did water Aerobics.
-
-Talked with Thom Hanlon about reading the bible like a poem.  _Never_ had done that before!  Very smart.  Everything makes better sense when I talk with Tom.  It is fail safe.  I hope he has a restful holiday season.  He is maybe the most compassionate person I know.  I really need that.  And it helps to have someone as tuned into my reality and perceptive as he is.  I call him my mentor but he seems of unsure of what I mean by the word.   
-
-Oh, Johnny was at the water aerobics time playing in the rest of the water.  I never had seen him in the water since the start of my River's Way involvement and it was interesting to notice him in that good small pool we both love.  
-
-Happy Winter! 
-
-December 19, 2019
-
-Trying to turn the phone off this week.  No need for treatment yet for sleep apnea.  Might heal it with exercise too.  Doctor is the best one I've known.  Supremely optimistic.  
-
-
-December 18, 2019
-
-- declined first book deal.
-- made 3 friends.  
-
-
-
---
-
-I'm Mugword on instagram btw.  
-
-December 17, 2019
-
-Happy early Winter Solstice from the Hesses!
-
-[[!img eyes_connect_Mom_maggie.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img not_posing_maggie_joey.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img selfie_maggie_Mom.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-
-
-December 16, 2019

(Diff truncated)
diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 99d37a9..71d0f11 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,33 +1,19 @@
-January 25, 2020
-
-Fitness Itself is the best motivator.  
-
-I just got back from a boxing class at the Y, following laps and water aquatics.  
-
-January 23, 2020
-
-Russia is Profiting from Climate Change and while their economy grows and they celebrate national oil day, my friends in Florida really will not likely be able to remain on the disappearing peninsula as long as they hoped, and my acquaintances in India are dealing with landslides, while family and friends in California or Australia are burning in fire.  
+January 31, 2020
 
-For a while, I have been deeply listening to a friend of mine who has been praying for me and telling me about God and his understanding of the Bible.  I have not been able to bring myself to think much about politics this month, and I am glad.  I don't want to think about "politics" ever again.  At the same time what is going on in climate change is a real threat that is bringing suffering to many.  
+All that I have written has been processing.  
+I have said many times I need to be more selective with my sharing of what I write.  
+I am grappling with that.  What I think always has the feeling of wanting to be examined by someone else.  It feels like I want people to look over my work immediately or soon.  The sooner the better.  As a friend from college always said sympathetically, writers love to be read.
 
-Sure perspective is everything.  If all you care about is returning to the Holy Land to meet the second coming Christ, you might miss some of the other events happening around.  I am not saying Christ is not returning to the Holy Land.  I deeply do not know if Christ will return to he holy land.  I know Palestine is suffering a genocide.  I know Israelis are suffering.  Diving into the conflict in the middle east is not my MO here and today.  
+Editing process.  This is my best plan.  The blog is one place where writing first copies is ok, it seems, because I am not forcing others to read or look at it.  I need to start writing more documents, unshared.  I never know when people want to read my stuff.  Hmmm.
 
-Maybe I am too feeble or uneducated to know what to say about the Palestine Israeli conflict.  Maybe I am being political, shielding my Christian friends from the truth of the suffering they are incurring.  OK.  Sure.  
 
-But climate change is different.  It is not for me something I allow to be perverted into being called "Politics".  Sometimes I hear people proud of people for taking a political cause or being a conservationist, and I see those as 2 different things.  I once was proud of people for being political.  I am not there anymore.  But the suffering Climate Change is bringing is drastic and threatening life everywhere.  
 
-So I guess this is a notice to people who might be hearing me wince at politics to pray instead, to say I still care about justice and humanity.  I care about people and I don't want them to worry or be hurt or drown or burn or for all of their native livestock and creatures to die of fire or rain or drought or extreme circumstances of climate.  
 
-I believe in the prayer.  I do think it can be an answer to tangible problems.  I know it sounds crazy maybe to believe prayer can bring about results, but therapy can, so why can't prayer?  
-
-The questions that I hear from Christians and Non-Christians are the same questions.  I know what I know and that is my faith.  I believe what I believe and I am sure of it at least now.
-
-We have to do what is right in our heart.  All of us do.  We all have to listen deeply and follow our dreams like they are a newspaper or a map to what is necessary.  
-
-I am becoming more likely to talk about God.  I have always believed in God so less shame in any area is good, right?  
+January 25, 2020
 
-Even knowing God's will is hard.  But it also is basic and easy.  All you have to do is tune into the right inner channel.  
+Fitness Itself is the best motivator.  
 
+I just got back from a boxing class at the Y, following laps and water aquatics.  
 
 
 January 10, 2020

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index ce688f6..99d37a9 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,9 @@
+January 25, 2020
+
+Fitness Itself is the best motivator.  
+
+I just got back from a boxing class at the Y, following laps and water aquatics.  
+
 January 23, 2020
 
 Russia is Profiting from Climate Change and while their economy grows and they celebrate national oil day, my friends in Florida really will not likely be able to remain on the disappearing peninsula as long as they hoped, and my acquaintances in India are dealing with landslides, while family and friends in California or Australia are burning in fire.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index fc899a7..ce688f6 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,29 @@
+January 23, 2020
+
+Russia is Profiting from Climate Change and while their economy grows and they celebrate national oil day, my friends in Florida really will not likely be able to remain on the disappearing peninsula as long as they hoped, and my acquaintances in India are dealing with landslides, while family and friends in California or Australia are burning in fire.  
+
+For a while, I have been deeply listening to a friend of mine who has been praying for me and telling me about God and his understanding of the Bible.  I have not been able to bring myself to think much about politics this month, and I am glad.  I don't want to think about "politics" ever again.  At the same time what is going on in climate change is a real threat that is bringing suffering to many.  
+
+Sure perspective is everything.  If all you care about is returning to the Holy Land to meet the second coming Christ, you might miss some of the other events happening around.  I am not saying Christ is not returning to the Holy Land.  I deeply do not know if Christ will return to he holy land.  I know Palestine is suffering a genocide.  I know Israelis are suffering.  Diving into the conflict in the middle east is not my MO here and today.  
+
+Maybe I am too feeble or uneducated to know what to say about the Palestine Israeli conflict.  Maybe I am being political, shielding my Christian friends from the truth of the suffering they are incurring.  OK.  Sure.  
+
+But climate change is different.  It is not for me something I allow to be perverted into being called "Politics".  Sometimes I hear people proud of people for taking a political cause or being a conservationist, and I see those as 2 different things.  I once was proud of people for being political.  I am not there anymore.  But the suffering Climate Change is bringing is drastic and threatening life everywhere.  
+
+So I guess this is a notice to people who might be hearing me wince at politics to pray instead, to say I still care about justice and humanity.  I care about people and I don't want them to worry or be hurt or drown or burn or for all of their native livestock and creatures to die of fire or rain or drought or extreme circumstances of climate.  
+
+I believe in the prayer.  I do think it can be an answer to tangible problems.  I know it sounds crazy maybe to believe prayer can bring about results, but therapy can, so why can't prayer?  
+
+The questions that I hear from Christians and Non-Christians are the same questions.  I know what I know and that is my faith.  I believe what I believe and I am sure of it at least now.
+
+We have to do what is right in our heart.  All of us do.  We all have to listen deeply and follow our dreams like they are a newspaper or a map to what is necessary.  
+
+I am becoming more likely to talk about God.  I have always believed in God so less shame in any area is good, right?  
+
+Even knowing God's will is hard.  But it also is basic and easy.  All you have to do is tune into the right inner channel.  
+
+
+
 January 10, 2020
 
 Life is beautiful.  Life is so so beautiful.  So grateful for a poem Daddy sent me by Linda Pastan and an infinite heart carved out of wood so long ago I may have lost to the world, but the love will always be there for me.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 04fded4..fc899a7 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+January 10, 2020
+
+Life is beautiful.  Life is so so beautiful.  So grateful for a poem Daddy sent me by Linda Pastan and an infinite heart carved out of wood so long ago I may have lost to the world, but the love will always be there for me.  
+
 January 2, 2020
 
 The classic bipolar person has overwhelming feelings and the classic schizophrenic person has overwhelming thoughts.  Schizoaffective disorder is classic as a condition that makes people confuse feelings with thoughts.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 55c8995..04fded4 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,67 @@
+January 2, 2020
+
+The classic bipolar person has overwhelming feelings and the classic schizophrenic person has overwhelming thoughts.  Schizoaffective disorder is classic as a condition that makes people confuse feelings with thoughts.  
+
+So, years ago, a friend of mine dared me to listen to Evangelical type Praise music on the radio and not enjoy it.  I was in my big period of war against organized religion.  So I took her up on it and oddly have been listening to Praise music in the car every chance I can steal.  
+
+Lately I put on a lot more, before I re-encountered an old friend and coworker who inspired my heart to actually care about the bible as a poem.  I listen to the praise music largely because of the way it makes me feel.  I could argue technicalities of my beliefs versus what others believe or what I think I am supposed to believe in my family versus other people's ideology.  But darn it, I wanted to love the bible for my friend.  So I decided to read it as something I can't help to love, a poem.  When I listen to the praise music, or cry in Mom's church, or enjoy grateful feelings of the Holy Spirit in Quaker Meeting, it is all emotion.  The emotion for me becomes more important than any logical thought.  
+
+It doesn't matter if it is fact or mythology or a combination or both at the same time.  I know in my heart it is true because I trust my friend.  Because he reminded me I have this thing inside myself which loves so much to be in Mom's church or Quaker Meeting and now, bible study with my friend.  I love it.  It just feels good to trust something like that.  In fact if something about it seems illogical, the simultaneous concert of hope I feel when I pray and praise seems more important to me than my own father or brother's possible annoyance that I am such a darned Christian and why?  
+ 
+
+
+Plant your dream
+
+deep.  
+
+Much deeper than conventional 
+
+planting.  
+
+A dream should be 
+
+all but forgotten
+
+when the right question 
+
+disrupts its seed
+
+just enough and 
+
+in the exact way necessary
+
+to remind the dreamer 
+
+she ever put it there.  
+
+
+Some questions may come
+
+in abrasively or 
+
+strangely, especially if pure.
+
+A question maybe
+
+almost a disguised plea
+
+to be quiet please 
+
+for one more hour
+
+or so.
+
+Or to journal (instead of talking)
+
+Which somehow always 
+
+leads the dreamer magically 
+
+to the exact right place
+
+and time.
+
+
 December 31, 2019
 
 What is a Letter?

calendar update
diff --git a/archives/2020.mdwn b/archives/2020.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8843a09
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+[[!calendar type=year year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/01.mdwn b/archives/2020/01.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0577516
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/01.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=01 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(01) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/02.mdwn b/archives/2020/02.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..189d77c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/02.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=02 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(02) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/03.mdwn b/archives/2020/03.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..63a191c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/03.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=03 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(03) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/04.mdwn b/archives/2020/04.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d8be67f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/04.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=04 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(04) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/05.mdwn b/archives/2020/05.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..92e59fa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/05.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=05 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(05) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/06.mdwn b/archives/2020/06.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fff6e79
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/06.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=06 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(06) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/07.mdwn b/archives/2020/07.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9674bf2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/07.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=07 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(07) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/08.mdwn b/archives/2020/08.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..19eec13
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/08.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=08 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(08) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/09.mdwn b/archives/2020/09.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..282af8d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/09.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=09 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(09) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/10.mdwn b/archives/2020/10.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e459232
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/10.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=10 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(10) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/11.mdwn b/archives/2020/11.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b462704
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/11.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=11 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(11) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]
diff --git a/archives/2020/12.mdwn b/archives/2020/12.mdwn
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2503185
--- /dev/null
+++ b/archives/2020/12.mdwn
@@ -0,0 +1,5 @@
+[[!sidebar content="""
+[[!calendar type=month month=12 year=2020 pages="page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion"]]
+"""]]
+
+[[!inline pages="creation_month(12) and creation_year(2020) and page(posts/*) and !*/Discussion" show=0 feeds=no reverse=yes]]

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index a727133..55c8995 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,55 @@
+December 31, 2019
+
+What is a Letter?
+
+a poem by Maggie Hess
+
+A letter is a wish, if just to remain hopeful,
+
+sometimes we cast out these questions to the Universe
+
+from the bottom of a pit of despair
+
+thinking we have reached the top of that month's feelings,
+
+forgetting that our phases 
+
+sometimes can obscure
+
+the longer term promises we make ourselves.
+
+Then some Costa Rican Granma hears our dark moment.  
+
+She knows perspective, if anyone does.  
+
+Being able to write a letter and really mean it
+
+means somehow there is a person, a sibling, a mentor, a friend,
+
+somewhere in the world there is a set of reading eyes.
+
+Then when it all circles back
+
+and the world is your oyster again
+
+and it is a better month
+
+and you are updating Lucky with new hope,
+
+let someone else know
+
+you are there for them,
+
+always open to getting letters!  
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
 December 21, 2019
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index f19314b..a727133 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,16 @@
+December 21, 2019
+
+
+hip grannies for peace
+
+[[!img hip_granies.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+happy solstice to all!
+
+[[!img friends_for_life.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+
+
 December 20, 2019
 
 My disability got approved without me needing to go to court.  

attachment upload
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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 8f746f3..f19314b 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,21 @@
+December 20, 2019
+
+My disability got approved without me needing to go to court.  
+
+In other witness, I am now reading the bible as a poem and loving it!!
+
+River's Way Sightings
+
+Saw Greg yesterday near the weight room.  
+
+Today, did water Aerobics.
+
+Talked with Thom Hanlon about reading the bible like a poem.  _Never_ had done that before!  Very smart.  Everything makes better sense when I talk with Tom.  It is fail safe.  I hope he has a restful holiday season.  He is maybe the most compassionate person I know.  I really need that.  And it helps to have someone as tuned into my reality and perceptive as he is.  I call him my mentor but he seems of unsure of what I mean by the word.   
+
+Oh, Johnny was at the water aerobics time playing in the rest of the water.  I never had seen him in the water since the start of my River's Way involvement and it was interesting to notice him in that good small pool we both love.  
+
+Happy Winter! 
+
 December 19, 2019
 
 Trying to turn the phone off this week.  No need for treatment yet for sleep apnea.  Might heal it with exercise too.  Doctor is the best one I've known.  Supremely optimistic.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 758135b..8f746f3 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,8 @@
+December 19, 2019
+
+Trying to turn the phone off this week.  No need for treatment yet for sleep apnea.  Might heal it with exercise too.  Doctor is the best one I've known.  Supremely optimistic.  
+
+
 December 18, 2019
 
 - declined first book deal.

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 0da5bf5..758135b 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
 December 18, 2019
 
 - declined first book deal.
--made 3 friends.  
+- made 3 friends.  
 
 
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index fe8eb32..0da5bf5 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,14 @@
+December 18, 2019
+
+- declined first book deal.
+-made 3 friends.  
+
+
+
+--
+
+I'm Mugword on instagram btw.  
+
 December 17, 2019
 
 Happy early Winter Solstice from the Hesses!

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 60464f9..fe8eb32 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,12 @@
+December 17, 2019
+
+Happy early Winter Solstice from the Hesses!
+
+[[!img eyes_connect_Mom_maggie.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img not_posing_maggie_joey.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img selfie_maggie_Mom.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+
 December 16, 2019
 
 I tried to quit starting jobs, and I guess I succeeded, but one last time, I started by applying to another job, at a day center for mentally ill people working as peer supporter.  I think they were going to accept me for the position, when I realized the job would deplete what I need to take care of myself and keep myself sane.  So I called and said, sorry, I can't do it working for you after all.
@@ -442,3 +451,5 @@ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE
 
 
 
+
+

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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 8e42bd0..60464f9 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -128,7 +128,7 @@ PS  Want more art?
 
 [[!img modified.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img sunny_landscape.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
-[[!img abstract.JPG align="right" size="" alt="400x"]]
+[[!img abstract.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img sprinke_heart.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img rainy_puddle.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 [[!img dog_cat_butterfly.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 0d42afc..8e42bd0 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,139 @@
+December 16, 2019
+
+I tried to quit starting jobs, and I guess I succeeded, but one last time, I started by applying to another job, at a day center for mentally ill people working as peer supporter.  I think they were going to accept me for the position, when I realized the job would deplete what I need to take care of myself and keep myself sane.  So I called and said, sorry, I can't do it working for you after all.
+
+Now it has been a long time since Thanksgiving, or whenever I last wrote here.  Listen as I explain what has happened!  I will be updating from various things I have written, copying them in here.  
+
+But first let's start with a new painting or two for the season.  
+
+
+[[!img the_angel_gabriel.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img rendition_of_bethlyham.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img a_draft_of_fishes.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
+It is genuinely too bad I haven't updated for so long!
+
+PART ONE  
+
+UNIVERSAL APOLOGY
+
+All I knew how to do until now was apologize, which never is enough without a better explanation, at least something heartfelt that goes deeper.  Why am I spending so much time and energy focusing on you or our relationship?  Because you are very important to me whether you want to be the focus of attention or not.  But there is another reason you might like to hear more.  I have been severely bitter and angry at everyone.  It doesn't come across all the time like anger, but my level of anger at everyone has been getting worse and worse, to the point that I didn't want to go out at all for Thanksgiving, to the point that I couldn't reach out to anyone, to the point that I wasn't sure why I am alive.  I was having trouble digging to the bottom of the root of this anger all by myself or even in therapy, even writing in my journal.  I couldn't figure out where it started.  You can imagine a children's picture of a giant root and me with a rake pulling it so hard I fell back.  That has been me, either that or tangled up by the root, by the anger, thrashing whomever I thought of or whomever got in my way.  Or just making a silent vow never to talk to so many other people again.  
+
+Then today, I went to see Won't You be my Neighbor, which is a new movie out about Mr Rogers with Tom Hanks playing our hero, who is interviewed by a journalist who initially would prefer write a take down piece.  The journalist is very angry at his father and Mr. Rogers teaches him about forgiveness in a very nice way.  So while I was watching this occur on the screen I was thinking my own thoughts about who is it I am angry at and I didn't name a single name, because the truth came to me, I have been very angry at myself.  I guess you could put a name on it "mental illness" because I am angry at the mental illness in a way, but more succinctly for me, I have been angry at how people respond to me because of the illness, or the fact that people have to take care of me, or treat me differently, or don't come to see me when I am hospitalized, or the fact that someone came to the hospital and brought her own baggage because she couldn't really take care of me, or the fact that it has led to my weight gain, and how obese mentally ill people live an average of 25 fewer years because of heart disease and how my red blood count is high right now.  
+
+The reason I am angry or rather that I have until now had way too much residual anger boiling under my skin is I am deeply discouraged by my mental illness.  It has come to a crux.  And sure lots of interpersonal arguments happened, but the thing is, my being angry at other people is entirely built upon anger I have at myself.  And to top that, it makes it a million times worse.
+
+Now in writing this my doctor calls and suggests I have sleep apnea and not heart disease, and it reminds me of where I am going with this writing, that I also am very grateful.  
+
+I am a person who believes in right and wrong, in injustice and justice, and it is why I get angry, but it could also be a reason to not be angry.  My Mom asked what are you going to do to be nice to yourself?  And I think the most important first step in my being nice to myself is to be nice to you and all the other people I have been bitter towards.  It is going to be hard patching it back together with all of these broken relationships, but I need all of them and hopefully they will also take Mr Rogers to heart and do what makes them less angry too, because that is the best thing for all of us to do for all of us and ultimately for ourselves.  
+
+
+PART TWO 
+
+A LONG WALK:  SOMETHING TO CHANGE MY MIND OVER
+
+I have been thinking for several days I want to plan a long northward segment hike on the AT starting around mid April or May on the TN VA line. I have this idea that I might want to hike shelter to shelter and not use a tent because it takes room and is weighty.  I know shelters can get crowded along there and might decided to leave earlier in April due to those questions.  I am conditioning to a point, and am losing some weight, which might help me out there.  If you want to come along for any or all of it, I know you share the dream.  I hadn't looked much into AT hiking until now, and probably won't make it to Maine, and am not even sure if I am trying, but want to go on a long walk.  If I do make it to Maine, I can do the southward trek later in my life and call myself one of the few who have walked the whole thing.  I just want to start walking and see where I land.  I have a backpack, sleeping bag, hiking shoes, and am hoping to prepare food for he walk.  I'll let you know if I chicken out, but I have been researching this for days.  :)
+
+
+Actually, I was having trouble thinking about whether to go northbound or southbound and there seem a lot of pros for southbound when starting in May in Virginia.  I am starting to think southbound towards Georgia wins.  Also, I could potentially walk from Damascus as my starting point, and leave after trail days May 17-19.  
+
+it is a shorter trek to Georgia
+it can be really full of other people who all walk along the same trail, either way, but they become a community and know eachother, which can have pros and cons both ways, but for the feeling of solitude, I might want to go south
+Pennsylvania has tons of long rocky segments that don't feel worth it, so I might want more experience before PA, and could go south this time, and North some other year.
+
+PART THREE
+
+THE JOY OF QUITTING
+
+I am processing what happened today.  I had thought it might be beneficial for me to mentor or peer counsel mentally ill people, for my own development and growth.  So amazingly, I found an opportunity where I could work with mentally ill people in a drop in day center in town.  My title would have been "peer counselor".  I went through the initial steps of employment, and they wanted me, but wanted to have me do various more steps, like sitting in prior to employment in the center to see how I got along with people.  I got along fine, and it was an uneventful day, mostly, except for what was occurring inside of me, a reassessment of things internal, an introspective moment that might shape my identity.  When I came home, I needed a long nap or 2 just to process all that needed thought through.
+
+I always kind of assumed that mentally ill people are like me.  A family friend of mine kind of annoyed me once when she said I am "Beautiful Mind" but she has a point.  On one dimension, I think I always used to think all mentally ill people at least have the capacity to be "Beautiful Mind" like me.  
+
+The center was very full in capacity.  I think everyone there is helped by being in the center, but I immediately upon coming home made a decision not to go work there to help the people more.  My life commitment seems to be to Poetry and Art and NOT directly to helping people though my poems and  art might help.  Being in the center helped me to clarify that.  One of the people in the center was an artist and seems blind also, but the rest of them do not seem as productive, were lower functioning, and probably are generally lower intelligence.  Maybe I had heard someone say that I am a sort of outlier, being Beautiful Mind-ish.  I just never took it in and thought it could be fact.  
+
+PART 4  
+
+WRITTEN ON NAMI DISCUSSION FORUM
+
+I want to say this delicately as possible, and to not seem ungrateful.  
+
+I have schizoaffective disorder and come to a place like this nami discussion forum to talk with other people with the diagnosis.  I am aware there are care givers (and burnt out care givers who might no longer be able to give care) in this forum.  My experience has always found challenge in dealing with other people's care givers, and sometimes my own.  There is a feeling of resentment, of people wishing their children/spouse/sibling had not ended up being one of those crazy people.  I have people in my life who go to al anon because of me, who I barely communicate with.  I also really am not the worst case of a schizoaffective person, of what one could me.  I don't do drugs, I don't do alchohol, I take my meds as prescribed, I am compliant, I am nonviolent.  I had to be hospitalized this year, but I did everything in my power to get back on track as soon as possible.  I used to start jobs a lot and then have to quit them, but I have learned from my pattern and have been working on not starting things, because it drains people.  If I was independent, I would be different, I would act differently, I would try more things, but I live with my 78 year old mother and I tune into her world.  I do what she would need, I often am care taking her.  I have trouble interacting with care givers, but I do well with my Mom for the most part.  I do not like the do-gooder-mentality as it oppresses me.  I find people complatining about their "loved" one with mental illness but they don't seem like they would be doing any better if they were in our shoes.  It is not our fault.  It is a medical condition.  It is not our desire to have these things happen, to experience psychosis, to have mania.  In another place I go online, I have been talking with some schizoaffective people like me.  They are scared to death that they will kill themselves.  They are terrified of the voices.  They don't want to keep cycling.  
+
+Maybe we don't say enough I am sorry for what my cycling is doing to you, loved one, care giver, burn out.  Maybe we say it too much.  I feel a supreme sense of injustice in terms of how care givers talk about mentally ill people.  
+
+This is how I would like to be spoken about:  Isn't she brave?  Isn't she brazen?  Wow how whe handles this illness.  Wow how she lives and lives and keeps trying no matter what seems to happen to her.  She is the most resilient person I know.  She is the one who is suffering here.  Though I, her caregiver suffer, no good comes from me whining about her where she can see it/ hear it/ breathe in my negativity.  If I say I love her for any reason, I need to focus on her bright side.  I need to focus on her resilience. I need to dig deeper and deeper into the subject of resilience.  For all of the talk I hear about "my daughter hears voices.  my spouse won't take his meds." would you take a minute for every bit of energy you are pushing out that is like that, would you say something good about your loved one, who is a loved one for a reason.
+
+It is like me.  I am an amazing artist, an amazing poet.  
+
+I am amazing.  There are dimensions to me which knock most normal people out of the park.  Sorry normal people.  
+
+I have tried and tried and tried.  I have tried harder and harder and more and more than anyone else out there who I know.  And I bet your "loved" one can say they have tried and tried to.
+
+SO HONOR THE PART OF THEM THAT IS BRILLIANT.  Honor the bit of them that is still brilliant mind.  Somehow.  They might be driving you crazy.  Yes.  But for just one minute, and I want you to make this a practice, say I treasure my loved one's brilliant mind today when you think the hard things, say it out loud or write it in your journal where only truth matters.  Say they are a treasure.  
+
+Water their roots, nourish them with that.  And I am just going to tell you a little secret.  They will grow differently.  They will grow stronger and prouder.  They will be strong and proud then. 
+
+PART 5  
+
+GROWTH
+
+Actually, someone had said it takes years to get this insight.  At the same moment, I also got a different comment in a private chat on 7 cups of tea, which is this place people can go online to listen or be listened to because listening can help.  I have been acting as a listener on there, kind of medicinally, lately especially, because I am growing my listening skills, and my abilities to cultivate empathy, and counsel others with mental illness.  
+
+So, I got this other compliment at the same moment on there, which was this person who has been needing an ear, who asked me how I do it as a listener, while having schizoaffective.  
+
+I wrote this response that I find relevant to this discussion of personal strength, resilience, and insight of schizoaffective folks:
+
+
+ "I am amazed because I didn't think about it but I never used to have great confidence in my listening skills, and I didn't think I was someone who had the capacity to be good at listening to others, because I suffered my own problems. But now I think I have learned to be a good listener in part because I am someone who has survived to suffer my own problems. Thank you for helping me realize that. I have been a listener for about 2 years I think, but didn't do it all the way through, and am now picking up a bit heavier as a listener."
+
+I have been chatting with people who are in the early throws of schizoaffective disorder, and I guess it is worth telling caregivers to, the difference in personal growth between then and now for someone who is high functioning and compliant with medical treatment protocol, like me, is drastic as night and day.
+
+19 years ago, when I was first being diagnosed with this illness, it was really bad.  I say really bad, but it doesn't describe that there were parts of my day when I sat around on the couch in a sort of trance of depression with lactating breasts (sorry graphic detail) from progesterone of early treatment gone awry, not talking to many other people, without a single person I could call a friend, relying on family who was scared to death that they never would find ample treatment for me, that the girl they knew in youth would never return and I was indeed changed overnight into someone they barely recognized.  Then in that same time to have times when I would be so hyped up with mania I went wandering, I donated all of my clothes to charity, I cut my own hair many times, I also was high achieving somehow, so it confused others.  I in that same time, still had this push to try try try at college, so I started and then had to quit school so many times it made me bleary.  (Twelve years in I did graduate to show how things changed and in what timeline.)
+
+Yes it went from real psychosis where I truly was afraid the squirrels were staring at me, where I thought I saw an animated giant caterpillar like in Alice in Wonderland, where I would wander around various times even at night while my loved ones cared after me, wriging their dear hands, and wondering if I would be killed or hurt.  Then after about 4 years of repeat hospitalization, and bizarre behavior, having at one time to be arrested, but thank goodness for caregivers and nice legal counsel and good doctors and staff, after 4 years the hospitalization ended.  Then I still was in the throw of moods so bad, so then with the high functioning, it was easy to misdiagnose me bipolar.  
+
+There was a lot of time of trying to understand self.  I went from wanting to hide my mental ill identity to today thinking I don't want to even be friends with people who can't dig the mental illness and understand the condition.  The next decade involved seeking after the degree to the point it exhausted my family some, and amazed them that I actually got the degree, and in other parts of life, I went from having graduated high school popular and full of relationships to falling off a metaphorical cliff of diagnosis.  Ok, so that was 17-21 in the hospitals, 21-31 and ongoing to 37 starting to have relationships of sort, I mean just friendships, but finally being able to trust others really helped my longterm psychosis and eventual lack of psychotic thinking.  What I mean is the psychosis, the thinking others talked bad about me, the worry of human relation, went from not trusting others to have a friend, to having this one friend about 23 or 24 who was so good that she offered her ear to me every night on the phone, just in kind listening, that I built the ability to trust others again, rebuilt I guess it was.  Then age 29 I think it was, I graduated college and that takes a ton of trust and relationship!  
+
+Not only that, but my listening skills, and so many other skills were building tremendously.  
+
+And reading this you might be like, but I thought you didn't recognize the help of caregivers.  No, I do recognize their help.  I wouldn't be who I am without caregivers.  That first real friend at age 23 was in a way a caregiver.  My family has always been there for me in some form or other, whether with reservation or often just amazingly supportively.  I can't ever say enough about the necessity of care givers.  In fact if I was to list the reason for my successes, it would be this list in pretty much this order:
+
+Keeps her head above water, doesn't do drugs or alchohol, gets enough sleep, has basic needs taken care of, takes her medication as prescribed, has adequate economic and legal needs met, believes the story of treatment in her own version and believes in the need for medication, Has Long Sustained Compassionate Loving Care Givers, and then I would keep listing on and on.
+
+So pretty high in my basic needs is love.  Hmm..  Maybe it should be higher?
+
+Anyway, who is reading and reacting to this?  
+
+Is it helping you at all to hear my story?
+
+What sorts of questions do you have for an articluate genius who also has a disabling mental illness?
+
+Am I saying things that rub you the wrong way?  (sorry I am trying to be outspoken and brazen which is my true nature, and I really don't want to be hurtful)
+
+I would love to share my true name here, since I have books on Amazon you can look into.  Not sure that is allowed?  Some other time I will research into the guidelines.  or maybe someone can say?
+
+Thank you for listening!  
+
+Thank you for believing in your loved ones.  
+
+May we all find gratitude and reasons for gratitude as a great gift to each moment.   
+
+
+PART 6
+
+and more upcoming soon!
+
+PS  Want more art?
+
+
+[[!img modified.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img sunny_landscape.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img abstract.JPG align="right" size="" alt="400x"]]
+[[!img sprinke_heart.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img rainy_puddle.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img dog_cat_butterfly.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+[[!img stainedglass.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
+
 November 21, 2019
 
 Vocation of Poet/Artist
@@ -303,3 +439,6 @@ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE
 [[!img picsart_09-06-05-28-31.jpg align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]
 
 
+
+
+

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diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 0f1e11c..0d42afc 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,3 +1,9 @@
+November 21, 2019
+
+Vocation of Poet/Artist
+
+I quit trying to start new jobs because I had quit 60 jobs, it seemed my success was unlikely, and all of trying had taken a heavy toll.  There still is the temptation to try to better my life with a job.  Socially it can feel fulfilling to work, and it seems I need more saved for my long term economic outlook.  But because I quit 60 jobs, and because I draw social security disability insurance, my life is going in a direction where work is neither necessary nor worth the attempt.  Fortunately I can sustain my existence on the limited income that social security supplies.  These truths make it possible for me to have much more free time, since I am not having to work.  My main new goal is to spend more time doing things that in the long run make me feel good about myself.  These activities include chores, dog walking, swimming, meditation, and various types of creative arts such as writing and visual art making.   Seeking after the art and not the cash reward is a gift and having the ability to be creative uplifts my soul and decreases the angst of not being able to work.  
+
 <P>November 12, 2019</P>
 
 Tankas and Mutants.  

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 9d1ee1f..0f1e11c 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
-<P>November 12, 2019
+<P>November 12, 2019</P>
 
 Tankas and Mutants.  
 
@@ -49,14 +49,14 @@ While silver maples
 
 glide slowly to ground, long gusts.
 
-Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
+<P>Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
 
 
 
 
  </P>
 
-<P>November 11, 2019
+<P>November 11, 2019</P>
 
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
@@ -67,7 +67,7 @@ I send the image to a birder friend.
 
 Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but different degrees of how close the bird is to the next bird.  Space can lift the wings."  
 
-She finds that interesting.  
+<P>She finds that interesting.  
 
  </P>
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 012200a..9d1ee1f 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
-November 12, 2019
+<P>November 12, 2019
 
 Tankas and Mutants.  
 
@@ -54,9 +54,9 @@ Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
 
 
 
-<P> </P>
+ </P>
 
-November 11, 2019
+<P>November 11, 2019
 
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
@@ -69,7 +69,7 @@ Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but di
 
 She finds that interesting.  
 
-<P> </P>
+ </P>
 
 
 November 1, 2019

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index fea33bb..012200a 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -54,6 +54,7 @@ Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
 
 
 
+<P> </P>
 
 November 11, 2019
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index a96b711..fea33bb 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -68,7 +68,7 @@ Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but di
 
 She finds that interesting.  
 
-<p> </p>
+<P> </P>
 
 
 November 1, 2019

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 52b63f8..a96b711 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -68,7 +68,7 @@ Me:  "Glad you like it.  Also, I am not sure if Anonymous spelled it out, but di
 
 She finds that interesting.  
 
-
+<p> </p>
 
 
 November 1, 2019

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 43c4337..52b63f8 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,6 +3,7 @@ November 12, 2019
 Tankas and Mutants.  
 
 The first one here is a mutant tanka that I accidentally wrote in 57555.
+
 --
 
  Leaves from one tree fell

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index 89b06f6..43c4337 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -3,6 +3,7 @@ November 12, 2019
 Tankas and Mutants.  
 
 The first one here is a mutant tanka that I accidentally wrote in 57555.
+--
 
  Leaves from one tree fell
 
@@ -14,11 +15,11 @@ What tells them it’s time?
 
 Eaten by their roots.
 
-
+--
 
 Then I figured out the correct count.
 
-
+--
 
 Nature elements -
 
@@ -31,13 +32,13 @@ Each one takes my breath away.
 Each opens me, calls my name.
 
 
-
+--
 
 
 
 And this one
 
-
+--
 
 Walking through a pile
 

diff --git a/index.mdwn b/index.mdwn
index e559e8b..89b06f6 100644
--- a/index.mdwn
+++ b/index.mdwn
@@ -1,5 +1,60 @@
 November 12, 2019
 
+Tankas and Mutants.  
+
+The first one here is a mutant tanka that I accidentally wrote in 57555.
+
+ Leaves from one tree fell
+
+to cover alley gravel
+
+while greens and browns stayed.
+
+What tells them it’s time?
+
+Eaten by their roots.
+
+
+
+Then I figured out the correct count.
+
+
+
+Nature elements -
+
+dove, leaf litter, clothes pin, hill.
+
+Decay, falling, steep.
+
+Each one takes my breath away.
+
+Each opens me, calls my name.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+And this one
+
+
+
+Walking through a pile
+
+burnt sienna, oaks cling tight.
+
+While silver maples
+
+glide slowly to ground, long gusts.
+
+Red maple grips leaves, patchy.
+
+
+
+
+
+November 11, 2019
+
 I send the image to a birder friend.  
 
 [[!img daringwingsstretchwider.JPG align="right" size="400x" alt=""]]