I had a dream more vivid than most of my waking hours. One of my most real, practical, and long lived friends betrayed my trust in the worst possible way. She lied to me as a regular course of action thinking she was protecting me. When I found it out, I started screaming at her. (None of this ever would happen.) (Right?)

I put my hand on the door to slam it, but her hand caught it as the door began to hit the frame.

In that moment, I see her gesture, and again she is trying to protect. It is her job. It is her. She is a mother, a nurturer, a friend.

As a mentally ill person with a disability for my mental illness, I have had a great struggle trying to cope with "patronizing people."

It is a lack of trust in my character. Not something simple like lacking my intellectual abilities. More entangled.

But in the dream, my friend clearly wanted to protect me. Maybe it was not a nightmare, but a vivid dream only.

There were times in my past when I needed help coping way more than just a phone call or health care. Some of my friends remember vulnerable fragile Maggie better than they know me now. And I have no way of promising I will be this way another day, or even a year.

I don't know. I have hope. I think I am super strong and amazing.

I barely can just take care of myself lately. And there aren't many friends hanging out here with all that people do.

It is complicated. But I do take care of myself, albeit barely. I make it through.

It is a strange balance, on my end trying to cope, and trying to live up to my potential, and having relationships with people who don't know what to expect from me. On the end of the loved one or friend or new acquaintance, I say I hate being patronized, but do I like occasional compliments? And how do you do that? How do you actively not patronize people?

I seem to generally seek people who are really good at not patronizing me.

And dreams are just all in our heads too.

Except I guess they also are channels of reality that can be turned on and switched from time to time.

Comments are rare, but I would love to hear what you think!