Have you ever lost a friend?

One of the most intimate truths a friend ever told me, was Wren long ago. Long before her name was Wren, Huck spoke of losing friends.

Said some people lose friends more than others.

Some people go through anguishing feeling divorces with people they wanted more than anything to trust and love.

That so many of her most beloved friends slipped through her fingers.

She could not take them where she was going.

I've long approached friendships, by default, by accident, like seeking a best friend and grasping for air.

She said until that point, actually when she was telling me that story, a decade ago, Wren said that telling me was a turning moment for her. She said it on the spot. She defined the moment as she lived it.

My friends see me standing there grasping for "the one." Some think it's romantic. And sometimes it wants to be. They listen to me. They hear me say I've been hurt badly by my own mental illness, I've been hospitalized 5 times. They hear me pleading with them, saying I never in my life tried suicide or drugs or even hardly alcohol more than a few samples.

I'm surprised every time, but my true real rock solid best friends say to me, they want me to have vices. They'd understand how to help me if I followed a "normal" structure of self hatred. They don't understand what I am doing, whatever it is that I am doing. Nobody is hospitalized 5 times just for being mentally ill. Then I explain, I was. And all I need is a friend, a shoulder to cry on now and then.

And they say, oh, Maggie, I'll be your shoulder... now and then.

Then, well, my pattern used to be I would keep coming to the same friend and wear them out. And family too. And like after a million times, and a weirdo scenario, they just couldn't take it any more, being my person.

So I realized, I don't have a person. I have a best dog. And I have a bunch of people I can call on now and then. And sometimes no one can talk, and then I write.

And Wren and I are still friends. She's made a solid foundation of a life for herself, and I am proud of her. She is a famous homesteader and a free spirited wife and blogger and poet.

I think of all the friend fish I have let slip through my net, and I just am so grateful for fish and water and life in general.

I got lost once. When I was a little girl, I don't remember how it happened, but I was at Bayes Mountain with my family, and I lost my family for about an hour. It is a blur of a memory in my mind, mostly composed of the retellings of stories my family told.

It's good they found me.