Deep in the summer, even yesterday's cricket seems to have left the scene. This would be a good time to think about what made me. Not my mother, not my father, but loneliness extended over long stretches of time.

Am I alone in wondering if the world would come differently if I was paired in the world? Alone? When a person dies surrounded by love and family is it possible they don't still die alone? How is it humanly possibly to be anything but single in the world?

These are some questions I have experienced deep in my summer lethargy, in a time when by myself it seems no one looks for me anymore. All my friends are gone. I am 34 and the world is moving on. I have apparently moved past hope for dying in a crowded room. I spend every day by myself so why would any stranger seek me for friendship again?

How could I possibly build from this strange loss to a good place again?

Life is avoidance. Interactions never come with a serious extension of connection.

It's been a long time since I felt.

I live with my mother and she does her best to love me despite me. I don't regret anyone or anything. But it feels I am trudging nowhere, deeper and deeper into lonesomeness.

I was a cast out for many years of my life. I found friends who meant something a time or two. And they dissipated both times.

Moving is not my answer. There is no special place for me in the whole world where I am better with people. I love and I lose. I loved and I lost. I feel there were so many missed opportunities. I almost would have had friends. I almost would have had my best favorite person love me deeply.

I wish there was a job where I could have a society again. I wish there was a church like me here.

It is the end of the month and I have about a dollar for each day this month. There are very few answers.

I know I need to go swimming and I will. These thoughts will dissolve into the world happening around me. The blessings counting.

Life marches on whether we are stuck or fluidly enjoying the motion.

I guess the answer really is that I need to change the question. I am solitary, so I shall entertain myself with what I have. In these stuck times, I will pour into my poems. I will dance like Billy Elliot until there is nothing else but joy.

It is possible to be alone and not lonesome.

My standards don't have to blend.