I read a lot of self help books, and they are a jumble in my minds sometimes. So I can't tell you with certainty which one it was that said to me that resistance is the main source of back pain. Resistance, huh? I heard it, and I immediately recognized a truth in the blaming resistance, but it seemed like somebody who just has it easy telling me I would be pain free if I just had it easy. How am I supposed to alleviate the resistance? I wondered. And largely, I went ahead with my life, not changing the resistance directly or knowingly because I didn't know or understand what it was, where it was located, or how I could change it.

Needless to say, back then, my back pain was pretty awful. It was dull and I could still do things, but it just hurt so bad to climb a hill or go on a hike. I felt miserable thinking that if I felt this bad at 33 I had only negative times ahead. But there were a lot of positive things I was involving myself with over these couple years of healing. And though correlation is hard to prove causation, and I was regularly swimming and walking dogs, I am certain the reason my back pain disappeared almost instantly, was due to the self help books I was reading. (Kelly McGonigal, Brene Brown, Tara Brach, so on)

When I look at the disappearance of my back pain, I realize what really was going on was quite psychological, though not entirely. The pain was real. But why did I have pain? I really think I had pain largely due to the fact I felt a lack of self worth and guilt around my declining mobility of my early adulthood, as opposed to my late adolescence. So I found that I was not able to do much like I used to do, my capabilities had so dropped and I felt guilt because I was no longer doing as many useful things, like serious exercise for example. But with the self help books, somehow, I realized the way out of guilt is miraculously to let in to the very thing that makes you guilty. Hear that again. If overeating is your thing that troubles you, over eat a little more, but drop the self hate around the eating. If porn is your passion. Surf that porn thing, but do it without shame. So I started passionately being lazy. My new "thing" became relaxing on the front porch and watching the world change.

And then the worry that I was insufficient, and the fear that I might be lazy, and the guilt that nothing I did was constructive faded in a flash. Like a dramatic shift between night and day, my back stopped hurting. And then, ironically, yes indeed, I stopped sitting so often. And I got up a little more. And I became a little more active. And all the while, my back still felt so good.