September 22, 2019

Last day of summer.

I have started vlogging about the purpose of life and how it is different for someone with a chronic life threatening illness from someone who knows they will live. In case you didn't know (Mom) a vlog is a video blog I think at least.

Find mine at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTYVsHmFhdqJQFHXk0VneHw or just type Maggie Hess in youtube.

September 18, 2019

Just watched Claire, the Youtube Original Documentary, about Claire Wineland, a young woman who had a youtube channel, and cystic fibrosis, an activist up until her death at 21, someone who believed sick people do not need to be pittied, and that being sick does not decrease a person's quality of life because that quality is decided by what makes out your experience as a human being. Seeing the real struggles Claire went through, with 35 surgeries and a large portion of her life either doing basic things to stay alive or in the hospital, yet her incredible attitude and humor was what inspires me. Her perspective and way of talking really had the angle of wisdom beyond the years any of us usually achieve. There was something so remarkable about her.

I watched the documentary thinking, what can I do, as someone who also struggles with an illness, and a mental illness should be no harder to be pleasant through or to have a reason and purpose in life. I watched this little tiny child cracking jokes while breathing with a respirator and taking oxygen the whole documentary, and all the times she had to cough, and each time, she'd crack a joke, which surely took energy and surely was not easy, since she was coughing and it can be hard to talk. Seeing Claire live these moments embracing life, empowering millions, but more importantly having the intellect to understand herself and know how to see the good through a tough circumstance.

There also was this thing about Claire, that she said that it was having had the illness that caused her to have such a good life. I feel that is true about me with my mental illness too. It is a hard idea maybe to wrap a person's head around fully. In fact, much of my life narrative has been an attempt of finding good in bad, maybe, but when I go and try to explain the bad I get lost in details. So I am setting a new goal. I am striving to see the positive. And if I have to keep my goal simple that is what it is. I want to find a way to laugh through my illness whether I am laughing in spite of it or because of it.

But the secondary more complicated thing about my new goal is I want to dive as deep I can into embracing living, finding enjoyment where I am, and to really learn a different way of walking, maybe that involves occasional happy dancing, singing, or play.

This past month since being hospitalized for mental illness again after such success I fell inside a shell of fear of mania. I told myself my depressed period was better than what had hospitalized me, mania. But the truth is people don't get to chose mania, and I can crawl out of my bed when I am depressed and do more outside and be happier. Maybe not everyone can combat depression with action, but it is not the main part of my illness I am worried about.

So in the name of Claire Wineland, I am declaring this moment a life changing period. I am embracing life and making something good of what all I have.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfqtOTwUcKE