I haven't shared this with you, I don't think. But I have been feeling very deep spite towards so many of the people in my life for such a long time, I have trouble finding the origin. I have had some periods of not hating everybody important to me (and everyone else) but the fact is, those periods fell off. So where I find myself now is... today.

Today I started the ketogenic diet and am reading Choose to Change by Kelly McGonigal PhD. Today I pinned the nose on that spite with another word that seems to define the feeling most intricately - jealousy. See, my feelings about other people have been a mix - an ambivalent fire of extremes, love and hate. The jealousy has been so strong, I have been skipping social occasions. I skipped a birthday of a family friend largely because many of the people I know who would have been there bring up this feeling of jealousy in me. The jealousy made me not want to go to my family beach trip or hold a job or interact with animals that also talk more than a passing neighborly "hello".

Jealousy is a terribly hard emotion for me because I have a different life path than every other person I know. I am not a career person or a homesteader, I don't have kids, I have little to show for myself if it comes to measuring up and adding up and holding myself against the other people in the line up.

So I am trying to figure out how to love my jealousy now that I have named it. I think it would be good to talk about it with the people, really everyone I encounter, because it is part of all my relationships. But I am not sure how that would go over. My jealousy is around because it wants me to feel like I am seen and heard. It wants me to feel important and respected. Somehow, it is here for the greater good. I can't go around hating everybody, especially not the people closest to me. Maybe the ketogenic diet will help. It is supposed to kill cancer and diabetes. Maybe it will also, with love, kill my jealousy.